*sigh*
okay...so today I'm doing a little better. Looks like I'm catching a cold. I laughed today though, and I'm gonna share with you my happiness for the day. Thank you Chuck Norris. First a song I'm relating to right now: "I've made mistakes but I'll find my way. No explanation for the things I've failed at before. They can't hold your hand. It just hurts to be a man. Through the tortures of the damned. If I only had an axe I'd sever the ties I've made with the world."-Bayside
Now for the laughs:
30 Facts about Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot
broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia
Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead
decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly
thereafter he grew a beard.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from
cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He
also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and
buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks
and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the
transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the
face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony,
couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They
now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the
JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with
his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer
amazement.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck
could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW
DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her
throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he
bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later
he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that
anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned
beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck
Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris
smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7
different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing
for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck
Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise, "
and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth
from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This
was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was
divided.
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift
of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other
Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their
combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly
after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and
saying "booya".
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by
yelling, "Bang!"
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb
on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris.
His reasoning? It was more "humane".
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips
from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show
clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.
Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours.
If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost
my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.
Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse
every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on
their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck
Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just
so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.
Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him
exact change.
Helen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.
One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that
Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact
tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.
When God said, "Let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say
please."
I hope that made you smile, it made my day.
Now for the laughs:
30 Facts about Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot
broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia
Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead
decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly
thereafter he grew a beard.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from
cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He
also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and
buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks
and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the
transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the
face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony,
couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They
now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the
JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with
his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer
amazement.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck
could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW
DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her
throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he
bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later
he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that
anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned
beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck
Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris
smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7
different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing
for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck
Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise, "
and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth
from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This
was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was
divided.
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift
of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other
Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their
combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly
after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and
saying "booya".
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by
yelling, "Bang!"
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb
on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris.
His reasoning? It was more "humane".
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips
from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show
clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.
Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours.
If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost
my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.
Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse
every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on
their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck
Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just
so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.
Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him
exact change.
Helen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.
One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that
Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact
tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.
When God said, "Let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say
please."
I hope that made you smile, it made my day.