(no subject)
It's always really strange news when you hear about someone (from once upon) dying. And even more so, killing themselves. I've known -knew- John David for about ten years. A decade of knowing someone. I remember his disapproving scowls when I started dating Henry, and his invasive, rude behavior. Every time I assumed he hated me he would do something really kind for me. He was a small angry man-boy- with no outlet or release for a manic disposition. Lord knows I hadn't talked to him for years, and I don't regret that. I'm not the kind to lament a forced relationship with someone out of convenience. There was always tension between us, mostly intentional on both our parts (armslength/armslength). We knew each other through our most awkward years.
How much of him stays alive through me? Is that even something he would have wanted?
Maybe he just wanted all of us to stop and think about him.
He was always such a narcasisst, I can't ever imagine him letting anybody else or anything(including age) take his life.
I don't mean that in an insulting way. Just a note.
There is a hole in the world when we loose a storyteller.
It's been a strange couple of days, leading into the strangest, 9/11.
I wish I were in New York.
It sounds really strange to say, but I like earth-shattering news. "Like" maybe isn't the word. I appreciate it. I think it's important to experience things that shatter everyone’s bullshit American dream priorities. (consume/exist/consume/consume/destroy) It so weird to me it takes such things to make everyone be nice to each other. It takes the worst to dig out the best. I'm not making a big 'change your ways-don't take things for granted' speech. I know in a few days, a day, a matter of hours people will go back to low fat no carb whiten your teeth dieting. We live in a world built around the convenience of taking things for granted (with the consistant pressure to perform and prolong those feelings).
What are we giving up to feel that way?
I digress. I'll save that message for a day when I'm feeling a little larger.
After spending yesterday whining about photo shoots and all things surface, it's good to physically feel the insignificance of such things.
It is in that insignificance, I feel how small I am.
And to me, feeling small isn't a bad thing.
It's liberating.
And we all want to feel free.
Today, a day of extreme bravery and extreme cowardice,
I'm happy to just have my body.
On another day, my nerves returned,
My need to feel gigantic will return,
and the panic associated with insignificance with drive me,
and I will use this body as a catalyst for
(seemingly) gargantuan things.
But today, I will quietly enjoy my skin, and the simple existence of others.
It's funny it takes so much to grant the simple allowance for such actions.
Priority/Shift.
How much of him stays alive through me? Is that even something he would have wanted?
Maybe he just wanted all of us to stop and think about him.
He was always such a narcasisst, I can't ever imagine him letting anybody else or anything(including age) take his life.
I don't mean that in an insulting way. Just a note.
There is a hole in the world when we loose a storyteller.
It's been a strange couple of days, leading into the strangest, 9/11.
I wish I were in New York.
It sounds really strange to say, but I like earth-shattering news. "Like" maybe isn't the word. I appreciate it. I think it's important to experience things that shatter everyone’s bullshit American dream priorities. (consume/exist/consume/consume/destroy) It so weird to me it takes such things to make everyone be nice to each other. It takes the worst to dig out the best. I'm not making a big 'change your ways-don't take things for granted' speech. I know in a few days, a day, a matter of hours people will go back to low fat no carb whiten your teeth dieting. We live in a world built around the convenience of taking things for granted (with the consistant pressure to perform and prolong those feelings).
What are we giving up to feel that way?
I digress. I'll save that message for a day when I'm feeling a little larger.
After spending yesterday whining about photo shoots and all things surface, it's good to physically feel the insignificance of such things.
It is in that insignificance, I feel how small I am.
And to me, feeling small isn't a bad thing.
It's liberating.
And we all want to feel free.
Today, a day of extreme bravery and extreme cowardice,
I'm happy to just have my body.
On another day, my nerves returned,
My need to feel gigantic will return,
and the panic associated with insignificance with drive me,
and I will use this body as a catalyst for
(seemingly) gargantuan things.
But today, I will quietly enjoy my skin, and the simple existence of others.
It's funny it takes so much to grant the simple allowance for such actions.
Priority/Shift.