A long post about who i am..
This is who I am:
I'm a complicated mess, and I think I kind of like it. Even if you knew me, you wouldn't quite be able to figure me out. I've always been told that I have a mystery about me, and that I keep people on their toes. My mind is constantly changing and everything amazes me; from the sun set to a smile. Its not hard to keep me happy, unless you just don't try at all.I laugh when I cry and I cry when I laugh. I like animals more than humans.. they seem genuinely interested in people, and they seem to listen more... I love to laugh and I love my laugh, but I hate my smile.. So in pictures you'll see me making off faces or that kind of half smile/smirk type of thing.. I don't care about fashion, I care about comfort.. I don't care what kind of music you listen to, if you're a good person I'll like you; I'll just crack jokes about your music tastes =P... I get offended pretty easily, but really only if I don't know you. It takes me a bit of time to get the feel of a person, to know how they joke, and when they're serious. Once I know that, I'm more manageable. I can be serious when I need to be, but when I'm hurting I'll killer sarcastic, and I tend to crack jokes about everything. When you need a laugh, I'm the person to call; of course Its better if I'm in person because Its basically me making a fool of myself. I'm funny but only when I want to be.. Sometimes I'm funny when I don't mean to be... I tend to be a bit out of my mind.. but not in the way you're thinking.. I'll jump around like a nut to earn a laugh, but I wont like.. stab myself in the eye with a fork to show you I'm bad ass; this is not to take away from the fact that I am indeed bad ass =P... I use to have a really bad temper problem (thanks dad) Even the smallest things got me mad, I even have holes in the walls of my room from it, now I'm a lot calmer.. probably too calm; but if you push my buttons the right way; well.. it wouldnt be fun..for either of us. I don't like hurting people..I'm pretty much like a little kid in that sense.. I like nicknames because they make me feel special...I like hugs more than kisses because they feel more real.-shrug- I am a dork, random thoughts and statements amuse me.. I'll burst into random Spanish if I feel like things are getting boring. Basically I've got a lot to learn. I've never had a boyfriend, never been kissed because I push people away .. think i said that before.. I know that sucks even more please don't tell me.. I know.. I do not want to get my heart broken, or even bruised, unless I do it myself; which I've done plenty of times. I don't allow myself to get emotionally attached.. or at least to the point where I start to get scared. I'm so afraid that I'll end up with someone like my father, I've lived with that once.. and I have no intentions of living with it again. It took my mother so long to leave him, she couldn't in high school, and she couldn't once they were married.. she's one of the strongest people I know, and she couldn't so how the hell could I? No I wouldn't want to take that chance, it isn't worth it.. so I don't. As soon as a relationship gets close to that, I brake, and run. really, its mind reeling, or I've been told that its much like running freely until suddenly you find yourself slamming into a brick wall.... I go through the whole, getting to know you phrase, the small, "lets hang out" phrase.. and then as soon as they're hanging on me, holding my hand, leaning on me, trying to kiss me.. about to ask me out.. I stop and go into emotional shut down.. Its like this person in my brain goes around and flicks off all these little switches, and suddenly its as if the only thing I know about this person who is holding my hand, is their name. And I leave.. no legit leave, I slowly pull myself from the scene.. recoiling into my shell, and leaving them..That doesn't mean i'll never find love.. I've found people that i can get close to like that, i know i can because despite the scared feeling i get, my mind screams for it to shut up, and it does. and I allow myself to get close, and comfortable, but then the rug gets pulled from my feet and my heart gets broken. thats why my heart has a zipper, and myabe i'll learn to lock it in a box; but i doubt it.