My father
Tonight, baby, Matt is going to get all personal with you. So go get the champagn, cheese, and a nice warm blanket. We're going to go dive deep into his mind and get some close personal father son feelings going on.
My dad is a strange man, despite what his friends may believe. I say strange, but I don't mean freakishly strange, I mean.. multiple layers strange. And yes, a little bit of weird strange. He likes to have things done his way and often refuses to listen to any input as to how it could be done. I can remember several times of trying to tell him an easier way to do something and being forced to do it his way. Then after doing it his way a few times, I did it my way, which he later came and discovered I was doing it my way and saw that it was easier. He also had nothing to say, he just looked at me while I was doing the easier way. But that's not to say he's dumb in anyway, he's just stubborn. He is a very smart and competent mechanic and human being. He's taught me a great deal about carpentry, electricity, and cars. I in turn have tried to teach him computers.. ..but there are some people in this world who were never meant to learn computers I guess. It may be my teaching methods just don't colide with what he needs to be taught. But then, he's not such a great teacher himself. He gives me a general idea of what needs to be done, but I have to rely on my own knowledge to figure out HOW to do it. For instance, I was wiring a hot water heater for him while he was busy putting the pipes together. He told me to take the cover off, strip the wires, then screw the wires to the base. Which at the time was complete jibberish to me. Which was neutral? Which was hot? Can the ground and neutral touch each other? How tight should the screws be? I was left to figure all that out on my own. My guesses, obviously were wrong, but it wasn't until I asked him to check my work before he flipped the breaker that he discovered my work was wrong. Finally after realizing how little I truely knew by seeing my work, he walked me through the wiring step by step. That method is the method I learn, I guess he just didn't know it. Now I can wire anything I need and I know how to find hot and neutral from live wire with a voltmeter. Which brings me to my next topic. My dad's favorite lines were "I'm too busy". That was his reasoning for not taking me places or playing games with me. But I don't feel too down about it, that was also the reason he gave my mother and the rest of the family. He was "too busy" but I remember many nights where he lay on the couch watching TV or sleeping in the bed. Really, up until I was around 10-11 years old, all I really thought and knew about my father was that he was the big mean man that came home and gave the spankings. It wasn't until around 10 years old that I actually started talking to him and my father took shape from the man I envisioned from my previous years of life. His mantra of "I'm too busy" really took away some valuble time we could've shared. I hope I don't end up like that when I have kids. To his credit though, his work did make him work some f'ed up hours. I guess I'll never truely know if he could've just sucked up his tiredness and spent time with me. For only he and God know the answer to that. To this day he still uses his mantra. I am pretty competent when it comes to working on cars. But there are still a few questions I have, and I like him to check my work before I try to drive my truck. For obvious reasons, I want to make sure what I did won't cause an accident. But even with the seriousness of what bad work could cause on a car, it's very difficult to get him away from what he wants to do to help me/check my work. I guess maybe he is trying to build my self confidence and help me become independant. But I feel I need more advice first. Speaking of advice, I asked him once "what is the parenting job of a father?" he replied "to give life advice and to help you avoid the bad things of life. your mother nortures you and cares for you, but your father helps you through experience. your father has already been there and ran into the bad things, he tries to make your life easier." I still remember his answer just as clearly as the day he said it. It's really struck a cord in me and given me a model to follow as a father. Though my own father doesn't always follow what he said. I have been wrong in my impression of my father also. I used to think him weak, slow, and stupid when in fact he is still very strong, very quick and somewhat intelligent. I say somewhat because he's not a friggin genius, but he's smart. Looking at my dad, who has had gray hair since his thirties and has a big fat stomach, you'd never guess the man in front of you was ever special forces for the air force. You'd never guess that he could still move fast and hit hard. But you'll be extremely surprised when you try to fight him. He's proven that to me by being forced into fights with other people. My brother in law underestimated my father also, until my father picked him up over his head. Then my brother in law started to underestimate my father a little less. Until they were play fighting in the front yard. My dad was kicking his ass (without blood or anything it was strictly for fun) and that day my brother in law got a new respect for my father. I would have many experiences like my brother in law had that day play fighting with my dad. The most recent one was with the snake problem. I thought my dad was afraid of snakes but was too proud to admit it. I thought he was trying to act like he wasn't to try to make himself seem bold. To make himself seem like a hero. Until Wednesday came along. When I heard him knocking on my door I thought it was merely something stupid like he wanted his clothes changed from the washer to the dryer. I was amazed when he told me "I've got the snake caught but he's half way under your door. Open your door slowly so I can get a better grip on it." I opened my door and he asked "Is this the snake you saw earlier?" and after I said "yes, now kill it" I ran upstairs scared shitless. A few seconds later I heard a loud thud and my dad said "alright it's dead, now come take some pictures so you can identify it." Which I did but I forgot to load the CF card into the camera so the pictures didn't get stored. I have to admit, that afternoon as I got ready for bed, I felt great about my dad. I actually felt like I had a hero living in my house. It was a big relief off my shoulder because earlier when I found the snake he came into my room and stayed back. I was going and searching into places more than he was. That day I really thought he was afraid, and that picture I had of my invincible, will always be there to save you father, was shattered. Finally on Wednesday it was put back together with a new radiance. Thinking about that "will always be there to save me" part, I can't help but think what I'll do when he finally passes away. I'm confident in my ability to live on and be able to do things by myself (except kill snakes(who knows, maybe I'll get over that fear)), but I just can't imagine life without my father. It would truely be difficult, but I'm being selfish to try to keep him alive forever. I just hope it's a very long time before I finally do lose him. Right now if I were to lose my father, or in the next 5-7 years, I can honestly say the damage on my life would be severe. It's kind of funny when you realize that at age 21 and being an independant person, you still need your father for a little while longer. I hope one day my son will realize the samething.
Well I think this entry is long enough for now. I may come back and update it more as time passes and I think of new things. I wonder who will really read all of this? I can't say I blame you for just skimming it XD, but if you get a chance, read it fully and see if you can find things to relate to for your father. For those of you without fathers I hope what I've written above shows you that there are actually good fathers out there. And I'm sorry your fathers didn't turn out to be so great(by that I mean as a father, I don't mean in comparasion with my father).
My dad is a strange man, despite what his friends may believe. I say strange, but I don't mean freakishly strange, I mean.. multiple layers strange. And yes, a little bit of weird strange. He likes to have things done his way and often refuses to listen to any input as to how it could be done. I can remember several times of trying to tell him an easier way to do something and being forced to do it his way. Then after doing it his way a few times, I did it my way, which he later came and discovered I was doing it my way and saw that it was easier. He also had nothing to say, he just looked at me while I was doing the easier way. But that's not to say he's dumb in anyway, he's just stubborn. He is a very smart and competent mechanic and human being. He's taught me a great deal about carpentry, electricity, and cars. I in turn have tried to teach him computers.. ..but there are some people in this world who were never meant to learn computers I guess. It may be my teaching methods just don't colide with what he needs to be taught. But then, he's not such a great teacher himself. He gives me a general idea of what needs to be done, but I have to rely on my own knowledge to figure out HOW to do it. For instance, I was wiring a hot water heater for him while he was busy putting the pipes together. He told me to take the cover off, strip the wires, then screw the wires to the base. Which at the time was complete jibberish to me. Which was neutral? Which was hot? Can the ground and neutral touch each other? How tight should the screws be? I was left to figure all that out on my own. My guesses, obviously were wrong, but it wasn't until I asked him to check my work before he flipped the breaker that he discovered my work was wrong. Finally after realizing how little I truely knew by seeing my work, he walked me through the wiring step by step. That method is the method I learn, I guess he just didn't know it. Now I can wire anything I need and I know how to find hot and neutral from live wire with a voltmeter. Which brings me to my next topic. My dad's favorite lines were "I'm too busy". That was his reasoning for not taking me places or playing games with me. But I don't feel too down about it, that was also the reason he gave my mother and the rest of the family. He was "too busy" but I remember many nights where he lay on the couch watching TV or sleeping in the bed. Really, up until I was around 10-11 years old, all I really thought and knew about my father was that he was the big mean man that came home and gave the spankings. It wasn't until around 10 years old that I actually started talking to him and my father took shape from the man I envisioned from my previous years of life. His mantra of "I'm too busy" really took away some valuble time we could've shared. I hope I don't end up like that when I have kids. To his credit though, his work did make him work some f'ed up hours. I guess I'll never truely know if he could've just sucked up his tiredness and spent time with me. For only he and God know the answer to that. To this day he still uses his mantra. I am pretty competent when it comes to working on cars. But there are still a few questions I have, and I like him to check my work before I try to drive my truck. For obvious reasons, I want to make sure what I did won't cause an accident. But even with the seriousness of what bad work could cause on a car, it's very difficult to get him away from what he wants to do to help me/check my work. I guess maybe he is trying to build my self confidence and help me become independant. But I feel I need more advice first. Speaking of advice, I asked him once "what is the parenting job of a father?" he replied "to give life advice and to help you avoid the bad things of life. your mother nortures you and cares for you, but your father helps you through experience. your father has already been there and ran into the bad things, he tries to make your life easier." I still remember his answer just as clearly as the day he said it. It's really struck a cord in me and given me a model to follow as a father. Though my own father doesn't always follow what he said. I have been wrong in my impression of my father also. I used to think him weak, slow, and stupid when in fact he is still very strong, very quick and somewhat intelligent. I say somewhat because he's not a friggin genius, but he's smart. Looking at my dad, who has had gray hair since his thirties and has a big fat stomach, you'd never guess the man in front of you was ever special forces for the air force. You'd never guess that he could still move fast and hit hard. But you'll be extremely surprised when you try to fight him. He's proven that to me by being forced into fights with other people. My brother in law underestimated my father also, until my father picked him up over his head. Then my brother in law started to underestimate my father a little less. Until they were play fighting in the front yard. My dad was kicking his ass (without blood or anything it was strictly for fun) and that day my brother in law got a new respect for my father. I would have many experiences like my brother in law had that day play fighting with my dad. The most recent one was with the snake problem. I thought my dad was afraid of snakes but was too proud to admit it. I thought he was trying to act like he wasn't to try to make himself seem bold. To make himself seem like a hero. Until Wednesday came along. When I heard him knocking on my door I thought it was merely something stupid like he wanted his clothes changed from the washer to the dryer. I was amazed when he told me "I've got the snake caught but he's half way under your door. Open your door slowly so I can get a better grip on it." I opened my door and he asked "Is this the snake you saw earlier?" and after I said "yes, now kill it" I ran upstairs scared shitless. A few seconds later I heard a loud thud and my dad said "alright it's dead, now come take some pictures so you can identify it." Which I did but I forgot to load the CF card into the camera so the pictures didn't get stored. I have to admit, that afternoon as I got ready for bed, I felt great about my dad. I actually felt like I had a hero living in my house. It was a big relief off my shoulder because earlier when I found the snake he came into my room and stayed back. I was going and searching into places more than he was. That day I really thought he was afraid, and that picture I had of my invincible, will always be there to save you father, was shattered. Finally on Wednesday it was put back together with a new radiance. Thinking about that "will always be there to save me" part, I can't help but think what I'll do when he finally passes away. I'm confident in my ability to live on and be able to do things by myself (except kill snakes(who knows, maybe I'll get over that fear)), but I just can't imagine life without my father. It would truely be difficult, but I'm being selfish to try to keep him alive forever. I just hope it's a very long time before I finally do lose him. Right now if I were to lose my father, or in the next 5-7 years, I can honestly say the damage on my life would be severe. It's kind of funny when you realize that at age 21 and being an independant person, you still need your father for a little while longer. I hope one day my son will realize the samething.
Well I think this entry is long enough for now. I may come back and update it more as time passes and I think of new things. I wonder who will really read all of this? I can't say I blame you for just skimming it XD, but if you get a chance, read it fully and see if you can find things to relate to for your father. For those of you without fathers I hope what I've written above shows you that there are actually good fathers out there. And I'm sorry your fathers didn't turn out to be so great(by that I mean as a father, I don't mean in comparasion with my father).