(no subject)
I took most of this week off to get my schedule fixed, put my head on straight, and maybe be inspired to be here again.
Instead, now I find myself lonely and questioning whether this was the best choice for me or not. I live in a practice room, have very few friends here, and I spend a lot of time calling people because I just need some contact with mankind. And then there's this little question of am I getting better or not? How do you tell?
I guess I'm changing my mode of thinking at least a little bit. I've started to set up real goals and reasons for those goals. Next year I'm going to start doing some competitions, I'm not counting on them... but I want to at least try. I know that I enjoy playing in orchestras, operas, and chamber ensembles. I hate playing in Wind Ensembles (go figure... either it's too easy and boring, or it's too hard and frustrating. And the hard stuff is never worth it as much as the hard stuff in Orchestra) so I'm going to reaudition my position here. I'm going to audition for Bel Canto instrumental even if I can't afford it. I'm going to force myself onto a Bassonist and a horn player to create a quintet... and then we're going to play like crazy to become a real chamber ensemble. Not just a school one... but a useful performing ensemble. And I'm going to start making my dream of putting together an ensemble like the Xanthos ensemble together. I want that, and I'm likeable and good natured.... my only issue is that somewhere along the way I've lost the severe drive that I had throughout the rest of my life. I need a median between being too hard on myself so that the drive I have drives me nutty, and being so relaxed that I almost stop having an opinion. Neither one is productive and leads to a stalemate.
I'm going to say what I want from now on instead of just sitting on my hands thinking it- I'd rather make progress and feel hectic than feel alone with nothing to do. I need the drive to go back at 10 oclock if it's not at the level I want, the perseverence to take the hard route, and the knowledge to know when the easy route is going to be better.
Instead, now I find myself lonely and questioning whether this was the best choice for me or not. I live in a practice room, have very few friends here, and I spend a lot of time calling people because I just need some contact with mankind. And then there's this little question of am I getting better or not? How do you tell?
I guess I'm changing my mode of thinking at least a little bit. I've started to set up real goals and reasons for those goals. Next year I'm going to start doing some competitions, I'm not counting on them... but I want to at least try. I know that I enjoy playing in orchestras, operas, and chamber ensembles. I hate playing in Wind Ensembles (go figure... either it's too easy and boring, or it's too hard and frustrating. And the hard stuff is never worth it as much as the hard stuff in Orchestra) so I'm going to reaudition my position here. I'm going to audition for Bel Canto instrumental even if I can't afford it. I'm going to force myself onto a Bassonist and a horn player to create a quintet... and then we're going to play like crazy to become a real chamber ensemble. Not just a school one... but a useful performing ensemble. And I'm going to start making my dream of putting together an ensemble like the Xanthos ensemble together. I want that, and I'm likeable and good natured.... my only issue is that somewhere along the way I've lost the severe drive that I had throughout the rest of my life. I need a median between being too hard on myself so that the drive I have drives me nutty, and being so relaxed that I almost stop having an opinion. Neither one is productive and leads to a stalemate.
I'm going to say what I want from now on instead of just sitting on my hands thinking it- I'd rather make progress and feel hectic than feel alone with nothing to do. I need the drive to go back at 10 oclock if it's not at the level I want, the perseverence to take the hard route, and the knowledge to know when the easy route is going to be better.