happy birthday to you
I'm not one to talk about my personal life online, and I don't think I'll do something like this again. But I want keep some memories alive online, some proof of existence I suppose. And so other people can know what a wonderful friend I had.
Last November, one of my best friends passed away. Yesterday would've been her 23rd birthday (yeah, I meant to post this yesterday, but couldn't bring myself to finish it). It's funny, I used to think the worst pain I could experience at this point of my life was a break-up, and crying into my pillow and playing sad songs over and over was grieving. But now I don't know what to do. I thought that I, and everyone around me, was invincible, and I took people's presence for granted until it was too late.
We first bonded over our love of yaoi, her as the yaoi veteran and me the bright-eyed newbie. My one request for Ouran doujinshi somehow sprawled into long Facebook messages of BL manga recs, scanlation tips, jokes, Vocaloid links, and life updates. She was the one who taught me about using Mangaupdates to reach a wider audience, and sneakily added all my releases to the database before I realized which LJ user she was. She would do things like defend me from a hateful comment on one of my scanlations, then deny it was her even when I dug up info linking her username to her identity.
What can I say about her? Nothing I say in this one little paragraph can do her justice, but I'll try anyway. She gets really passionate about silly things (like Vocaloid covers are definitely better than originals!!) and sometimes had no concept of an indoor voice, she often pronounced things hilariously wrong, she was willing to get shit done, and she really cared about other people (though she would never admit it). She's almost never on time, but she would plan out everyone's birthday presents months in advance she could order the nerdy things we like online and have it shipped ahead of time. Though she never really wanted to talk about herself, she'd be the first to ask how everyone is doing, to share news we'd find interesting, to offer help and consolation that didn't really seem to fit her brash personality at first.
I'm not here to glorify our friendship or her. To tell the truth, even though we saw each other often and gamed together every week, I find I didn't really know her at all. I wish I reached out more, ask her how she's been, what are her hopes and dreams, and why she's so kind to others and not enough to herself. And I'm grieving just as much out of regret for missed opportunities as sadness. But all I can do now is celebrate her life and our memories together. Sometimes when I'm looking for scanlation tutorial, I'll stumble upon some question she asked long ago, and when I'm torn between sadness and fond remembrance, I'll just choose to smile.
Hey, if someone out there is reading this, go and hug a loved one, or open up to someone. Sometimes life's too short.
Happy birthday, Princess Tart! I wish you could've been here to celebrate with us. I miss you so much.
Last November, one of my best friends passed away. Yesterday would've been her 23rd birthday (yeah, I meant to post this yesterday, but couldn't bring myself to finish it). It's funny, I used to think the worst pain I could experience at this point of my life was a break-up, and crying into my pillow and playing sad songs over and over was grieving. But now I don't know what to do. I thought that I, and everyone around me, was invincible, and I took people's presence for granted until it was too late.
We first bonded over our love of yaoi, her as the yaoi veteran and me the bright-eyed newbie. My one request for Ouran doujinshi somehow sprawled into long Facebook messages of BL manga recs, scanlation tips, jokes, Vocaloid links, and life updates. She was the one who taught me about using Mangaupdates to reach a wider audience, and sneakily added all my releases to the database before I realized which LJ user she was. She would do things like defend me from a hateful comment on one of my scanlations, then deny it was her even when I dug up info linking her username to her identity.
What can I say about her? Nothing I say in this one little paragraph can do her justice, but I'll try anyway. She gets really passionate about silly things (like Vocaloid covers are definitely better than originals!!) and sometimes had no concept of an indoor voice, she often pronounced things hilariously wrong, she was willing to get shit done, and she really cared about other people (though she would never admit it). She's almost never on time, but she would plan out everyone's birthday presents months in advance she could order the nerdy things we like online and have it shipped ahead of time. Though she never really wanted to talk about herself, she'd be the first to ask how everyone is doing, to share news we'd find interesting, to offer help and consolation that didn't really seem to fit her brash personality at first.
I'm not here to glorify our friendship or her. To tell the truth, even though we saw each other often and gamed together every week, I find I didn't really know her at all. I wish I reached out more, ask her how she's been, what are her hopes and dreams, and why she's so kind to others and not enough to herself. And I'm grieving just as much out of regret for missed opportunities as sadness. But all I can do now is celebrate her life and our memories together. Sometimes when I'm looking for scanlation tutorial, I'll stumble upon some question she asked long ago, and when I'm torn between sadness and fond remembrance, I'll just choose to smile.
Hey, if someone out there is reading this, go and hug a loved one, or open up to someone. Sometimes life's too short.
Happy birthday, Princess Tart! I wish you could've been here to celebrate with us. I miss you so much.