Stargazing
"... di notte cerco in ogni stella il tuo riflesso ..."
(Laura Pausini)
I heard this line when listening to Laura's "Tra te ed il mare" album earlier, and they really stuck with me. Watching the stars is something that I like, although I seldom do it. It's not much used to do stragazing when you live in the city, you just don't see many. I did watch them a bit when we were at the cottage this weekend (but it was so cold outside that I really did not stay for long), but I realized that stargazing is yet another thing that I have to take away from M ... It is too related to him in my mind, even though we only did it once and only for a very short while. But standing there with him under the starlit sky (even though we were hardly alone, even though it felt that way) was a lot closer to my dreams than I ever thought I would come ... The fact that those beautiful dreams soon came crushing down is another story ... *sigh*
" ... you will always be the shadow of a doubt Now I go crazy wondering what we might have been ..."
(Richard Marx)
I wish I could explain how I feel right now, but it's hard. I do feel a lot better than I've done in ages though, that much I can say. It felt really good Thursday to finally not react so much to his presence, his smile ... but I am still a long way from totally forgetting. It's a hard thing to do when there isn't anything else to distract you. Cissi keeps telling me I should not try to kill one "monster" with another, but it would probably work (it's not that I am really actively trying to find one though)... This said, I would still want it to be him, I can't help it. Or rather, what I most of all want is to know what happened, what went wrong ... How something that felt so right could turn out so wrong ... or rather not turn out anything at all ... leaving me in pain and crying for so long. But I should have asked him about that so long ago ... it is really too late now, I know ... and it hurts me. I am way too good at thinking "I will do that tomorrow" or "I just have to wait for the right moment", but the right moment to do something that is hard usually never comes, and suddenly you realize that so much time has passed while you were in some kind of black hole filled with pain, doubts and tears ...
" ... life was just what happened while we were busy making plans ..."
(Bon Jovi)
It is, is it not? We always seem to be looking forward to something, wanting something ... something other than what we've got here and now. Why is that? I once again have to realate to something that Amanda wrote once at 360! - "Happiness is being content with what you have". Why is that so hard? It shouldn't be!
I read a wonderful poem at sockerdricka today, and I think you should read it too! It's in Swedish though, so unless you're a Swede you might have problems understanding it. I still wanted to share it with you, cause it really spoke to me. This guy usually amazes me when he publishes poems, so ... I am not surprised!
Read the poem "Du ar som sotast nar jag ser dina brister" at Sockerdricka!
Personally I haven't written a single line of poetry lately ... I am so out of inspiration ... so what on Earth am I going to submit to the anthology? I guess I'll have to dig through some old stuff, cause I want to enter something ... even though it will make me utterly disappointed if they reject me again. Well, you can't have everything. And why is it that I always let everyone else read what I write and not the one who's causing me to write those poems, huh? That's a good question. Why are we so afraid to tell what we feel?
Listening to: "Den roda traden" by Bjorn Afzelius
Currently reading: "Velocity" by Dean Koontz