Shuffle Fingers, Comedian's Great Ideas, And My Mother.
I got the Calculator back eventually.
It was Daniel Tosh. And yes, it IS a great idea!
Alright enough with the comics. Let's talk serious for a change! That's what LJ is for right?
So far I've been using LJ just to be goofy and ignore my life problems, but for a few paragraphs I'm going to use it in a therapeutic way.
When I did go to counseling a few years back it did help to talk about my problems and I believe writing it will also be equally effective.
Alright, so My Mother. Growing up I did not have much of a father figure, so I could be what you call a "Momma's girl." We got a long swimmingly, by High School we were closer as I got into my classic rock phase (Journey, Foreigner, etc.), got a job, and she helped me finance my first car. We got even closer when she started going to college and went to UNT the same time I was a freshmen there. We ate lunch together, and generally hung out. It was fun!
So imagine my shock and dismay when she changed drastically. Started smoking (I'm highly against it), separated and then divorced my step-dad, ignoring my then 10 (now 13) yr old brother; dropping him off at families homes to watch him while she went out dancing and to clubs. She would get home late from work (and from picking up my brother from the daycare he was forced to stay at) because she would go out with work friends for Happy Hour.
She would say that David (my step-dad) had made her life miserable and she was finally happy and being herself and yada yada yada. If that did not scream out "Midlife Crisis" I don't know what did.
I was devastated, I felt like I lost a good friend and a Mom. Not to mention the raw deal my youngest brother was receiving whilst in such a young and impressionable age. Without bogging into too much details - I finally found out how selfish my mother had become and that in no way did I EVER want to be like her! She had put me into a lot of debt w/o my knowledge and to get her way she would guilt trip me.
Well needless to say, as soon as possible I cut off ties with her as much as possible. I would see her on holidays, I wouldn't call her, and I if I did, I generally treated her like crap. Revenge for the betrayal I felt.
Life went on. I would openly complain about my mother and how much I hated her. Then when ever a time came and I would see her, I would act like nothing happened. Then I realized I was not acting -- I was generally glad to see her, we would laugh and hug, and I wouldn't be mean -- until she would do something that reminded me.
Recently we had a small scuff. She forgot my birthday and I was hurt. All I wanted was maybe a birthday call with maybe a lunch or dinner outing later -- just the two of us. Well, I made sure to point it out very publicly (on facebook) after she made this comment to me "Oh Amber, who pulled your string?" To which I responded "You did for the Birthday Present I DIDN'T receive!" I know, a low blow, but she started it!
The next day we met at my sisters for a Football Party and she told me a birthday present was on it's way in the mail. Immediately I felt guilty. She always make me feel that way; I got my way but at what cost? GAH! Then I realized that she is the ONLY one who affects me in this way. The day she made that comment, I has furious for the rest of the day. After she told me my gift was on the way, I was depressed the next day, racked with guilt -- Did I hurt her feelings? Why is she giving me a gift instead of taking me out?(Which is what she would usually do.) "Does she not want to hang out with me anymore because I act like a bitter vindictive bitch?
I took the chance and texted her about mundane things - How are you? Did you had fun at Darlene's? Blah Blah. Since we never text each other, (or talk for that matter) I felt that me reaching out to her this way was a profound, albeit round about, way of telling her "I'm not mad, please do be sad Mommy." I apologized for my online behavior, blaming it on the stress of my current roommate situation, and she said something along the lines of "you need to tell me about it soon." As if saying, "I'm still you mom, you can tell me your problems, and I do want to see you and hang out." IMMEDIATELY I felt so much better! I was so happy!
It was then I realized the affect she still has on me. One wrong sentence and I spiral down into either a blind fury or a dark depression. One right sentence and I'm the happiest child in the world, and no one is greater than my mommy! Emotional Rollercoaster.
I can't change her back to the Mom I knew, but I can at least try to be friends with this new one. I'm going to try and stop talking smack about her to random people -- besides I'm tired of being the bitter vindictive bitch that I am slowly becoming. But we'll see how long I can last.
---------------------------------------------
Well, I'm done, and that was waaaay more than a few paragraphs. It felt good to get that all out in writing. Maybe I'll talk to her about it one day...maybe not, who knows.
I think the next entry should be my Roommate....
In the mean time ending this post with another random drawing:
This was supposed to be a random girl with glasses, but it turned into Asuka with Glasses <3
Asuka also had Mother problems :3
See ya next time!