(no subject)
i think too much. too often. one of the two. enough that my thoughts kind of interfere with anything i do. it pisses me off. on that note, i hate it when people tell you something's wrong with you when there's no real way to fix it. not like it's happened recently, but i thought about it. today's thoughts have also included road rash, my dream, softball, my inability to be streetworthy most likely due to my gender, my weight that never fluctuates, a small panic attack which was controlled before it became paralyzing (not that it mattered because i was just laying there anyway), my list of thoughts that's becoming increasingly detailed as i type it out, that sexy vehicross on south street, a shower that i need, the fact that i'm very tired and don't feel like moving, the lack of any social interaction on my part (aside from my carolyn time), how i don't want a penis in me (EVER), how sad the life of a dog seems to me...but how happy it seems to everyone else, my viewpoint on everything which doesn't seem to correlate with anyone else's, how much i am just...scared of something unseen and unknown to anyone (including myself), my dream (AGAIN. it must have some meaning if i can't get it out of my mind...), and there. i've reached my free association point where i have decided that there is one underlying thing. i don't know what it is, but it's holding me down. something restraining me. i'm kind of reluctant to find out what it is, but it's something big and scary. from looking over that, it would appear that i'm bitter about being female, which i guess makes sense because there's something coming up that would definitely make me feel that way. the birth of my second child! haha not funny. in general, i'm just in a bad mood. more of the depressed than the bitchy mood though. i should go out tonight i guess. but with who? nobody wants to hang out with a grumpy nikita. haha who am i kidding? nobody really should want to hang out with any nikita. sometimes i guess i can be kind of funny because my thoughts...the ones that make me whatever (they're working now. whatever? retarded word. retarded? limited vocabulary. hate it!) my thoughts make me a little distant, a little spacey...something. they make me seem like a burnout or something. a ditz? depending on what you know or have known me as, i could seem like anything. most people i talk to these days seem surprised when i tell them i used to smoke at all, so i guess these days i'm coming across like a ditz, or perhaps just an idiot. because ditz seems more like a "blonde cheerleader" type thing rather than a nikita thing. by the way. i've been thinking, and my silly way of speaking in monotone and at a kind of slow pace is pretty much adjusting for the thoughts which would normally cause me to speak quickly and/or stutter. also, if i get too into talking, i choke or gag or something. i'm not sure what it is, but my throat kind of locks up and i sound like a tard. so i'd rather sound like a depressed little fuck (which i guess is a pretty fitting description, since it's stuck around since ninth grade) than some crazy homeless person. either way, i'm pretty insecure about talking to people. so if i'm around, and i don't talk very much, it's because i've been told enough that my train of thought is weird and i pretty much hate competing for attention. i'm content enough being kind of a background thing. and if it's one on one...i'm still not talkative because i'm insaaaane. i think it's a nervous thing. you see (story time kiddies!), growing up, i never really had close friends. possibly because i was a shy little bitch. possibly because i moved every couple years and never stayed in contact with my childhood friends. more than likely, a combination of those, plus the fact that i didn't do girly things, so no girls were my buddies. and boys don't want girls as friends when they're in like elementary school. in middle school, i had a retarded haircut and got made fun of for being a heshe. and a lesbian. turns out that...yeah whatever it was close enough to right. but the point is that i yet again had no friends. i had my family, but by then i was becoming the cool antisocial nikita we all know and love. my insecurities grew and i pretty much distrusted everyone. i became friends with amy and catherine in eighth grade and then i at least had some people who didn't make fun of me. haha then we went, together (except for amy...she was always ahead of us) into the silly little cutting thing. by the time i had gotten over that, which was in probably tenth grade, i found myself thrown into the world, a semi-adult, with pretty much no valuable social skills. pretty much, i can put on my sweet face, i can cry, i can make fun, and i can argue. about the social skills of a ten year old. great. not exactly presentable, am i? but i can put up my little walls and my little mask and get by. too scared to actually like jump out there and trust my instincts. but i notice. i see the social interactions that everyone has that i can't even dream of. when i'm really comfortable, i can pull off a charming or even intelligent conversation, but of course i'm not comfortable unless i'm with like...carolyn or someone related to me. so, if you're not any of those people, and you've gotten this far, i commend you for 1) being a good enough friend to suffer my whining or whatever this is, 2) dealing my awkward speech patterns, and finally, 3) not expecting any better of me. even though that would be nice. whenever someone deals out some sort of challenge (like marc saying i could never get a car dealer to haggle with me and get the car down to what i know it's actually worth), i work until i get as close as i can to actually doing it. like that vehicross. i can go up there and talk to that guy. i can work it. will he change his mind? not necessarily. will it be my fault? no. i'll be happy i tried and i'll have more experience so that next time i will be better. i have this strange balance of optimism and pessimism when it comes to myself. my confidence in myself is very very high if i know i can handle a given task. but when i don't know it (regardless of my actual ability in that area), i will think it's horrible. it could be amazing, and people can compliment me until they turn blue, but that virgo perfectionist won't back off. how i distinguish between what i think i'm good at and what i think i suck at, i don't know. i don't think i'm good at very many things. i know i can write when i want to. not so much poetry or songs or that shit. just. i can use words if i get into one of my moods. i only think it's good when i'm still in that mood though. once i'm out of it, it's just average and nothing special. a little disjointed, actually. i know i can clean! not sure if that's something to brag about, because cleaning is pretty simple. i can love. i can spend money like a motherfucker. i can listen. not necessarily retain for any period longer than 15 minutes...but i can listen. i can arrange/decorate...anything. flowers, sugary deliciousness, furniture. i just have an eye for it or something. or maybe i'm ocd and insane. either way...i can do it. i can work myself up into a panicky frenzy on command. just give me ten minutes and i'll think i'm dying. i can do minor work on cars...more if i end up having to practice on my own car some more. i pride myself on being able to empathize with anyone, even if i've never been in that situation. i can make anyone look stupid. that's about it. hahaha i can recite cartel lyrics without hearing the song. everything else is on my doubts list. that's why i beg for your constant approval. i want to know i'm good. i want to be as confident as i can act online when there are no consequences to my actions. i love the idea of confidence, but it's just an idea to me. and i hate it because i sound like some emo little douche. instead of confidence, i exude the aura of a bully, because it's the closest i can get. i'm not really as mean-spirited as i act sometimes, but i guess i am as angry as those displays would suggest. not at anyone in particular. myself! emo! however, this is because i think too much. too often. and it pisses me off. AND IT ALSO PISSES ME OFF THAT MY TRAIN OF THOUGHT BROUGHT ME TO A COMPLETE CIRCLE OVER THE COURSE OF ONE HOUR! i still feel the same and this is how my brain works. thank you for your time and just ignore my writing because it apparently hasn't done anything for me, so it should be about the same for you. sorry! got you all excited for nothing.