Peachy Speechy
I stayed up till 4 am Saturday, Sunday and Monday, so last night I went to sleep at about 6pm and woke up about 5:30 am (today), And my roomate was in the shower?!?!?! Anyway this is the final speech that kept me up Monday night, which I delivered the following morning.
This is a really controversial topic, but I feel I have important information that may sway you to my side in the matter. I have researched and discussed the possibilities, looked at each plausible course of action, because with Disney’s release of the Princess Collection, it has become an inevitable event and the people need to be prepared and informed. I am going to let you know how a Disney Princess Battle Royale would result, and who you should be rooting for.
This Battle Royale is a fight to the death between these Disney princesses: Jasmine, Ariel, Snow White, Cinderella, Belle, Aurora (Sleeping Beauty), and Pocahontas. Mulan is on this picture, but she is not a princess, therefore immediately disqualified.
First, we will evaluate the strengths and weaknesses of each contender, then establish who the logical champion must be.
1. Jasmine:
+Likes to swing it in the streets
+Has a tiger
+Immune to psychic attacks, as evidenced by Jafar’s inability to affect her.
+Pants
+Genie band in her hair (can control people like it controls her hair)
-Intolerant to cold
Weapon: Whip
2. Ariel:
+Monopoly on sea creatures
+Doe eyes
+Siren Song
-Insatiable wanderlust
-Helpless on land
Weapon: Fork
3. Snow White
+7 Dwarves
+Fairest of them all
-Naïve, will not make the first attack
-Often left Unguarded
Weapon: Pickaxe
4. Cinderella
+Cleaning powers
+Mice army, armed with needles and thread
+Fairy Godmother
?Pumpkin
-Midnight Curfew
Weapon: Glass Slipper Shards/mop
5. Belle
+Magic Mirror
+Animate Objects
+Crazy booksmart
-Cannot communicate with people
-Overconfident (French)
Weapon: Loaf of French bread
6. Aurora
+Play dead
+Thorny Briars
+Psychic powers due to excessive sleep (meditation)
-Atrophied muscles
-Spinning wheels, needles, blood
Weapon: Pillow
7. Pocahontas
+Nature always sides with her
+Physically fit
-Inferior immune system
Weapon: Spear
Tournament style this is how it would break down, in the first round
*Aurora is asleep.
*Pocahontas v. Snow white, Pocahontas convinces all those woodland creatures that watch Snow White do laundry that she is destroying their home. They mob and take pieces home as souvenirs of the fairest of them all.
Result: Snow White scattered.
Ariel v. *Jasmine, Jasmine goes fishing for Raja (the tiger) and catches Flounder. Ariel is furious, tries to use her glorious voice to lure Jasmine in, but Jasmine is immune to psychological attacks (Jafar could never control her), so, angry at the attempt, Jasmine uses her whip to fish Ariel out of her sea home, and sells her at the market.
Result: Mermaid special in Agrahbah.
Belle v. *Cinderella, Belle animates the pumpkin, turning it into a crawling, consuming monster, so Cinderella sends the mouse army to nibble it to death while she mops Belle’s face with some bleach. Belle takes this fairly well, after all, somebody has to be the beast, and counters with a loaf of French bread, however the mop makes it soggy, so it is ineffective, which gives Cinderella time to whip out a glass slipper, break it barfight style, and stab.
Result: Belle bleeds to death.
Round 2
*Aurora v. Pocahontas, So with the obvious abuse of nature, Pocahontas goes to set things right, when she gets near and Aurora tries to send the briars after her, nature bows to the Native Princess, preferring that to the curse. The Briars shield Pocahontas from harm and begin to tear down their castle. That’s when the three good faries that protect Aurora began to panic. They find Pocahontas in a fortress of brambles, and they not too warmly welcomed. They Parachute in smallpox blankets and flee.
Result: Pocahontas dies of European illness.
*Jasmine v. Cinderella, Cinderella’s Mice are sent forth in full fury, only to be eaten or scared off by Raja (tiger). Cinderella underestimates Jasmine, and does not realize what a dual nature she has. Just as when Jasmine was forced to deceive Jafar, she deceives Cinderella. Jasmine makes a seemingly reasonable request to have a final meal together. Each one is distrustful, so they order pizza, and watch each other like hawks so no poisoning occurs, then when they’ve had their fill and digested they resume the battle. Mop against whip they fight, almost evenly matched, back and forth, with a fantastic song at the climax, and then… midnight strikes. Cinderella is stunned and Jasmine seizes victory in that moment. All of the stalling was for this, the second that Cinderella is common and weak.
Result: Cinderella strangled by the whip.
Final Battle:
Aurora v. Jasmine, Jasmine trekks to the final battle, Aurora’s castle. She is ready for the concluding fight, but something is stirring in the brambles, it’s a zombie Pocahontas, brought back by the spirit of the earth, she lurches toward Jasmine, and Jasmine takes her golden hair band and slaps it around the zombie’s wrist. Just as the genie was controlled, so now is this zombie. Jasmine and Zombie Pocahontas continue toward the castle, the briars clearing the way. Aurora, sensing everything from her bed, waits for the prime moment to send out her psychic attack. When she senses the moment is ripe, she sends out a concentrated blow of paralyzing fury, however Jasmine is immune and Pocahontas’s mind is no longer her own. The two continue unaffected. The briars tear the castle apart and bring Aurora to Pocahontas, who spears her through the heart.
Result: Jasmine and a small zombie army rule the land happily ever after.
Thus, in Conclusion, Jasmine would win through strength of character, resourcefulness, tiger abilities and Arabian mysticism. The strengths of the other princesses can all be overshadowed since they lack the qualities essential to survive a fight to the death.
Remember, if you’re putting money on it, bank on Jasmine.
This is a really controversial topic, but I feel I have important information that may sway you to my side in the matter. I have researched and discussed the possibilities, looked at each plausible course of action, because with Disney’s release of the Princess Collection, it has become an inevitable event and the people need to be prepared and informed. I am going to let you know how a Disney Princess Battle Royale would result, and who you should be rooting for.
This Battle Royale is a fight to the death between these Disney princesses: Jasmine, Ariel, Snow White, Cinderella, Belle, Aurora (Sleeping Beauty), and Pocahontas. Mulan is on this picture, but she is not a princess, therefore immediately disqualified.
First, we will evaluate the strengths and weaknesses of each contender, then establish who the logical champion must be.
1. Jasmine:
+Likes to swing it in the streets
+Has a tiger
+Immune to psychic attacks, as evidenced by Jafar’s inability to affect her.
+Pants
+Genie band in her hair (can control people like it controls her hair)
-Intolerant to cold
Weapon: Whip
2. Ariel:
+Monopoly on sea creatures
+Doe eyes
+Siren Song
-Insatiable wanderlust
-Helpless on land
Weapon: Fork
3. Snow White
+7 Dwarves
+Fairest of them all
-Naïve, will not make the first attack
-Often left Unguarded
Weapon: Pickaxe
4. Cinderella
+Cleaning powers
+Mice army, armed with needles and thread
+Fairy Godmother
?Pumpkin
-Midnight Curfew
Weapon: Glass Slipper Shards/mop
5. Belle
+Magic Mirror
+Animate Objects
+Crazy booksmart
-Cannot communicate with people
-Overconfident (French)
Weapon: Loaf of French bread
6. Aurora
+Play dead
+Thorny Briars
+Psychic powers due to excessive sleep (meditation)
-Atrophied muscles
-Spinning wheels, needles, blood
Weapon: Pillow
7. Pocahontas
+Nature always sides with her
+Physically fit
-Inferior immune system
Weapon: Spear
Tournament style this is how it would break down, in the first round
*Aurora is asleep.
*Pocahontas v. Snow white, Pocahontas convinces all those woodland creatures that watch Snow White do laundry that she is destroying their home. They mob and take pieces home as souvenirs of the fairest of them all.
Result: Snow White scattered.
Ariel v. *Jasmine, Jasmine goes fishing for Raja (the tiger) and catches Flounder. Ariel is furious, tries to use her glorious voice to lure Jasmine in, but Jasmine is immune to psychological attacks (Jafar could never control her), so, angry at the attempt, Jasmine uses her whip to fish Ariel out of her sea home, and sells her at the market.
Result: Mermaid special in Agrahbah.
Belle v. *Cinderella, Belle animates the pumpkin, turning it into a crawling, consuming monster, so Cinderella sends the mouse army to nibble it to death while she mops Belle’s face with some bleach. Belle takes this fairly well, after all, somebody has to be the beast, and counters with a loaf of French bread, however the mop makes it soggy, so it is ineffective, which gives Cinderella time to whip out a glass slipper, break it barfight style, and stab.
Result: Belle bleeds to death.
Round 2
*Aurora v. Pocahontas, So with the obvious abuse of nature, Pocahontas goes to set things right, when she gets near and Aurora tries to send the briars after her, nature bows to the Native Princess, preferring that to the curse. The Briars shield Pocahontas from harm and begin to tear down their castle. That’s when the three good faries that protect Aurora began to panic. They find Pocahontas in a fortress of brambles, and they not too warmly welcomed. They Parachute in smallpox blankets and flee.
Result: Pocahontas dies of European illness.
*Jasmine v. Cinderella, Cinderella’s Mice are sent forth in full fury, only to be eaten or scared off by Raja (tiger). Cinderella underestimates Jasmine, and does not realize what a dual nature she has. Just as when Jasmine was forced to deceive Jafar, she deceives Cinderella. Jasmine makes a seemingly reasonable request to have a final meal together. Each one is distrustful, so they order pizza, and watch each other like hawks so no poisoning occurs, then when they’ve had their fill and digested they resume the battle. Mop against whip they fight, almost evenly matched, back and forth, with a fantastic song at the climax, and then… midnight strikes. Cinderella is stunned and Jasmine seizes victory in that moment. All of the stalling was for this, the second that Cinderella is common and weak.
Result: Cinderella strangled by the whip.
Final Battle:
Aurora v. Jasmine, Jasmine trekks to the final battle, Aurora’s castle. She is ready for the concluding fight, but something is stirring in the brambles, it’s a zombie Pocahontas, brought back by the spirit of the earth, she lurches toward Jasmine, and Jasmine takes her golden hair band and slaps it around the zombie’s wrist. Just as the genie was controlled, so now is this zombie. Jasmine and Zombie Pocahontas continue toward the castle, the briars clearing the way. Aurora, sensing everything from her bed, waits for the prime moment to send out her psychic attack. When she senses the moment is ripe, she sends out a concentrated blow of paralyzing fury, however Jasmine is immune and Pocahontas’s mind is no longer her own. The two continue unaffected. The briars tear the castle apart and bring Aurora to Pocahontas, who spears her through the heart.
Result: Jasmine and a small zombie army rule the land happily ever after.
Thus, in Conclusion, Jasmine would win through strength of character, resourcefulness, tiger abilities and Arabian mysticism. The strengths of the other princesses can all be overshadowed since they lack the qualities essential to survive a fight to the death.
Remember, if you’re putting money on it, bank on Jasmine.