deathcon 3
aggravated. feeling useless, belittled. my mental status is the hardest thing to change. sometimes i just think it'd be easier to be dead. but then survival of the fittest kicks in and i realize that would only prove that i wasn't strong enough to live. i just can't believe that life as prescious as it is was wasted on me. and really the problem is music. i used 6 years of my life to get good at it and im not even ok. i have outstanding gear to show for it. sometimes i wish i never picked up a violin or saw a piano at the y. music, fuck music who needs it. but my other half decides its all i can do and be decent at.
It's a constant mental battle. today i lost but tomorrow is another day. Why can't i have been an academically smart person. At least graduate find some job that i can do to support myself and just deteriorate the rest of my existance. i got halfway nearly. im 23. whats another 23 years. life is so short its almost like saying why bother the next 10 years you'll be to old to enjoy it anyway. i try to get ahead and keep falling behind. its like im shouting and pulling my hair out to a deep empty black hole. I wish I could belive in something, patriotism, God, love , but really what is. i cant see any of those things i cant touch them or feel them. what matters?
I hardly talk to my parents. they are more like work personalities i come home eat dinner and play battlefield 2 till my hands and eyes die. thats my day till the next pay period comes and i end up dishing it all out to the hungry world. my family is easily irritated by me, but who do i have anything in common with. my mind is a damn maze i cant simplify anything. Right now i'd settle for a girl that cared and actually would kiss me first or hug me first or whatever. im tired of doing all the work.
My future is bleak. I can't make decisions because i have no degree, no education, whatcompany would hire me? I want to be appreciated for my work. i want to love my job. i want to stop feeling so depressed. im tired of aching. im tired of not being able to change my mind. im tired of feeling like life is a prison. i need peace, i need bliss, i want to feel happy again.
It's a constant mental battle. today i lost but tomorrow is another day. Why can't i have been an academically smart person. At least graduate find some job that i can do to support myself and just deteriorate the rest of my existance. i got halfway nearly. im 23. whats another 23 years. life is so short its almost like saying why bother the next 10 years you'll be to old to enjoy it anyway. i try to get ahead and keep falling behind. its like im shouting and pulling my hair out to a deep empty black hole. I wish I could belive in something, patriotism, God, love , but really what is. i cant see any of those things i cant touch them or feel them. what matters?
I hardly talk to my parents. they are more like work personalities i come home eat dinner and play battlefield 2 till my hands and eyes die. thats my day till the next pay period comes and i end up dishing it all out to the hungry world. my family is easily irritated by me, but who do i have anything in common with. my mind is a damn maze i cant simplify anything. Right now i'd settle for a girl that cared and actually would kiss me first or hug me first or whatever. im tired of doing all the work.
My future is bleak. I can't make decisions because i have no degree, no education, whatcompany would hire me? I want to be appreciated for my work. i want to love my job. i want to stop feeling so depressed. im tired of aching. im tired of not being able to change my mind. im tired of feeling like life is a prison. i need peace, i need bliss, i want to feel happy again.