[ oneshot ] Star Driver in 10 Minutes
Title: Star Driver In 10 Minutes
Author: frostberryjam
Rated: PG
Warnings: Crack, swearing, fun poking at Star Driver.
Pairings: Everything the series itself suggests.
Summary: Star Driver episode one summed up in ten minutes, in the silliest way possible.
Author Notes: Done in the style of Movies in 15 Minutes. Don't take seriously, it's only a parody.
[BEACH OF STARRY-FILLED DESTINY AT NIGHT]
BLOND GIRL: Let's say mysterious things that no one understands yet and hint at something really angsty.
BLUE(ETTE) GUY: I think we can summarily say our lives just suck in spite of looking like supermodels and being apparently very wealthy and popular.
BLOND GIRL: Well, yeah, but for dramatic purposes let's be ~vague~ about why our lives blow and -- I smell a boy.
AUDIENCE: She smells a boy?
BLOND GIRL: He's close! He smells a lot! Of like, death.
BLUE(TTE) GUY: Well, I see a boy. He's like ten feet in front of us.
ALMOST DROWNED BOY: X_X
BLOND GIRL: TO THE RESCUE.
BLUE(TTE) GUY: So, seriously, about this smelling thing --
BLOND GIRL: Busy making out saving his life, talk later.
[ELEGANT BEDROOM IN MYSTERIOUS MANSION WITH A BITCHIN' VIEW]
REDHEAD GUY [FORMERLY 'ALMOST DROWNED BOY']: ... I have a headache, every part of my body hurts, I have no idea where I am or how I got into this bed, and there's a salty taste in my mouth. If an attractive guy walks in right now, there's only one thing that could have happened.
BLUE(TTE) GUY: *enters room* Hi.
REDHEAD GUY: ... Oh, god. My virginity.
BLUE(TTE) GUY: Nah, I'm too suspicious of you still to do anything but look. Wako, on the other hand, let's say her hands didn't stay north while saving you. You could even say she followed her instincts south.
WAKO [FORMERLY BLONDE GIRL]: THAT IS UNCOOL, SUGATA.
[FANCY BREAKFAST ROOM]
TAKUTO [FORMERLY REDHEAD GUY]: You have maids in French uniforms. Cosplaying as animals.
SUGATA [FORMERLY BLUE(TTE) GUY]: Their kinks, not mine.
WAKO: So, like, I'm just going to eat everything while you guys chat because OH MY GOD this all looks so good.
TAKUTO: Oh, so your most important personality trait is that you really, really love food? Mine's that I want to be ~FABULOUS~.
SUGATA: ... what?
TAKUTO: Seriously. I want to sparkle so much I put Edward Cullen to shame. Not that that's hard.
SUGATA: Seriously?
TAKUTO: I sense you doubt how fabulous I can be. Don't worry, I swam across the ocean just so that I could be here on the first day of school and make a ~DAZZLING~ impression.
SUGATA: That's not fabulous, that's retarded.
TAKUTO: You're just jealous you're not as pretty as me.
SUGATA: Hey, have you had your first kiss? Because Wako totally tongued you.
WAKO: I DID NOT.
TAKUTO: ...
MAID ONE: BTW they're engaged. JSYK.
TAKUTO: ... the hell is up with these islanders.
[IN FRONT OF SCHOOL BOARD]
RURI: OMG HI WAKO WE HAVE CLASS TOGETHER AGAIN. Also, hey, audience, I'm here to give contrast as to what a LONER Sugata is that he doesn't have a best friend and Wako does! This will be important later.
AUDIENCE: Oh. Thanks.
WAKO: YAY. 8D
RURI: AND WE GET EYE CANDY TOO. Look, blue and red pretty boys to mix and match OMG I CAN DIE HAPPY NOW.
TAKUTO: Oh, hey, Wako!
RURI: ... you know him?
WAKO: ... I made out with him.
RURI: 8O
GUY ON A BIKE: So even though there's like a hundred new kids in school, let's just focus on the pretty redheaded one.
GUY ON STEROIDS: Let's leer at him suggestively.
GUY ON BIKE: Lets.
BOTH: *LEER*
TAKUTO: *does not notice because everyone else is leering too*
AUDIENCE: *LEER*
[DORM HALL, LATE AFTERNOON]
SUGATA: Boo.
TAKUTO: ... don't you live in a big mansion?
SUGATA: Yeah, I'm simply here to invite you to dinner instead of calling the dorm like a normal person.
TAKUTO: ... like a date?
SUGATA: Wako's coming.
TAKUTO: Oh. So, hey, speaking of MacGuffins, this picture conveniently hanging on the wall? It was painted by my father.
SUGATA: O rly.
TAKUTO: Rly.
SUGATA: So, dinner?
VOICE ON PA SYSTEM: NEWB FRESHMEN ARE REQUIRED TO COME FOR A HAZING SESSION ON THE FIRST FLOOR.
TAKUTO: Rain check?
SUGATA: Am starting to think you feel uncomfortable around me.
[NEWB MEETING]
BENIO: tl;dr kiddos is that while you live here, I am your GOD. And no, I'm not a twelve year old with breast implants. Any more questions?
TAKUTO: What happens if we break a rule?
BENIO: A 100 PUSHUPS IN YOUR BATHING SUIT while I watch. Also BTW there is a creepy old mine behind the dorm that you can't go into because bad things will happen, the boogeyman will get you, etc, etc, and that's not suspicious at all.
GUY ON STEROIDS: So, pretty boy, I heard you swam to the island.
TAKUTO: Does this island have a Gossip Girl or something? How does everyone know?
GUY ON STEROIDS: Come over to my club. We'll strip down, have a few private sessions--
TAKUTO: What... club is this?
GUY ON STEROIDS: Boxing! I'm George, somehow, don't ask me why. So, how about it?
BENIO: George, stop hitting on the new kid. He's too pretty for you.
GEORGE: 8| I CALLED DIBS.
TAKUTO: You're making Sugata look normal.
TETSUYA: I'm only here to establish I exist and may have feelings for Benio.
[CREEPY FORBIDDEN MINE]
GAGAFIED BENIO: KURABOUSHI! *Nazi salute*
GAGAFIED TETSUYA & GEORGE: KURABOUSHI! *Nazi salute*
LADY GAGA: *plans her next music video at home*
[EERIE PLATFORM, SOMEWHERE UNDERGROUND. THERE ARE GIANT MANNEQUINS.]
PURPLE HAIRED GUY [HEAD]: So basically I'm going to hit you with my very phallic energy sword. We cool?
BLUE HAIRED GIRL: Hit me, big boy. I got naked for a reason, you know.
HEAD: LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED.
[BERRY: he actually says that. Go look. I'll wait.]
*magical, significant things happen*
*mostly BLUE HAIRED GIRL orgasms*
BLUE HAIRED GIRL: Was it good for you, baby?
[There are more creepy mannequins]
[There are also more Gaga-clones people]
[These two facts may be related]
WOMAN WITH LONG BROWN HAIR: I feel like we're watching porn. And, oh, yeah Cybodies are totally our pimped out rides now.
EVERYONE: *celebrates!*
[WAKO'S ROOM]
WAKO: I sense... a disturbance in the force.
GAGAFIED GEORGE: Oh hay, we'll be your kidnappers tonight.
WAKO: Do not want.
[DOJO]
SUGATA: *does three seconds of badass jumps*
SUGATA: I'm not going to be heard from for the rest of this parody, am I.
BERRY: No.
SUGATA: Fine. I'll just go polish my sword.
BERRY: ....
SUGATA: It's exactly what it sounds like.
[IN FRONT OF THE FORBIDDEN, PLOTFILLED MINES]
TAKUTO: Dude, I'm a guy. If you tell me not to go somewhere, I will go there. Now let's just vandalize the gate with these cutters instead of climbing it...
*Approaching rumble of imminent plot mine cart*
TAKUTO: *HIDES*
GAGAFIED GEORGE: Dude, did someone just try to break into our crib? ... are those cutters?
GAGAFIED TETSUYA: Whatever. I'm a little busy holding the MacGuffin. Deal with it.
TAKUTO: Okay, masks, weird clothes, taking a knocked out Wako into an abandoned mine... I'm going to be controversial and say these guys are creepy.
GAGAFIED GEORGE: I SEE YOU.
TAKUTO: Of course you see me, I'm a redhead wearing red in a perfectly lit night. And I am going to kick your ass in the name of love and justice!
GAGAFIED GEORGE: *summarily pwns the hell out of Takuto*
[INSIDE MINE]
WAKO: I've had dreams that started out like this. They don't end well.
[THERE IS A LOT OF GOBBLEDYGOOK BABBLING ABOUT THE PLOT]
[BASICALLY WAKO IS A MAIDEN. AND IF THEY BREAK HER VIRGINITY SEAL, IT'S GOOD FOR THE BAD GUYS.]
GAGAFIED GEORGE: Can I break the seal? Pretty, pretty please? I WANT TO METAPHORICALLY RAPE SOMEONE ALREADY, AT LEAST.
[INSIDE MINE, BUT SOMEWHERE SWANKIER. THERE IS A FISH TANK. THAT MEANS IT'S SWANKY.]
HEAD: It's ironic that I have a fish tank because I have a fish girl in a cage. I will name her Fish Girl.
SAKANA-CHAN: It's cool, I'm into it.
HEAD: Right. Let me just do that bit in the script where I vaguely imply maybe perhaps I or this shadowy guy across from me is the father of Takuto.
SAKANA-CHAN: Just so you know, I don't mind threesomes.
HEAD: Woman, stop stealing my heart. Now sing.
SAKANA-CHAN: *sings La Macarena*
HEAD: That wasn't what I had in mind.
SAKANA-CHAN: Japanese Girl?
HEAD: God, no. Look, just do that thing like in Utena where haunting music plays while someone gets ready to kick ass.
SAKANA-CHAN: We're ripping Utena off already?
HEAD: Baby, you have no idea.
[BACK TO THE LESS SWANKY PART OF THE MINE]
WAKO: OH MY GOD TAKUTOOOOOO.
TAKUTO: Who slipped me a roofie? ... are we in Evangelion?
WAKO: I don't think we're allowed to make any more references to other anime after the Utena one. Also, OH MY GOD ARE YOU OKAY.
GAGAFIED GEORGE: It's my time to Vogue Apprivoise, bitches.
[things happen]
[mostly George gets kinkily strapped down to a chair and electrocuted so the giant creepy mannequin doll can turn into a Gundam]
[because that's how Cybodies roll.]
WAKO: Dude. DUDE. THIS IS SO NOT COOL.
GAGAFIED TETSUYA: Well, we're winning, so... we think it's pretty cool.
TAKUTO: Hell if I know what's going on BUT. *attempts to rescue Wako*
[stuff happens; mainly TIME ITSELF FREEZES holy crap]
TAKUTO: *frozen statue*
GAGAFIED BENIO: Hahah, owned. Newb.
[and then they were all -- minus Takuto -- whisked away to a floating arena in the sky under an upside down castle a field of stars]
EVERYONE: It's so pretty...
GAGAFIED GEORGE: Alright. Time to get my symbolic rape on.
WAKO: Guys, can't we talk about this? Seriously, no means no.
[SUDDENLY THERE IS TAKUTO ON THE STAR FIELD]
EVERYONE: ... what.
TAKUTO: I am tied up and I still get here. How's that for fabulous? But I've saved for the best for last. Nothing but a YouTube clip can cover how ridiculously awesome this is. But since Berry is too lazy to find one --
BERRY: Eh.
TAKUTO: Just imagine the most goddamn sparkly shoujo transformation you've ever seen and add a giant mecha to it.
AUDIENCE: Seriously?
TAKUTO: Why do people keep asking me that? Seriously. GALACTIC PRETTY BOY POWER UP.
GAGA-CROWD: Oh my God! IT'S THE GALACTIC PRETTY BOY.
WAKO: What?
WAKO: No, really, what? What the hell's going on here?
FABULOUS!TAKUTO: I will now out-Vogue you so hard you'll never be able to Vogue again. My Tauburn's flamboyancy and bitchin' paint job win over your fuggly cybody any day.
GAGAFIED GEORGE: Does any of that make sense?
AUDIENCE: Does anything in this episode?
GAGAFIED GEORGE: Touché.
[GAGAFIED GEORGE proceeds to be FABULOUSLY and DAZZLINGLY pwned by FABULOUS!TAKUTO'S deadly ballet moves]
[there are explosions]
GAGA-CROWD: THAT IS SO NOT FAIR HE'S TOTALLY USING THE THIRD PHASE! REDO, REDO.
[There are no redos. Stop complaining.]
TAUBURN: *catches... WAKO's... ball thingy* *TAKUTO and WAKO stare at each other*
WAKO: Anything you want to tell me?
TAKUTO: Nah. Why spoil the surprise? Besides, I'm busy doing my heroic victory pose.
[BACK IN CREEPY MINE]
GAGAFIED GEORGE: Somehow I survived the big kaboom. GO ME.
GAGAFIED CREEPY GUY: Yeeaaaaah except you don't get to use a cybody again.
GAGAFIED GEORGE: *cries*
[SOMEWHERE ON A GIANT HAND RISING OUT OF THE OCEAN]
WAKO: So, seriously, what the hell is that? How come you can pilot a Cybody?
TAKUTO: Shhh. I can't tell you that until probably the last episode.
WAKO: Fine, I'll just sit here and stare at you.
TAKUTO: OK... I'll ... well, according to the script, I stare back at you.
WAKO: *stare*
TAKUTO: *stare*
[fifteen minutes later]
TAKUTO: OK, AUDIENCE, GO AWAY. THE END OF EPISODE ONE. NO MORE TO SEE.
WAKO: ... how are we going to get off this hand?
TAKUTO: 8|
Author: frostberryjam
Rated: PG
Warnings: Crack, swearing, fun poking at Star Driver.
Pairings: Everything the series itself suggests.
Summary: Star Driver episode one summed up in ten minutes, in the silliest way possible.
Author Notes: Done in the style of Movies in 15 Minutes. Don't take seriously, it's only a parody.
[BEACH OF STARRY-FILLED DESTINY AT NIGHT]
BLOND GIRL: Let's say mysterious things that no one understands yet and hint at something really angsty.
BLUE(ETTE) GUY: I think we can summarily say our lives just suck in spite of looking like supermodels and being apparently very wealthy and popular.
BLOND GIRL: Well, yeah, but for dramatic purposes let's be ~vague~ about why our lives blow and -- I smell a boy.
AUDIENCE: She smells a boy?
BLOND GIRL: He's close! He smells a lot! Of like, death.
BLUE(TTE) GUY: Well, I see a boy. He's like ten feet in front of us.
ALMOST DROWNED BOY: X_X
BLOND GIRL: TO THE RESCUE.
BLUE(TTE) GUY: So, seriously, about this smelling thing --
BLOND GIRL: Busy making out saving his life, talk later.
[ELEGANT BEDROOM IN MYSTERIOUS MANSION WITH A BITCHIN' VIEW]
REDHEAD GUY [FORMERLY 'ALMOST DROWNED BOY']: ... I have a headache, every part of my body hurts, I have no idea where I am or how I got into this bed, and there's a salty taste in my mouth. If an attractive guy walks in right now, there's only one thing that could have happened.
BLUE(TTE) GUY: *enters room* Hi.
REDHEAD GUY: ... Oh, god. My virginity.
BLUE(TTE) GUY: Nah, I'm too suspicious of you still to do anything but look. Wako, on the other hand, let's say her hands didn't stay north while saving you. You could even say she followed her instincts south.
WAKO [FORMERLY BLONDE GIRL]: THAT IS UNCOOL, SUGATA.
[FANCY BREAKFAST ROOM]
TAKUTO [FORMERLY REDHEAD GUY]: You have maids in French uniforms. Cosplaying as animals.
SUGATA [FORMERLY BLUE(TTE) GUY]: Their kinks, not mine.
WAKO: So, like, I'm just going to eat everything while you guys chat because OH MY GOD this all looks so good.
TAKUTO: Oh, so your most important personality trait is that you really, really love food? Mine's that I want to be ~FABULOUS~.
SUGATA: ... what?
TAKUTO: Seriously. I want to sparkle so much I put Edward Cullen to shame. Not that that's hard.
SUGATA: Seriously?
TAKUTO: I sense you doubt how fabulous I can be. Don't worry, I swam across the ocean just so that I could be here on the first day of school and make a ~DAZZLING~ impression.
SUGATA: That's not fabulous, that's retarded.
TAKUTO: You're just jealous you're not as pretty as me.
SUGATA: Hey, have you had your first kiss? Because Wako totally tongued you.
WAKO: I DID NOT.
TAKUTO: ...
MAID ONE: BTW they're engaged. JSYK.
TAKUTO: ... the hell is up with these islanders.
[IN FRONT OF SCHOOL BOARD]
RURI: OMG HI WAKO WE HAVE CLASS TOGETHER AGAIN. Also, hey, audience, I'm here to give contrast as to what a LONER Sugata is that he doesn't have a best friend and Wako does! This will be important later.
AUDIENCE: Oh. Thanks.
WAKO: YAY. 8D
RURI: AND WE GET EYE CANDY TOO. Look, blue and red pretty boys to mix and match OMG I CAN DIE HAPPY NOW.
TAKUTO: Oh, hey, Wako!
RURI: ... you know him?
WAKO: ... I made out with him.
RURI: 8O
GUY ON A BIKE: So even though there's like a hundred new kids in school, let's just focus on the pretty redheaded one.
GUY ON STEROIDS: Let's leer at him suggestively.
GUY ON BIKE: Lets.
BOTH: *LEER*
TAKUTO: *does not notice because everyone else is leering too*
AUDIENCE: *LEER*
[DORM HALL, LATE AFTERNOON]
SUGATA: Boo.
TAKUTO: ... don't you live in a big mansion?
SUGATA: Yeah, I'm simply here to invite you to dinner instead of calling the dorm like a normal person.
TAKUTO: ... like a date?
SUGATA: Wako's coming.
TAKUTO: Oh. So, hey, speaking of MacGuffins, this picture conveniently hanging on the wall? It was painted by my father.
SUGATA: O rly.
TAKUTO: Rly.
SUGATA: So, dinner?
VOICE ON PA SYSTEM: NEWB FRESHMEN ARE REQUIRED TO COME FOR A HAZING SESSION ON THE FIRST FLOOR.
TAKUTO: Rain check?
SUGATA: Am starting to think you feel uncomfortable around me.
[NEWB MEETING]
BENIO: tl;dr kiddos is that while you live here, I am your GOD. And no, I'm not a twelve year old with breast implants. Any more questions?
TAKUTO: What happens if we break a rule?
BENIO: A 100 PUSHUPS IN YOUR BATHING SUIT while I watch. Also BTW there is a creepy old mine behind the dorm that you can't go into because bad things will happen, the boogeyman will get you, etc, etc, and that's not suspicious at all.
GUY ON STEROIDS: So, pretty boy, I heard you swam to the island.
TAKUTO: Does this island have a Gossip Girl or something? How does everyone know?
GUY ON STEROIDS: Come over to my club. We'll strip down, have a few private sessions--
TAKUTO: What... club is this?
GUY ON STEROIDS: Boxing! I'm George, somehow, don't ask me why. So, how about it?
BENIO: George, stop hitting on the new kid. He's too pretty for you.
GEORGE: 8| I CALLED DIBS.
TAKUTO: You're making Sugata look normal.
TETSUYA: I'm only here to establish I exist and may have feelings for Benio.
[CREEPY FORBIDDEN MINE]
GAGAFIED BENIO: KURABOUSHI! *Nazi salute*
GAGAFIED TETSUYA & GEORGE: KURABOUSHI! *Nazi salute*
LADY GAGA: *plans her next music video at home*
[EERIE PLATFORM, SOMEWHERE UNDERGROUND. THERE ARE GIANT MANNEQUINS.]
PURPLE HAIRED GUY [HEAD]: So basically I'm going to hit you with my very phallic energy sword. We cool?
BLUE HAIRED GIRL: Hit me, big boy. I got naked for a reason, you know.
HEAD: LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED.
[BERRY: he actually says that. Go look. I'll wait.]
*magical, significant things happen*
*mostly BLUE HAIRED GIRL orgasms*
BLUE HAIRED GIRL: Was it good for you, baby?
[There are more creepy mannequins]
[There are also more Gaga-clones people]
[These two facts may be related]
WOMAN WITH LONG BROWN HAIR: I feel like we're watching porn. And, oh, yeah Cybodies are totally our pimped out rides now.
EVERYONE: *celebrates!*
[WAKO'S ROOM]
WAKO: I sense... a disturbance in the force.
GAGAFIED GEORGE: Oh hay, we'll be your kidnappers tonight.
WAKO: Do not want.
[DOJO]
SUGATA: *does three seconds of badass jumps*
SUGATA: I'm not going to be heard from for the rest of this parody, am I.
BERRY: No.
SUGATA: Fine. I'll just go polish my sword.
BERRY: ....
SUGATA: It's exactly what it sounds like.
[IN FRONT OF THE FORBIDDEN, PLOTFILLED MINES]
TAKUTO: Dude, I'm a guy. If you tell me not to go somewhere, I will go there. Now let's just vandalize the gate with these cutters instead of climbing it...
*Approaching rumble of imminent plot mine cart*
TAKUTO: *HIDES*
GAGAFIED GEORGE: Dude, did someone just try to break into our crib? ... are those cutters?
GAGAFIED TETSUYA: Whatever. I'm a little busy holding the MacGuffin. Deal with it.
TAKUTO: Okay, masks, weird clothes, taking a knocked out Wako into an abandoned mine... I'm going to be controversial and say these guys are creepy.
GAGAFIED GEORGE: I SEE YOU.
TAKUTO: Of course you see me, I'm a redhead wearing red in a perfectly lit night. And I am going to kick your ass in the name of love and justice!
GAGAFIED GEORGE: *summarily pwns the hell out of Takuto*
[INSIDE MINE]
WAKO: I've had dreams that started out like this. They don't end well.
[THERE IS A LOT OF GOBBLEDYGOOK BABBLING ABOUT THE PLOT]
[BASICALLY WAKO IS A MAIDEN. AND IF THEY BREAK HER VIRGINITY SEAL, IT'S GOOD FOR THE BAD GUYS.]
GAGAFIED GEORGE: Can I break the seal? Pretty, pretty please? I WANT TO METAPHORICALLY RAPE SOMEONE ALREADY, AT LEAST.
[INSIDE MINE, BUT SOMEWHERE SWANKIER. THERE IS A FISH TANK. THAT MEANS IT'S SWANKY.]
HEAD: It's ironic that I have a fish tank because I have a fish girl in a cage. I will name her Fish Girl.
SAKANA-CHAN: It's cool, I'm into it.
HEAD: Right. Let me just do that bit in the script where I vaguely imply maybe perhaps I or this shadowy guy across from me is the father of Takuto.
SAKANA-CHAN: Just so you know, I don't mind threesomes.
HEAD: Woman, stop stealing my heart. Now sing.
SAKANA-CHAN: *sings La Macarena*
HEAD: That wasn't what I had in mind.
SAKANA-CHAN: Japanese Girl?
HEAD: God, no. Look, just do that thing like in Utena where haunting music plays while someone gets ready to kick ass.
SAKANA-CHAN: We're ripping Utena off already?
HEAD: Baby, you have no idea.
[BACK TO THE LESS SWANKY PART OF THE MINE]
WAKO: OH MY GOD TAKUTOOOOOO.
TAKUTO: Who slipped me a roofie? ... are we in Evangelion?
WAKO: I don't think we're allowed to make any more references to other anime after the Utena one. Also, OH MY GOD ARE YOU OKAY.
GAGAFIED GEORGE: It's my time to Vogue Apprivoise, bitches.
[things happen]
[mostly George gets kinkily strapped down to a chair and electrocuted so the giant creepy mannequin doll can turn into a Gundam]
[because that's how Cybodies roll.]
WAKO: Dude. DUDE. THIS IS SO NOT COOL.
GAGAFIED TETSUYA: Well, we're winning, so... we think it's pretty cool.
TAKUTO: Hell if I know what's going on BUT. *attempts to rescue Wako*
[stuff happens; mainly TIME ITSELF FREEZES holy crap]
TAKUTO: *frozen statue*
GAGAFIED BENIO: Hahah, owned. Newb.
[and then they were all -- minus Takuto -- whisked away to a floating arena in the sky under an upside down castle a field of stars]
EVERYONE: It's so pretty...
GAGAFIED GEORGE: Alright. Time to get my symbolic rape on.
WAKO: Guys, can't we talk about this? Seriously, no means no.
[SUDDENLY THERE IS TAKUTO ON THE STAR FIELD]
EVERYONE: ... what.
TAKUTO: I am tied up and I still get here. How's that for fabulous? But I've saved for the best for last. Nothing but a YouTube clip can cover how ridiculously awesome this is. But since Berry is too lazy to find one --
BERRY: Eh.
TAKUTO: Just imagine the most goddamn sparkly shoujo transformation you've ever seen and add a giant mecha to it.
AUDIENCE: Seriously?
TAKUTO: Why do people keep asking me that? Seriously. GALACTIC PRETTY BOY POWER UP.
GAGA-CROWD: Oh my God! IT'S THE GALACTIC PRETTY BOY.
WAKO: What?
WAKO: No, really, what? What the hell's going on here?
FABULOUS!TAKUTO: I will now out-Vogue you so hard you'll never be able to Vogue again. My Tauburn's flamboyancy and bitchin' paint job win over your fuggly cybody any day.
GAGAFIED GEORGE: Does any of that make sense?
AUDIENCE: Does anything in this episode?
GAGAFIED GEORGE: Touché.
[GAGAFIED GEORGE proceeds to be FABULOUSLY and DAZZLINGLY pwned by FABULOUS!TAKUTO'S deadly ballet moves]
[there are explosions]
GAGA-CROWD: THAT IS SO NOT FAIR HE'S TOTALLY USING THE THIRD PHASE! REDO, REDO.
[There are no redos. Stop complaining.]
TAUBURN: *catches... WAKO's... ball thingy* *TAKUTO and WAKO stare at each other*
WAKO: Anything you want to tell me?
TAKUTO: Nah. Why spoil the surprise? Besides, I'm busy doing my heroic victory pose.
[BACK IN CREEPY MINE]
GAGAFIED GEORGE: Somehow I survived the big kaboom. GO ME.
GAGAFIED CREEPY GUY: Yeeaaaaah except you don't get to use a cybody again.
GAGAFIED GEORGE: *cries*
[SOMEWHERE ON A GIANT HAND RISING OUT OF THE OCEAN]
WAKO: So, seriously, what the hell is that? How come you can pilot a Cybody?
TAKUTO: Shhh. I can't tell you that until probably the last episode.
WAKO: Fine, I'll just sit here and stare at you.
TAKUTO: OK... I'll ... well, according to the script, I stare back at you.
WAKO: *stare*
TAKUTO: *stare*
[fifteen minutes later]
TAKUTO: OK, AUDIENCE, GO AWAY. THE END OF EPISODE ONE. NO MORE TO SEE.
WAKO: ... how are we going to get off this hand?
TAKUTO: 8|