NaNoWriMo 2011: feelings
Because I always find it interesting to see how I've felt during NaNo, I'll collect my thoughts here into one giant post. :3
Sunday, Oct 30, 23:45
I have the weirdest feeling. I just realized that 24 hours from now, I'll be watching the clock like a hawk, waiting for midnight, and I have this absolutely... exhilarated feeling. Sometimes, I've been feeling really "meh" before NaNo, sometimes I've been really excited, but I can't remember a time when I was dreading the approach of the event and feeling fantastic about it at the same time. It's... kind of like when you go to sit in one of the crazier attractions at a theme park, and the safety bars are locked -- that mix of horrified glee while you wait for the ride to start. That's how I feel. ♪
And it's awesome. NaNoWriMo 2011, here we come!
Tuesday, Nov 1, 21:00
Weeell, I missed the midnight start by a couple of minutes because I was taking a shower after moving furniture all over the place, doing the dishes and clearing out junk I'd been meaning to get rid of for months. It's so nice to do all of that just before NaNo starts, you know. :P Plus I hadn't eaten very well in several days and I had tai chi practice in the evening (on Monday, not today), so I was pretty much dead on my feet come midnight. I spent a couple of hours writing anyway and got 1400 words written. I could've fallen asleep on my keyboard, for all the sense the prose makes, but hey. It's a start.
I wrote some 800 words at university while waiting for my seminar class to start. We went over my essay in class. It's ever so much fun to have your writings dissected by others... :P But it was helpful, and I'm in a pretty good mood. By the way, the teacher and a friend of mine greatly enjoyed the way I started my essay, so I'll share the beginning with you all. This is (seriously!) how my essay on the verb dream started:
Sometimes, I dream of finishing a paper without having to pull an all-nighter to make the deadline. It seems that is not to be: I didn't get to dream much last night, either in sleep or awake, because I was so busy writing!
And who says grammar has to be boring? :3
But back to NaNo. I just got home 30 minutes ago. I should be doing my homework for tomorrow's classes, but I still haven't reached my quota for today, so I'll go remedy that now. Ta!
Wednesday, Nov 2, 0:45
So, I got 3330 words written on the first day, AND while I ended up stopping in the middle of a scene, I'm looking forward to continuing writing later today because while I've had a scene from Yuan's POV and half of one from Botta's, I finally get to introduce the two to each other! *squeals* I'm way too excited about that. XD Unfortunately, I should be getting to sleep right about now. *yawn* Classes tomorrow... and I still have a ton of homework. I wish I could put university on hold for a month!
I ended up getting sidetracked by something a little while before midnight, so now I don't really feel like writing anymore. I mean, I want to write, but I'm too tired to think. Hmm... Just a couple hundred words first, then I'm off to bed... *yawn*
Wednesday, Nov 2, 21:15
Hmm. I can't make myself sit down and type. Write or Die is a lifesaver, that's all I can say. Yesterday, my speed was 780 words/hour. That was without WoD. Today, with the help of WoD? It's more than 2 000 words/hour. So, in theory, it shouldn't take me more than 1,5 hours of writing every day to reach my goal. It's not that straightforward, of course, but still. I don't even know if WoD makes me write any worse than I already did. XD; I tried reading yesterday's output, and sheesh, it really is terrible. But that just amuses me more than anything, so I guess it's cool. I just wish I could get the characters to stop talking (and flirting) so the plot could move forward! ARGH.
*sigh* I'm stalling. I should go continue writing. I hit 5k a little while ago, but I want to have at least 6 500 by midnight, so I still have a ways to go. x_x
Thursday, Nov 3, 0:30
*giggle* I feel thoroughly silly. I don't even know why, maybe it's because I got more written before midnight than I thought I would. :3 Today, I should finally hit 10k. I need that one-day-buffer so that if (/when) I miss a day, that won't make me want to quit immediately.
I have 7k written now. Some people have managed to have four chapters in that number of words. Me? I still haven't wrapped up the third scene, let alone any chapters. o_o;;; Wordpadding: I'm a master at it.
I'm a bit worried, because I had a clear beginning in mind, and then I have some scenes here and there that I've thought of, but I lack all... plot-relevant scenes. o.o I don't know what I'm going to do. Considering how much the characters seem to want to bone each other, this story may end up becoming shorter than I thought it would. XD; Also? I'm terrible at having people move during conversations. It took me almost 5 000 words to realize that Yuan and Botta had been standing less than an arm's length away from each other all that time... and this is the first time they've ever met. Oy vey. ._.;; I'm having fun, but it's not because my story's good or has good humor in it. It's so bad that I can't help laughing. Good grief. XD
Sunday, Nov 6, 12:00
*sigh* Writing has been like pulling teeth the past few days. That's been made that much worse by my not being home (I'm at my mother's for the weekend). There are so many things to distract me! Plus the ride here and the ride home are not conducive to writing because I can't do anything except maybe sleep in a car without feeling sick. I also have a royal headache for having slept in a less-than-ideal bed, and that's made me cranky.
Content-wise, my story has taken a turn for the... uh, non-humor direction. I suppose that's the only way I can describe it. I meant it to be light-hearted and funny. It's now turned out to be drama and heading toward action/adventure. And Botta, despite being a main character, got kind of shafted. O_o; His part was getting a little too unbelievable and complex, so I shoved him aside and brought in Kratos. Now Yuan and Kratos are snarking at each other at every turn. But hey, at least I get to write ridiculously cute kid!Lloyd into the story.
...I wonder what this all will lead to. Yuan has complied with exactly one of my main plot points: he refuses to participate in a ball. My reasons for him to do that were meant to be "I don't want to find a bride among these people!/This is ridiculous, I'm not getting married". His reason for not taking part turned out to be "I don't have time for this, I'm heading to war!" That's right, he decided to start waging war against Yggdrasill despite my attempts to keep him from doing just that. *headdesk*
I'm unimpressed with my prose. The back-and-forth snarkiness between Yuan and Kratos is probably the only part of the story I like so far. I wonder if even that will last.
Monday, Nov 7, 0:30
I hate my story.
I could get something written by switching my POV characters -- originally I only meant to write from Yuan and Botta's views, but I had to write from Kratos' last night because Yuan and Botta are being a pain. I don't know what to do. Last year, I booted Yuan out of my story for a while, and that helped somewhat. Now I threw Botta out into the snow for a day or two, but Yuan is still being a cranky bastard, so I have no clue if that's going to help at all.
That said, I had fun writing about Lloyd and Dirk, but I doubt they're very much in character. Also, my story has decided to become serious drama. The only even partially funny thing in it so far is Kratos being my mouthpiece and chewing Yuan out for being an irresponsible idiot.
I miss those times when I had these absolutely insane ideas and events taking place in my NaNos. For example, in one story, Botta was allergic to ice. In another that spawned a new piece of headcanon for me, Yuan had a fear of creeper plants. So far, there's been nothing interesting in this year's NaNo, the plot won't go anywhere, and I'm pissed at the story. >:/ I hope I'm going to have moments of "brilliance" later on so that this story won't make for such boring reading.
Monday, Nov 7, 20:00
I'm not a social person at the best of times.
Now's nothing but the best of times. I'm so frustrated and exhausted that I'm about to fall apart at the slightest push. Not an anxiety attack type falling apart, just... the sort of exhausted "I can't go on!" tantrum. I had tai chi practice today, and while I can usually cope with not getting the hang of many of the moves for a while, today I had absolutely no patience or mercy for myself. I was about to burst into tears at several points. -_- It's kind of ironic, considering that the move giving me so much trouble is meant to symbolize the cleansing and calming of one's mind in face of life's rush and hardships.
Spending all my time around people without any chance to "recuperate" by myself makes me into a weepy, annoying, irritable person. I like to think I'm at least somewhat tolerable on a normal day. Today, I was anything but. God, I need sleep. And time alone. Unfortunately, I won't have time for that until Wednesday. =_=
I'm not giving up on NaNo. Of course I'm not, I could never think of such a thing, because NaNo always gives me so much, but I still hate the story. I had an idea for where to take the story today and/or tomorrow, but I'll have to see if that pans out. I did write some 800 words earlier today and would have liked to write more but didn't have the time for it. I have a ton of university stuff to do for tomorrow, so I don't know if I even get to write much more tonight. I hope I do. I think that's the only thing that could make me feel not quite so homicidal right now. If nothing else, I can fantasize about having the story printed out and getting to shred it to pieces.
Tuesday, Nov 8, 9:30
Ugh. I should be heading to university right about now, but I'm too tired and lethargic to do more than just sit here. I haven't done the exercises I should have done for a course on data structures. Meh. If I didn't have to be somewhere at 12, I'd go back to sleep and just go to university for my seminar class in the evening, because I am so wiped out. I've calmed down from yesterday -- I don't feel like lambasting all people in my vicinity anymore. Playing games helped tremendously. I didn't really have the time to go playing anything, but my mind definitely needed the break. I'm just tired. I can stay awake by drinking copious amounts of stuff that has caffeine in it, but I just want to sleep. ._. Blah.
I said yesterday that I had an idea as to which direction to take my NaNo. Yes, well, that's still just an idea, because the goddamn characters refuse to do anything that might build up to romance. A scene I meant to set in one character's private quarters now takes place in a completely open and public workshop. *facepalm* If the characters were being difficult to begin with, THAT's certainly not going to convince them to have a heart-to-heart.
I never thought I'd have to say this, but... I can't write Botta. o_o; The way I've characterized him so far is so vague that I have no idea what he is like in this story, which is all kinds of fail. I had Yuan pester him for details about his life yesterday so that I could have an epiphany. So far, no such luck.
On the other hand, I did manage to include one of those totally unexpected, totally random things I was crying after on Sunday. Apparently, Yuan now hates reading Shakespeare. O_o
Wednesday, Nov 9, 20:30
o_o; I... don't know what to say. My brain... kind of ran away from me while I was writing yesterday. What's the problem? The problem is that I've written almost exactly the same kind of scene I was working on during NaNo years ago, and the scene and the idea behind it suck to begin with! Add to that terrible writing and you have the recipe for disaster in your hands. Sigh. "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me." I think I really should be ashamed now. *slinks away*
Thursday, Nov 10, 23:50
Aaa! *squeals* I did it! Wrote 5550 words today and hit 30k in total. :3 Yay! No real plot in sight, but I finally managed to solve a plothole that had been annoying me. Not very well, I admit, but I don't care right now. I'm just happy it's gone. Also, I finally got the characters into a situation that could very well develop into a romantic one... I doubt it will, because Botta is much too afraid that Yuan is trying to kill him, but we'll see where the story ends up going.
Now, I think it's time I went to hit the hay. I'm so tired I'm dizzy and can't see straight. x_x
Saturday, Nov 12, 23:55
HOLY SHIT.
I wrote 5450 words today, and would have written more, but a) I ran out of time, b) my butt already hates me for sitting here so long. I had a blast writing today! Usually, with WoD, I can write a little bit over 500 words in 15 minutes. Today, I could easily hit over 600 words in almost every 15-minute session, because the text was flowing so easily. I'm so happy that I don't even have words to express how I feel right now! On no other day during this November (so far) has it been this easy for me to churn out text.
The story is pretty much nonsense, but I have cheerfully embraced it as the collection of random character snapshots that it seems to be... and at the moment, I seem to have a) a plot, b) characters who obey me, c) romance in the story, d) the spine to actually write the romance, unlike ever before, and e) a wonderfully gruesome injury hurt/comfort scene coming up. I'm in love with my story at the moment, that's all that I have to say. Well, that, and this: ♥
THIS is what NaNoWriMo is all about. THIS is the kind of experience that always draws me back to try this insane challenge again, every year, without fail. THIS is the kind of thing that makes me love writing so much, and this is the sort of thing I miss whenever I try to write.
I feel amazing, and I hope everyone else had a great day of writing, too!
Monday, Nov 14, 0:30
Blahhh. I meant to get a lot written yesterday, but in the end, I didn't get anything worth reporting done. I did write a couple hundred words, but in the evening, I got sidetracked into talking with a friend about things that are more important than NaNo, so the writing kind of took a hit. I could have written at the same time we were talking, but I'm in the middle of a light-hearted, humorous scene, while the discussion was anything but light-hearted. Oh well, must have one day with no change in wordcount every year, yeah? I'm a bit disappointed in myself that I didn't hit 40k, but that's what loafing around for the entire day can do to you. xD;;
I wish I could write till I crack that 40k right now, but I need to be somewhere at 9, so no dice. :/ Bah. And I won't get back home until after 8 in the evening. I'm so going to fall asleep in German class tomorrow. -_-;
Also! I need to complain about this somewhere, so here goes. I found this amazing tea blend that I just love -- but it's virtually impossible to get it anywhere in Finland. It's made by an English company... but I had to order more of the stuff from the United States. *facepalm* That makes so much sense. It's going to be a month or so before I can get it here, so no more wonderful tea for me during this NaNo. I am sad. ;_; And with that remark, I think it's time I head to bed. Hope to write more tomorrow... if I don't fall asleep on the keyboard.
Tuesday, Nov 15, 23:45
I hit 50k! Had to write 8,5k words today, but I finally did it! :3
It's not as if it matters all THAT much, seeing as my goal is 77850 words in all, but it's still a load off my chest. I won't be able to write NaNo much later this week and next week because I have an important essay to write for university, but now that I've hit 50k, I feel like I can relax. If it took me 15 days to hit 50k, I now have another 15 days to crack the last 28k. Shouldn't be that hard. :) I don't think I've ever hit 50 000 this early on in the month. :o I'm pretty proud of myself at the moment.
I still don't have a plot, and the characters are being dense jackasses (which Kratos loves pointing out to them), but I don't think I'm going to run out of a story to tell. If I do, I already have some ideas in mind that I could work on instead, but I think I'll just let those simmer until NaNo is over.
I'm happy I now won't have to spend half the night writing, like usual. XD; I have been skipping class a lot lately, but NaNo is just an excuse. I just can't be bothered to drag myself to university for some of the courses. At least I'm spending my time productively, even if it's not in a way my lecturers would prefer!
Sunday, Nov 20, 1:45
I shouldn't be writing NaNo or this journal. I have two exams coming up next week and an important essay to write. So what do I want to do? Write NaNo, of course. One of the exams doesn't matter much to me (although yes, I would very much like to pass, at least), but the other I should actually study for, and the essay... *sigh* there's so much to do before I can turn that in. Why do all the courses have to have their end-of-term tests and assignments right NOW? I'm going to be really... bereft in December at this rate with no NaNo and no classes to keep me busy! Woe.
This is more related to writing in general than NaNo specifically, but I felt so great about it that I thought to immortalize it here because I'm too lazy to update my dA journal. There are precious few people who read (or get to read) my stuff, but usually, when they do, they say that what they just read is "good" or "great". Which is nice to hear, but doesn't mean much to me because I can never trust my friends and/or family to be frank and tell me if whatever I've written isn't very good. It's a different thing to get feedback from people who write stories, themselves, because they can usually give me more detailed feedback and aren't as afraid to say anything "negative". Still, I rarely really believe their praises either. That's not what I'm here to talk about, though.
What really made my day a couple of nights ago was being able to help a friend with her story. She wanted suggestions for a plot point she wasn't entirely satisfied with. I took a couple of minutes to think about it, then gave her some ideas that occurred to me. I thought the original idea had potential and I had no desire to try to push a completely new idea on my friend, so I suggested tweaking the idea a bit. I wasn't at all sure how my suggestions would be received, and I definitely wasn't expecting the response I got. It completely floored me. The words may be simple and seem inconsequential to someone else, but to me... that's the best damn compliment I've got in months.
So what was it that my friend told me? She said, "man, you are a source of wonderful inspiration! how did i not come up with something like that? that makes perfect sense". There's no better reaction I could have asked for. I love writing, and it's nice if others enjoy what I've written, but in the end, it's more important to me that I can be of help to my friends. It's especially gratifying to get feedback like that in regard to my suggestions on how to make the plot more plausible, because the most pervasive reason that makes me stop writing is that I lose faith in the credibility of my plot(s).
It's kind of funny how big an impact a couple of tiny words like that can have. I'm just happy. So thanks for that. :)
Monday, Nov 21, 13:15
Man. Mondays should be illegal. I have so much to do and so many places to be and I wish I could just go to sleep. And wouldn't you know it, all this rush will be gone in December. Methinks university staff hate NaNoWriMo (or the people participating in it, anyway).
I was so tired yesterday that I didn't write more than 1,5k words, and all of it is hilariously bad. I had to read some of the sentences a couple of times to make any sense of what I had meant to say. The plot, insofar as I even have one, did take a tiny step forward, but that's not saying much because I have no idea where I'm going with it.
I don't have enough time to finish my essay as it is, but I still want to write NaNo now. Considering how dead my brain is at the moment due to a chronic lack of sleep, though, I probably shouldn't be trying to wrestle with complementation patterns. At least I have analyzed all the data, so now I just need to find something to say about it and try to make the grammar section read less like Swiss cheese and more like I have at least a clue what I'm talking about. That might be easier if only I had a clue... ._.;
Friday, Nov 25, 10:45
Meh. I'm fatigued. A month is a long time to keep writing everyday, and while I can bounce back from one day of not writing, two consecutive days of not being able to write made it really hard to continue anymore. Yesterday, I managed to write a little bit, after giving myself a stern talking-to... only to run into a peculiar problem.
I don't tend to like original characters in fanfiction. Not my own, not anyone else's. Sometimes OCs are necessary, but that doesn't mean I couldn't dislike them for simply being there. Yesterday, I had some random background characters in a scene. They weren't supposed to be important to the plot at all. I gave the characters names only because I got tired of referring to them as "the woman" or "the other man". Sure, using descriptions like that would give me more words than a single-word name, but I'm not that pressed for words, and using epithets all the time is poor writing. As soon as I gave the woman a name, though, she pretty much jumped up and ran away with my imagination (and the scene). Damn, she's more interesting at this point in the story than the main characters. I guess that says a lot about how "interesting" my plot is at the moment...
In other news, the amazing tea I mentioned on... uh, the 14th? I got it already. ♥ I was surprised it got here so soon because I was so sure the package would get caught in the customs, but apparently tea isn't suspicious enough to warrant a search. So now I have my amazing tea once more to keep me awake. <3
I managed to write the important essay I'd been complaining about. I was amused to notice that the essay is 22 pages (almost 5500 words), when the assignment called for 5-10 page essays. My essay is longer than a Bachelor's thesis needs to be! But that's fine, because it's going to be part of my Master's thesis, which needs to be at least 60 pages long. I'm just happy that I've gotten so much written in so little time. Maybe I'll actually be able to finish my thesis before summer at this pace. Anyway, it's a huge load off my mind to not have to worry about it now. I completely failed an exam I had so I have to retake it, and I have a Latin exam next week. Both exams are on Dec 1. XD; I highly doubt I'm going to be cramming for exams on Nov 30, though, because NaNo is almost over and I have to keep writing till the last minute!
Monday, Nov 28, 1:45
So, it took me a long time to kick myself into writing anything during the weekend. When I finally did, on Sunday, I nearly fell asleep while writing because the scene and the plot were so boring. I went to take a nap and decided to switch stories once I woke up. I'd been thinking about doing that for a while now, but had stubbornly decided to stick with the original story, to see where it might end up going.
I'm glad I finally gave up, though. I wrote 68 000 words of the original story, so I know I could reach any goal I set myself writing just that one story, but that wouldn't serve any purpose. The goal of NaNo isn't, for me at least, to write that 50k or 80k or whatever happens to be the word count that is being aimed for. No. The goal is to get a story going, especially because I can't make myself write for 11 months every year. I'm kind of disappointed that it took me this long to admit that I have no plot and nothing interesting to look forward to in Crossroads. I could stick around for the ride for the whole month, but in the end, I wouldn't have anything I could be proud of to show for my efforts.
Yesterday, I started (re)writing an old, old idea that I've had in my mind, screaming to be written, for years now. It's a short fic, probably would have been something like 2-3k words if I had finished it outside of NaNo, but now it'll probably be around 7k words. Doesn't matter, though, the extra redundancy can always be cut out when editing. I just really need to get the story written. The reason I haven't been able to finish it before is that while it is Tales of Symphonia fanfiction, it focuses on my original characters and not canon ones, so there would be no readership for a fic like that. While I do mainly write for myself, I have had this story in my mind in such a clear form that it would have been pointless to go to the trouble of writing and editing it -- because I wouldn't need to read the story myself anyway and there would be no one else interested in it. It wouldn't be the first time I've forgotten a story I've had all thought out in my mind, though, so there's always been that nagging voice telling me to write it out regardless. I never considered writing the story for NaNo because it is so short (and should stay short), but I think it was a good idea to dig up the idea and work on it now. I wrote most of the major scenes for the fic already, so I should be able to finish it later today. <3
The problem with finishing that short story today, though, is that I want to move on to another unfinished story I've had in mind for a long time. The story I'm working on right now was originally meant to be romance; it turned out to be more gory and action-oriented than I had originally thought, but it's still romance: while there's plenty of violence and death going on in the background, it's still positive and optimistic in spirit. The other story I wish to continue working on, though... it's plain out tragedy. Deathfic. I'm not at all sure I'm emotionally ready to tackle that sort of fic right now, though. I've been feeling fairly good for a long time now, no anxiety attacks or anything, but November is almost over. I'm worried that if I start working on that longish deathfic now, in the last couple of days before NaNo ends again, I won't be able to finish the story in December -- and that if I don't finish the story soon once I've started working on it, it will weigh me down. I'm a bit uneasy, but I want to get that story out of my system, and since I've been doing so well emotionally (aside from stress-induced breakdowns), now would be a good time to get it done. We shall see.
Tuesday, Nov 29, 13:15
Well. I finished the romance story, although I'm not exactly happy about the ending because it comes across as "who cares how many people died, love will make everything better!", which is not what I was going for. I could have added a paragraph about the devastating consequences of the battle the characters were involved in, but that would have derailed the focus of the story (not to mention made it darker in tone). Argh. Well, if I can ever be arsed to edit the story, maybe I'll work on that. That's not something I'm going to be doing in these last few days of NaNo, so that's enough about that.
Once I'd finished the romance story, I decided to work on that deathfic I mentioned in my last update. I had another story in mind about unrequited love, but that would have been even more depressing to write about than death, so I decided to not write that one. The deathfic I chose to work on is an interesting project because it's divided into two parts. The first one is from the dying person's POV, and it's not so much angsty or depressing to write something like that as it's just fascinating. The real problem arose when switching POVs after the dying person had bit the dust at last, because the survivor's mind is... uh... not a pretty place to be. Shock is okay to write about, but beyond that lie deep and murky waters. Plus, the character that bit the dust just foiled the ending I had planned for the survivor's story by explicitly vetoing the sort of thing I was going to write about. ._. I don't think he liked being killed off.
On a lighter note, I burst into laughter when I was checking one dictionary's thesaurus section when looking for synonyms to talk about death. In the section titled "Death and dying", they list all kinds of things relating to death and dying, as one would expect... but I was not quite expecting to see the word necrophilia(c) in that list, among items like "carcass" and "fatality" and such. Thanks for killing the mood, dictionary o' mine. XD
Sunday, Dec 4, 0:45
It's December once more, and NaNoWriMo is over. I finished with a total of 80 920 words. Not bad -- I did reach my goal, although I wish I could have written more. I'm somewhat disappointed that I stalled so long before switching stories, but at the same time, I know I couldn't have worked so intensely on many stories in such rapid succession. I hope that next year, I'll have an interesting idea in advance. Twice now I've written stories during NaNo that don't really have plots, and they make for horrendously boring reading.
The last couple of days of NaNo, during which I worked on two separate stories, were more interesting than the previous two weeks combined. The stories didn't turn out exactly as planned, but that's part of the charm of writing. One of the positive things that writing the main story for most of November did net me two interesting female OCs. I stated above that I don't like OCs, and I stand behind those words, but I need original characters in my stories, so having characters I don't utterly despise is always a plus. Another, more intangible but much more important good thing that this NaNo brought me was mental stability. Anyone who knows how fucked up my mind tends to be probably would think me unhinged for saying that, considering how exhausted I was for the entire month. True, I didn't sleep enough, but there's something that nothing but writing can give me. I feel like I should be glowing with some inner light during NaNo, because the chance and ability to throw out my inner editor and embark on flights of fancy and write literally whatever I want, regardless of quality, is something that doesn't come easy to me these days.
It's going to be months before I can look back on this year's NaNo objectively, I know, but I don't want to preserve the "objective" view of this experience. I want to be able to remember how I really felt in the heat of the moment -- all the frustration and exhaustion, but also all the happiness and excitement it brought me.
It's those feelings, after all, that draw me in to take part in this insane challenge year after year. So, I suppose this is all I have to say for this year. I'll be back next year, mark my words.
Sunday, Oct 30, 23:45
I have the weirdest feeling. I just realized that 24 hours from now, I'll be watching the clock like a hawk, waiting for midnight, and I have this absolutely... exhilarated feeling. Sometimes, I've been feeling really "meh" before NaNo, sometimes I've been really excited, but I can't remember a time when I was dreading the approach of the event and feeling fantastic about it at the same time. It's... kind of like when you go to sit in one of the crazier attractions at a theme park, and the safety bars are locked -- that mix of horrified glee while you wait for the ride to start. That's how I feel. ♪
And it's awesome. NaNoWriMo 2011, here we come!
Tuesday, Nov 1, 21:00
Weeell, I missed the midnight start by a couple of minutes because I was taking a shower after moving furniture all over the place, doing the dishes and clearing out junk I'd been meaning to get rid of for months. It's so nice to do all of that just before NaNo starts, you know. :P Plus I hadn't eaten very well in several days and I had tai chi practice in the evening (on Monday, not today), so I was pretty much dead on my feet come midnight. I spent a couple of hours writing anyway and got 1400 words written. I could've fallen asleep on my keyboard, for all the sense the prose makes, but hey. It's a start.
I wrote some 800 words at university while waiting for my seminar class to start. We went over my essay in class. It's ever so much fun to have your writings dissected by others... :P But it was helpful, and I'm in a pretty good mood. By the way, the teacher and a friend of mine greatly enjoyed the way I started my essay, so I'll share the beginning with you all. This is (seriously!) how my essay on the verb dream started:
Sometimes, I dream of finishing a paper without having to pull an all-nighter to make the deadline. It seems that is not to be: I didn't get to dream much last night, either in sleep or awake, because I was so busy writing!
And who says grammar has to be boring? :3
But back to NaNo. I just got home 30 minutes ago. I should be doing my homework for tomorrow's classes, but I still haven't reached my quota for today, so I'll go remedy that now. Ta!
Wednesday, Nov 2, 0:45
So, I got 3330 words written on the first day, AND while I ended up stopping in the middle of a scene, I'm looking forward to continuing writing later today because while I've had a scene from Yuan's POV and half of one from Botta's, I finally get to introduce the two to each other! *squeals* I'm way too excited about that. XD Unfortunately, I should be getting to sleep right about now. *yawn* Classes tomorrow... and I still have a ton of homework. I wish I could put university on hold for a month!
I ended up getting sidetracked by something a little while before midnight, so now I don't really feel like writing anymore. I mean, I want to write, but I'm too tired to think. Hmm... Just a couple hundred words first, then I'm off to bed... *yawn*
Wednesday, Nov 2, 21:15
Hmm. I can't make myself sit down and type. Write or Die is a lifesaver, that's all I can say. Yesterday, my speed was 780 words/hour. That was without WoD. Today, with the help of WoD? It's more than 2 000 words/hour. So, in theory, it shouldn't take me more than 1,5 hours of writing every day to reach my goal. It's not that straightforward, of course, but still. I don't even know if WoD makes me write any worse than I already did. XD; I tried reading yesterday's output, and sheesh, it really is terrible. But that just amuses me more than anything, so I guess it's cool. I just wish I could get the characters to stop talking (and flirting) so the plot could move forward! ARGH.
*sigh* I'm stalling. I should go continue writing. I hit 5k a little while ago, but I want to have at least 6 500 by midnight, so I still have a ways to go. x_x
Thursday, Nov 3, 0:30
*giggle* I feel thoroughly silly. I don't even know why, maybe it's because I got more written before midnight than I thought I would. :3 Today, I should finally hit 10k. I need that one-day-buffer so that if (/when) I miss a day, that won't make me want to quit immediately.
I have 7k written now. Some people have managed to have four chapters in that number of words. Me? I still haven't wrapped up the third scene, let alone any chapters. o_o;;; Wordpadding: I'm a master at it.
I'm a bit worried, because I had a clear beginning in mind, and then I have some scenes here and there that I've thought of, but I lack all... plot-relevant scenes. o.o I don't know what I'm going to do. Considering how much the characters seem to want to bone each other, this story may end up becoming shorter than I thought it would. XD; Also? I'm terrible at having people move during conversations. It took me almost 5 000 words to realize that Yuan and Botta had been standing less than an arm's length away from each other all that time... and this is the first time they've ever met. Oy vey. ._.;; I'm having fun, but it's not because my story's good or has good humor in it. It's so bad that I can't help laughing. Good grief. XD
Sunday, Nov 6, 12:00
*sigh* Writing has been like pulling teeth the past few days. That's been made that much worse by my not being home (I'm at my mother's for the weekend). There are so many things to distract me! Plus the ride here and the ride home are not conducive to writing because I can't do anything except maybe sleep in a car without feeling sick. I also have a royal headache for having slept in a less-than-ideal bed, and that's made me cranky.
Content-wise, my story has taken a turn for the... uh, non-humor direction. I suppose that's the only way I can describe it. I meant it to be light-hearted and funny. It's now turned out to be drama and heading toward action/adventure. And Botta, despite being a main character, got kind of shafted. O_o; His part was getting a little too unbelievable and complex, so I shoved him aside and brought in Kratos. Now Yuan and Kratos are snarking at each other at every turn. But hey, at least I get to write ridiculously cute kid!Lloyd into the story.
...I wonder what this all will lead to. Yuan has complied with exactly one of my main plot points: he refuses to participate in a ball. My reasons for him to do that were meant to be "I don't want to find a bride among these people!/This is ridiculous, I'm not getting married". His reason for not taking part turned out to be "I don't have time for this, I'm heading to war!" That's right, he decided to start waging war against Yggdrasill despite my attempts to keep him from doing just that. *headdesk*
I'm unimpressed with my prose. The back-and-forth snarkiness between Yuan and Kratos is probably the only part of the story I like so far. I wonder if even that will last.
Monday, Nov 7, 0:30
I hate my story.
I could get something written by switching my POV characters -- originally I only meant to write from Yuan and Botta's views, but I had to write from Kratos' last night because Yuan and Botta are being a pain. I don't know what to do. Last year, I booted Yuan out of my story for a while, and that helped somewhat. Now I threw Botta out into the snow for a day or two, but Yuan is still being a cranky bastard, so I have no clue if that's going to help at all.
That said, I had fun writing about Lloyd and Dirk, but I doubt they're very much in character. Also, my story has decided to become serious drama. The only even partially funny thing in it so far is Kratos being my mouthpiece and chewing Yuan out for being an irresponsible idiot.
I miss those times when I had these absolutely insane ideas and events taking place in my NaNos. For example, in one story, Botta was allergic to ice. In another that spawned a new piece of headcanon for me, Yuan had a fear of creeper plants. So far, there's been nothing interesting in this year's NaNo, the plot won't go anywhere, and I'm pissed at the story. >:/ I hope I'm going to have moments of "brilliance" later on so that this story won't make for such boring reading.
Monday, Nov 7, 20:00
I'm not a social person at the best of times.
Now's nothing but the best of times. I'm so frustrated and exhausted that I'm about to fall apart at the slightest push. Not an anxiety attack type falling apart, just... the sort of exhausted "I can't go on!" tantrum. I had tai chi practice today, and while I can usually cope with not getting the hang of many of the moves for a while, today I had absolutely no patience or mercy for myself. I was about to burst into tears at several points. -_- It's kind of ironic, considering that the move giving me so much trouble is meant to symbolize the cleansing and calming of one's mind in face of life's rush and hardships.
Spending all my time around people without any chance to "recuperate" by myself makes me into a weepy, annoying, irritable person. I like to think I'm at least somewhat tolerable on a normal day. Today, I was anything but. God, I need sleep. And time alone. Unfortunately, I won't have time for that until Wednesday. =_=
I'm not giving up on NaNo. Of course I'm not, I could never think of such a thing, because NaNo always gives me so much, but I still hate the story. I had an idea for where to take the story today and/or tomorrow, but I'll have to see if that pans out. I did write some 800 words earlier today and would have liked to write more but didn't have the time for it. I have a ton of university stuff to do for tomorrow, so I don't know if I even get to write much more tonight. I hope I do. I think that's the only thing that could make me feel not quite so homicidal right now. If nothing else, I can fantasize about having the story printed out and getting to shred it to pieces.
Tuesday, Nov 8, 9:30
Ugh. I should be heading to university right about now, but I'm too tired and lethargic to do more than just sit here. I haven't done the exercises I should have done for a course on data structures. Meh. If I didn't have to be somewhere at 12, I'd go back to sleep and just go to university for my seminar class in the evening, because I am so wiped out. I've calmed down from yesterday -- I don't feel like lambasting all people in my vicinity anymore. Playing games helped tremendously. I didn't really have the time to go playing anything, but my mind definitely needed the break. I'm just tired. I can stay awake by drinking copious amounts of stuff that has caffeine in it, but I just want to sleep. ._. Blah.
I said yesterday that I had an idea as to which direction to take my NaNo. Yes, well, that's still just an idea, because the goddamn characters refuse to do anything that might build up to romance. A scene I meant to set in one character's private quarters now takes place in a completely open and public workshop. *facepalm* If the characters were being difficult to begin with, THAT's certainly not going to convince them to have a heart-to-heart.
I never thought I'd have to say this, but... I can't write Botta. o_o; The way I've characterized him so far is so vague that I have no idea what he is like in this story, which is all kinds of fail. I had Yuan pester him for details about his life yesterday so that I could have an epiphany. So far, no such luck.
On the other hand, I did manage to include one of those totally unexpected, totally random things I was crying after on Sunday. Apparently, Yuan now hates reading Shakespeare. O_o
Wednesday, Nov 9, 20:30
o_o; I... don't know what to say. My brain... kind of ran away from me while I was writing yesterday. What's the problem? The problem is that I've written almost exactly the same kind of scene I was working on during NaNo years ago, and the scene and the idea behind it suck to begin with! Add to that terrible writing and you have the recipe for disaster in your hands. Sigh. "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me." I think I really should be ashamed now. *slinks away*
Thursday, Nov 10, 23:50
Aaa! *squeals* I did it! Wrote 5550 words today and hit 30k in total. :3 Yay! No real plot in sight, but I finally managed to solve a plothole that had been annoying me. Not very well, I admit, but I don't care right now. I'm just happy it's gone. Also, I finally got the characters into a situation that could very well develop into a romantic one... I doubt it will, because Botta is much too afraid that Yuan is trying to kill him, but we'll see where the story ends up going.
Now, I think it's time I went to hit the hay. I'm so tired I'm dizzy and can't see straight. x_x
Saturday, Nov 12, 23:55
HOLY SHIT.
I wrote 5450 words today, and would have written more, but a) I ran out of time, b) my butt already hates me for sitting here so long. I had a blast writing today! Usually, with WoD, I can write a little bit over 500 words in 15 minutes. Today, I could easily hit over 600 words in almost every 15-minute session, because the text was flowing so easily. I'm so happy that I don't even have words to express how I feel right now! On no other day during this November (so far) has it been this easy for me to churn out text.
The story is pretty much nonsense, but I have cheerfully embraced it as the collection of random character snapshots that it seems to be... and at the moment, I seem to have a) a plot, b) characters who obey me, c) romance in the story, d) the spine to actually write the romance, unlike ever before, and e) a wonderfully gruesome injury hurt/comfort scene coming up. I'm in love with my story at the moment, that's all that I have to say. Well, that, and this: ♥
THIS is what NaNoWriMo is all about. THIS is the kind of experience that always draws me back to try this insane challenge again, every year, without fail. THIS is the kind of thing that makes me love writing so much, and this is the sort of thing I miss whenever I try to write.
I feel amazing, and I hope everyone else had a great day of writing, too!
Monday, Nov 14, 0:30
Blahhh. I meant to get a lot written yesterday, but in the end, I didn't get anything worth reporting done. I did write a couple hundred words, but in the evening, I got sidetracked into talking with a friend about things that are more important than NaNo, so the writing kind of took a hit. I could have written at the same time we were talking, but I'm in the middle of a light-hearted, humorous scene, while the discussion was anything but light-hearted. Oh well, must have one day with no change in wordcount every year, yeah? I'm a bit disappointed in myself that I didn't hit 40k, but that's what loafing around for the entire day can do to you. xD;;
I wish I could write till I crack that 40k right now, but I need to be somewhere at 9, so no dice. :/ Bah. And I won't get back home until after 8 in the evening. I'm so going to fall asleep in German class tomorrow. -_-;
Also! I need to complain about this somewhere, so here goes. I found this amazing tea blend that I just love -- but it's virtually impossible to get it anywhere in Finland. It's made by an English company... but I had to order more of the stuff from the United States. *facepalm* That makes so much sense. It's going to be a month or so before I can get it here, so no more wonderful tea for me during this NaNo. I am sad. ;_; And with that remark, I think it's time I head to bed. Hope to write more tomorrow... if I don't fall asleep on the keyboard.
Tuesday, Nov 15, 23:45
I hit 50k! Had to write 8,5k words today, but I finally did it! :3
It's not as if it matters all THAT much, seeing as my goal is 77850 words in all, but it's still a load off my chest. I won't be able to write NaNo much later this week and next week because I have an important essay to write for university, but now that I've hit 50k, I feel like I can relax. If it took me 15 days to hit 50k, I now have another 15 days to crack the last 28k. Shouldn't be that hard. :) I don't think I've ever hit 50 000 this early on in the month. :o I'm pretty proud of myself at the moment.
I still don't have a plot, and the characters are being dense jackasses (which Kratos loves pointing out to them), but I don't think I'm going to run out of a story to tell. If I do, I already have some ideas in mind that I could work on instead, but I think I'll just let those simmer until NaNo is over.
I'm happy I now won't have to spend half the night writing, like usual. XD; I have been skipping class a lot lately, but NaNo is just an excuse. I just can't be bothered to drag myself to university for some of the courses. At least I'm spending my time productively, even if it's not in a way my lecturers would prefer!
Sunday, Nov 20, 1:45
I shouldn't be writing NaNo or this journal. I have two exams coming up next week and an important essay to write. So what do I want to do? Write NaNo, of course. One of the exams doesn't matter much to me (although yes, I would very much like to pass, at least), but the other I should actually study for, and the essay... *sigh* there's so much to do before I can turn that in. Why do all the courses have to have their end-of-term tests and assignments right NOW? I'm going to be really... bereft in December at this rate with no NaNo and no classes to keep me busy! Woe.
This is more related to writing in general than NaNo specifically, but I felt so great about it that I thought to immortalize it here because I'm too lazy to update my dA journal. There are precious few people who read (or get to read) my stuff, but usually, when they do, they say that what they just read is "good" or "great". Which is nice to hear, but doesn't mean much to me because I can never trust my friends and/or family to be frank and tell me if whatever I've written isn't very good. It's a different thing to get feedback from people who write stories, themselves, because they can usually give me more detailed feedback and aren't as afraid to say anything "negative". Still, I rarely really believe their praises either. That's not what I'm here to talk about, though.
What really made my day a couple of nights ago was being able to help a friend with her story. She wanted suggestions for a plot point she wasn't entirely satisfied with. I took a couple of minutes to think about it, then gave her some ideas that occurred to me. I thought the original idea had potential and I had no desire to try to push a completely new idea on my friend, so I suggested tweaking the idea a bit. I wasn't at all sure how my suggestions would be received, and I definitely wasn't expecting the response I got. It completely floored me. The words may be simple and seem inconsequential to someone else, but to me... that's the best damn compliment I've got in months.
So what was it that my friend told me? She said, "man, you are a source of wonderful inspiration! how did i not come up with something like that? that makes perfect sense". There's no better reaction I could have asked for. I love writing, and it's nice if others enjoy what I've written, but in the end, it's more important to me that I can be of help to my friends. It's especially gratifying to get feedback like that in regard to my suggestions on how to make the plot more plausible, because the most pervasive reason that makes me stop writing is that I lose faith in the credibility of my plot(s).
It's kind of funny how big an impact a couple of tiny words like that can have. I'm just happy. So thanks for that. :)
Monday, Nov 21, 13:15
Man. Mondays should be illegal. I have so much to do and so many places to be and I wish I could just go to sleep. And wouldn't you know it, all this rush will be gone in December. Methinks university staff hate NaNoWriMo (or the people participating in it, anyway).
I was so tired yesterday that I didn't write more than 1,5k words, and all of it is hilariously bad. I had to read some of the sentences a couple of times to make any sense of what I had meant to say. The plot, insofar as I even have one, did take a tiny step forward, but that's not saying much because I have no idea where I'm going with it.
I don't have enough time to finish my essay as it is, but I still want to write NaNo now. Considering how dead my brain is at the moment due to a chronic lack of sleep, though, I probably shouldn't be trying to wrestle with complementation patterns. At least I have analyzed all the data, so now I just need to find something to say about it and try to make the grammar section read less like Swiss cheese and more like I have at least a clue what I'm talking about. That might be easier if only I had a clue... ._.;
Friday, Nov 25, 10:45
Meh. I'm fatigued. A month is a long time to keep writing everyday, and while I can bounce back from one day of not writing, two consecutive days of not being able to write made it really hard to continue anymore. Yesterday, I managed to write a little bit, after giving myself a stern talking-to... only to run into a peculiar problem.
I don't tend to like original characters in fanfiction. Not my own, not anyone else's. Sometimes OCs are necessary, but that doesn't mean I couldn't dislike them for simply being there. Yesterday, I had some random background characters in a scene. They weren't supposed to be important to the plot at all. I gave the characters names only because I got tired of referring to them as "the woman" or "the other man". Sure, using descriptions like that would give me more words than a single-word name, but I'm not that pressed for words, and using epithets all the time is poor writing. As soon as I gave the woman a name, though, she pretty much jumped up and ran away with my imagination (and the scene). Damn, she's more interesting at this point in the story than the main characters. I guess that says a lot about how "interesting" my plot is at the moment...
In other news, the amazing tea I mentioned on... uh, the 14th? I got it already. ♥ I was surprised it got here so soon because I was so sure the package would get caught in the customs, but apparently tea isn't suspicious enough to warrant a search. So now I have my amazing tea once more to keep me awake. <3
I managed to write the important essay I'd been complaining about. I was amused to notice that the essay is 22 pages (almost 5500 words), when the assignment called for 5-10 page essays. My essay is longer than a Bachelor's thesis needs to be! But that's fine, because it's going to be part of my Master's thesis, which needs to be at least 60 pages long. I'm just happy that I've gotten so much written in so little time. Maybe I'll actually be able to finish my thesis before summer at this pace. Anyway, it's a huge load off my mind to not have to worry about it now. I completely failed an exam I had so I have to retake it, and I have a Latin exam next week. Both exams are on Dec 1. XD; I highly doubt I'm going to be cramming for exams on Nov 30, though, because NaNo is almost over and I have to keep writing till the last minute!
Monday, Nov 28, 1:45
So, it took me a long time to kick myself into writing anything during the weekend. When I finally did, on Sunday, I nearly fell asleep while writing because the scene and the plot were so boring. I went to take a nap and decided to switch stories once I woke up. I'd been thinking about doing that for a while now, but had stubbornly decided to stick with the original story, to see where it might end up going.
I'm glad I finally gave up, though. I wrote 68 000 words of the original story, so I know I could reach any goal I set myself writing just that one story, but that wouldn't serve any purpose. The goal of NaNo isn't, for me at least, to write that 50k or 80k or whatever happens to be the word count that is being aimed for. No. The goal is to get a story going, especially because I can't make myself write for 11 months every year. I'm kind of disappointed that it took me this long to admit that I have no plot and nothing interesting to look forward to in Crossroads. I could stick around for the ride for the whole month, but in the end, I wouldn't have anything I could be proud of to show for my efforts.
Yesterday, I started (re)writing an old, old idea that I've had in my mind, screaming to be written, for years now. It's a short fic, probably would have been something like 2-3k words if I had finished it outside of NaNo, but now it'll probably be around 7k words. Doesn't matter, though, the extra redundancy can always be cut out when editing. I just really need to get the story written. The reason I haven't been able to finish it before is that while it is Tales of Symphonia fanfiction, it focuses on my original characters and not canon ones, so there would be no readership for a fic like that. While I do mainly write for myself, I have had this story in my mind in such a clear form that it would have been pointless to go to the trouble of writing and editing it -- because I wouldn't need to read the story myself anyway and there would be no one else interested in it. It wouldn't be the first time I've forgotten a story I've had all thought out in my mind, though, so there's always been that nagging voice telling me to write it out regardless. I never considered writing the story for NaNo because it is so short (and should stay short), but I think it was a good idea to dig up the idea and work on it now. I wrote most of the major scenes for the fic already, so I should be able to finish it later today. <3
The problem with finishing that short story today, though, is that I want to move on to another unfinished story I've had in mind for a long time. The story I'm working on right now was originally meant to be romance; it turned out to be more gory and action-oriented than I had originally thought, but it's still romance: while there's plenty of violence and death going on in the background, it's still positive and optimistic in spirit. The other story I wish to continue working on, though... it's plain out tragedy. Deathfic. I'm not at all sure I'm emotionally ready to tackle that sort of fic right now, though. I've been feeling fairly good for a long time now, no anxiety attacks or anything, but November is almost over. I'm worried that if I start working on that longish deathfic now, in the last couple of days before NaNo ends again, I won't be able to finish the story in December -- and that if I don't finish the story soon once I've started working on it, it will weigh me down. I'm a bit uneasy, but I want to get that story out of my system, and since I've been doing so well emotionally (aside from stress-induced breakdowns), now would be a good time to get it done. We shall see.
Tuesday, Nov 29, 13:15
Well. I finished the romance story, although I'm not exactly happy about the ending because it comes across as "who cares how many people died, love will make everything better!", which is not what I was going for. I could have added a paragraph about the devastating consequences of the battle the characters were involved in, but that would have derailed the focus of the story (not to mention made it darker in tone). Argh. Well, if I can ever be arsed to edit the story, maybe I'll work on that. That's not something I'm going to be doing in these last few days of NaNo, so that's enough about that.
Once I'd finished the romance story, I decided to work on that deathfic I mentioned in my last update. I had another story in mind about unrequited love, but that would have been even more depressing to write about than death, so I decided to not write that one. The deathfic I chose to work on is an interesting project because it's divided into two parts. The first one is from the dying person's POV, and it's not so much angsty or depressing to write something like that as it's just fascinating. The real problem arose when switching POVs after the dying person had bit the dust at last, because the survivor's mind is... uh... not a pretty place to be. Shock is okay to write about, but beyond that lie deep and murky waters. Plus, the character that bit the dust just foiled the ending I had planned for the survivor's story by explicitly vetoing the sort of thing I was going to write about. ._. I don't think he liked being killed off.
On a lighter note, I burst into laughter when I was checking one dictionary's thesaurus section when looking for synonyms to talk about death. In the section titled "Death and dying", they list all kinds of things relating to death and dying, as one would expect... but I was not quite expecting to see the word necrophilia(c) in that list, among items like "carcass" and "fatality" and such. Thanks for killing the mood, dictionary o' mine. XD
Sunday, Dec 4, 0:45
It's December once more, and NaNoWriMo is over. I finished with a total of 80 920 words. Not bad -- I did reach my goal, although I wish I could have written more. I'm somewhat disappointed that I stalled so long before switching stories, but at the same time, I know I couldn't have worked so intensely on many stories in such rapid succession. I hope that next year, I'll have an interesting idea in advance. Twice now I've written stories during NaNo that don't really have plots, and they make for horrendously boring reading.
The last couple of days of NaNo, during which I worked on two separate stories, were more interesting than the previous two weeks combined. The stories didn't turn out exactly as planned, but that's part of the charm of writing. One of the positive things that writing the main story for most of November did net me two interesting female OCs. I stated above that I don't like OCs, and I stand behind those words, but I need original characters in my stories, so having characters I don't utterly despise is always a plus. Another, more intangible but much more important good thing that this NaNo brought me was mental stability. Anyone who knows how fucked up my mind tends to be probably would think me unhinged for saying that, considering how exhausted I was for the entire month. True, I didn't sleep enough, but there's something that nothing but writing can give me. I feel like I should be glowing with some inner light during NaNo, because the chance and ability to throw out my inner editor and embark on flights of fancy and write literally whatever I want, regardless of quality, is something that doesn't come easy to me these days.
It's going to be months before I can look back on this year's NaNo objectively, I know, but I don't want to preserve the "objective" view of this experience. I want to be able to remember how I really felt in the heat of the moment -- all the frustration and exhaustion, but also all the happiness and excitement it brought me.
It's those feelings, after all, that draw me in to take part in this insane challenge year after year. So, I suppose this is all I have to say for this year. I'll be back next year, mark my words.