(no subject)
ok guys! after a brief month-long period of adjustment to something i had for four years, i'm cool again. i apologize for any weirdness. actually, i apologize only to carolyn, because fuck what you all think, you don't know.
carolyn, i know you were never mad at me or anything, but that doesn't mean i shouldn't be sorry. i'm not using any lofty language or anything, because while that may be my style, i don't want to mix any signals. i still love you and i always will, but i'm not going to pretend you didn't hurt me. however, i also know it wasn't on purpose, because you love me too and would never do such a thing. so. yes, we have both been caused pain. i'm over it, and you should be too. all i ever wanted you to know, through all those shitty things i said, was that you are indeed a different person, but it looks like we both are. i'm not asking for your forgiveness, nor am i begging for pity. i wouldn't accept either. just please, for my sake, tell your asshole friends to not be so judgmental. if they had any idea of what's actually happening, they wouldn't be so quick to say the things they do. the truth is, these people never have, and likely never will have, a relationship like ours or even a relationship as long as ours. there is no possible way for them to know how it feels to either of us. enjoy your pursuit of happiness, whether it be with a girl with no concept of love, or a boy who treats you like an asshole, or even alone. just make sure you're making yourself happy. i know right now you're not happy, but that may be my fault. i'm backing down and trusting you to know yourself, but please just make sure you don't ask a question you don't want answered, because i'm not sugarcoating anything for you. and also, i apologize in advance and in retrospect because i've been horrible the past couple weeks, and it may continue for a couple more. it's not just you, remember that. my whole life is up in the air right now and i'm just a little stressed out. i'm straightening it all out and i think you'll be pleasantly surprised with who i am once i fix everything else. :) i'll be your charming cutie in about a month, i think. today i came upon the realization that i've been living too much in the future and not for the present. with a new perspective (or at least the revitalization of an old one), i'm hoping to correct the damage that has been done and maybe even make some progress. i don't regret going on this break with you, because i think it made me finally realize that i was stuck in a rut that i really needed to get out of. not with you, of course, because we are forever growing, but in other aspects of my life. i think once i'm in a better place, we can possibly come back together and keep growing in a better environment. one where i'm not always pissed off about everything in my life but you. but...hey you could decide we're not meant to be. even if that's the case, i will be happy and i won't be relying on you to make me happy. we were slipping into complacency, so it's awesome that we decided to break. i was upset for a while because i missed being complacent. it's so much better than what i've got outside of us. now i know that instead of hiding from my shit in your arms, i just have to go out and fix it. so, in short, i would like to thank you, carolyn, for helping me come to this realization. once again, i apologize for being so hurtful to you and insulting other people you're close with. it was just a defense mechanism, and i see that now. i've picked myself up and am now beginning to dust myself off. just don't forget that i could never dust you off. even if i pretend to. i love you very much and i'm always here for you. don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
carolyn, i know you were never mad at me or anything, but that doesn't mean i shouldn't be sorry. i'm not using any lofty language or anything, because while that may be my style, i don't want to mix any signals. i still love you and i always will, but i'm not going to pretend you didn't hurt me. however, i also know it wasn't on purpose, because you love me too and would never do such a thing. so. yes, we have both been caused pain. i'm over it, and you should be too. all i ever wanted you to know, through all those shitty things i said, was that you are indeed a different person, but it looks like we both are. i'm not asking for your forgiveness, nor am i begging for pity. i wouldn't accept either. just please, for my sake, tell your asshole friends to not be so judgmental. if they had any idea of what's actually happening, they wouldn't be so quick to say the things they do. the truth is, these people never have, and likely never will have, a relationship like ours or even a relationship as long as ours. there is no possible way for them to know how it feels to either of us. enjoy your pursuit of happiness, whether it be with a girl with no concept of love, or a boy who treats you like an asshole, or even alone. just make sure you're making yourself happy. i know right now you're not happy, but that may be my fault. i'm backing down and trusting you to know yourself, but please just make sure you don't ask a question you don't want answered, because i'm not sugarcoating anything for you. and also, i apologize in advance and in retrospect because i've been horrible the past couple weeks, and it may continue for a couple more. it's not just you, remember that. my whole life is up in the air right now and i'm just a little stressed out. i'm straightening it all out and i think you'll be pleasantly surprised with who i am once i fix everything else. :) i'll be your charming cutie in about a month, i think. today i came upon the realization that i've been living too much in the future and not for the present. with a new perspective (or at least the revitalization of an old one), i'm hoping to correct the damage that has been done and maybe even make some progress. i don't regret going on this break with you, because i think it made me finally realize that i was stuck in a rut that i really needed to get out of. not with you, of course, because we are forever growing, but in other aspects of my life. i think once i'm in a better place, we can possibly come back together and keep growing in a better environment. one where i'm not always pissed off about everything in my life but you. but...hey you could decide we're not meant to be. even if that's the case, i will be happy and i won't be relying on you to make me happy. we were slipping into complacency, so it's awesome that we decided to break. i was upset for a while because i missed being complacent. it's so much better than what i've got outside of us. now i know that instead of hiding from my shit in your arms, i just have to go out and fix it. so, in short, i would like to thank you, carolyn, for helping me come to this realization. once again, i apologize for being so hurtful to you and insulting other people you're close with. it was just a defense mechanism, and i see that now. i've picked myself up and am now beginning to dust myself off. just don't forget that i could never dust you off. even if i pretend to. i love you very much and i'm always here for you. don't let anyone tell you otherwise.