Hee! I just watched that episode of season three where Bray, Lex and Ebony see a puppet show slagging them off and they get all cranky and hijack it and stage their own version and it was so marvellous, I just had to recap it all here in it's cracktastic beauty:
A Chosenmobile speeds along a leafy by-road as Lex, Bray and Ebony watch from the undergrowth. It slows as it approaches what has to be the world’s least-convincing scarecrow. Seriously, it’s one of the blue Chosen robes stuffed with branches and leaves and things, only some idiot (and what do you want to bet they put Lex on scarecrow-making duty?) has left the hood pushed really far back so you can totally see all the greenery where the face should be. If you guys are going to be this dumb about it, you don’t deserve to be free.
Fortunately the Chosen are apparently as stupid as our Intrepid Trio, as they pull to a stop and get out of the car. Now, I’m not part of an evil religious cult trying to conquer a city, but if I was, not getting out of my vehicle to investigate what is obviously a trap would be high on my list of Ways to Avoid Being Captured by the Enemy. Anyway, the Trio plus some Ecorandoms leap out of the bushes and scare the Chosen away by yelling “ARGH!” really loudly and running around a bit. Zoot would be so proud.
Back at Malcatraz, Taisan tries to get her meditation on but Alice interrupts her, wanting to know the dirty details of what she and Big G got up to the night before. Taisan gets all screechy with her - presumably preparing for the role of Supreme Mother by imitating Trudy - but then apologizes. She asks Alice to give her more time before she spills the juicy gossip.
Andy and Tally play with a rigged roulette wheel. Obnoxious Ned tells them to fetch water for his washday. Urgh. They try to get him to bet on the roulette wheel, but it’s done in such an obvious “this-is-rigged” kind of way, even repulsive Ned figures out it’s a con. They refuse to help and leave anyway.
Back at the scene of the rebels’ latest daring and hard-won victory, Lex throws rocks in the direction of the departing Bluecoats. I bet he was always the guy who threw the first bottle in a riot, too. He comments that fighting the Chosen is like fighting a bunch of kids. Bray, never one to miss an opportunity to underscore how much the entire world sucks, mopes that they are kids; “we all are.” Bray never even got invited to the riots, did he? Also, whatever Dwayne Cameron, like you’re not in your twenties at this point. No teenage boy has that level of chest hair unless he’s the star of Teen Wolf.
Lex says he feels like Robin Hood, then makes some lame joke about it not being worth stealing from poor people which I missed because I was busy thinking about Caleb Ross in green tights and a little feather cap. I mention this to Brother Johnny who laughs and says that Bray would be Maid Marion. I was headed for a “Will Scarlet” place myself, but his is both funnier and more disturbing, so we’ll go with that.
Ebony whips the tarp off the back of the truck, discovering that it’s full of pregnant ladies. That’s got to be disappointing. I bet she was hoping for bootleg CDs, or at least some strapping farmboys. Poor Ebony.
Big G files his nails as Luke bitches and whines about the Intrepid Trio stealing their truckload of pregnant ladies. Which, really Luke? “Run, run, the rebels have got an army of knocked-up harlots! Hide the ice-cream and pickles! They’ll really have the upper hand now!” Big G’s like, “deal with it,” and Luke’s about to sulk out of the office when Big G drops a Taisan-shaped bomb on his head. Luke’s all, “Buh?” and Big G goes off on one about how “Zoot has shown her to me!” I’m assuming that when he says “shown her to me,” he means Zoot slipped him a bunch of pictures of Taisan in the shower or doing naked meditation or something. Big G continues to shriek that Luke does not “see as I see,” which is probably true as Luke is not a giant pervy stalker, and tells him about “images that form in my mind” and are “building towards something immense, something clear!”Oh slap yourself, Big G. Luke is both silent and incredibly uncomfortable.
Pride practices Tai Chi while Taisan tries out the old “bird fighting a snake” come-on. Pride totally digs it. They grope each other and flirt in martial arts-related metaphors for a bit.
Back at the Truck o’ Pregnancy, Ebony insists they don’t have time to look after a bunch of pregnant kids, while Bray wants to keep them. Bray, did you ever think you might lead a more hassle-free existence if you didn’t add every tart that follows you home to your little harem? Lex shows off a poster he’s found in the back of the truck, which since he can’t read is clearly going to be a plot point.
Sure enough, one of the women - I’ll call her Exposition Girl - explains that it’s an advert for a Chosenalicious Propaganda Puppet Show. Man, we should totally have puppet propaganda in this world. She knows our Intrepid Trio by name because, wait for it... they are in the show! Lex is totally excited and insists they go see it. I bet he’s an epic heckler.
KC finds Tally messing with the lock on the door to the Chosen’s food stores, and offers to be her sugar daddy. Um, ew?
Disgusting Ned walks into the cafe and proceeds to put everyone off their meals by talking while chewing something. He spots Pride and May getting cosy (and really Pride, I know rebound is tough but seriously?) and gets in their faces about it. May haughtily reminds Ned that he’s a slave and can make him disappear “just like that.” Oh please oh please oh please! Ned tells Pride to fetch him some water, and Pride does.
The newly liberated Chosenmobile, now carrying the Trio, some Ecorandoms and the pregnant ladies, zooms along the road. Lex is impressing Exposition Girl with tales of his derring-do while Ebony and Bray make mocky-faces at him and each other. Exposition Girl explains that Big G et al are rounding up all the pregnant women in order to make their unborn children into the “new generation of Zoot.” Lex, who at some point apparently stopped bragging long enough to get Exposition Girl’s entire life story, is shocked that her husband, a tribe leader, would have allowed this. Exposition Girl lamely offers that “in his own way,” her spineless loser of a husband was trying to keep his people safe, but Lex isn’t buying it any more than I am.
I think they’re trying to draw a comparison here between what Taisan is doing and what Exposition Girl’s husband has done, but they’re totally not the same thing. Taisan isn’t giving up someone she loves to the Chosen - she’s sacrificing herself, not another person - and Lex isn’t being a coward because he’s letting her do it; he doesn’t know. Exposition Girl’s situation is more like Salene’s, only instead of being married to awesome Ryan, she’s married to some skeezy wuss who knocks her up and uses her as a bargaining chip.
KC explains to Tally that he wants to use her as a middleman in order to trade inside the mall. He offers her five percent of the takings, but she gets him up to ten “as long as you keep my name out of it.”
Ellie is playing piano (badly) and singing (only marginally less badly) when Luke interrupts her by having a tizzy about Taisan becoming the new Supreme Mother. Ellie’s like, “WHAT!” and Luke’s all, “WAH WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME?!” Urgh. They have a bit of an ideological debate, which is a thin cover for the fact that Ellie is a treacherous whore who is about to betray Jack for him, then Luke says that he’s not interested in power. He joined the Chosen because he saw “a world lost and confused and I just wanted to make it better.” Um. Okay. So he doesn’t want power, and it doesn’t sound like he’s that jazzed about chaos, either. Man, is he ever in the wrong insane religious cult. I’m suprised Zoot doesn’t serve him a lightning-bolt-shaped sandwich of fiery death right there as reward for his blasphemy. That would be awesome. Instead, what happens is that Luke begs Ellie to have Taisan refuse the role of Supreme Mother, and leaves.
Ebony, Lex and Bray take in a puppet show. Ebony is so pissed off about being there, it’s awesome. Bray has epic concentration-face on - I suppose the last time he had the chance to watch a puppet show, he was busy pouting about Amber, so now he’s making up for lost time. You can’t see Lex, so I’m going to assume he’s off somewhere gathering refuse to throw at the performers. No wait, there he is - some random is sat right in front of him and blocking him from the camera. Nice use of extras, guys. The Ecorandoms aren’t anywhere to be seen - maybe Amber has forbidden them to witness acts of puppetry after the whole Sasha debacle.
Puppet Trudy and Puppet G lay Puppet Wonderchild in a manger. Puppet G says he will sleep outside the door to protect the Wonderchild. And presumably spy on Puppet Trudy like the great big deviant he is. The narrator dude explains that Puppet G didn’t realise that Puppet Trudy was really “a vile witch who planned on destroying the Chosen.” I really like the dichotomy there; in Big G’s mind, Trudy - and by extension, all women - are either the Supreme Mother or a “vile witch”. If Trudy follows the rules, she is chaste and pure and exists as a vessel to bring the Child of Zoot into the world - an instrument with no mind of its own, to be subservient to Zoot's will. If she rebels, she’s a twisted monster who slays her own offspring and brings destruction to the world of men. There’s no in-between for her, and how she is characterised is based solely on whether she submits to the will of the Guardian or not. Glad to see the notion that we’re all either Madonnas or whores has survived the Apocalypse.
Anyway, Puppet Trudy is all, “You can come out now, my rebel friends!” which is the cue for Puppets Bray, Lex and Ebony to emerge. Puppet Ebony, by the way, is awesome, right down to flashing her pert puppet bosoms at the other puppets and the audience. Puppet Bray is “despicable,” which seems a bit harsh, but it’s hard to argue with monikers like “Lex the Unmerciful” and “the Evil-Eyed Ebony.” The puppets confer evilly around the Wonderchild's crib. We don’t get to see the climax as a bunch of Chosen guards try to sneak into the performance late and Exposition Girl takes umbrage. She starts yelling “Fire! Fire!” and because everyone in the new world is a dumbass, the audience starts running around and yelling and screaming despite the complete lack of smoke or flame or smell of burning. Assholes.
May mixes milk for Brady while Pride rubs up against her under the guise of asking her to get a message to the rebels. He explains that the message is in his pants, and Ebony will know what it means. No, he doesn’t really say that last bit. Horrible Ned appears, still golluming away on that fucking chewing gum, oh God learn some manners dude, and threatens to report them as spies unless Pride fetches a comic from his room. Shove him off the balcony, Pride! Ellie comes in and is all, “Alice Alice have you seen Taisan” in what is a remarkably awful bit of acting even by the Tribe’s lax standards.
The Intrepid Trio are back with the Ecorandoms in the bushes, waiting for the puppet troupe to come around the bend. They appear, and there’s like a dozen of them. How many people do you possibly need to work a puppet show? Lex is all, “I can’t wait to get my hands on them,” and Bray is like, “I thought their characterisation of you was rather good.” Heh. Lex says it would be nice to tell the “right” story for a change, and Bray agrees. It’s interesting how neither of them mention telling the truth at any point, which makes me think that Bray is finally getting a handle on how politics work. They step into the road in front of the troupe.
Back at Malcatraz, Alice thinks being the new Supreme Mother is an awesome plan while Ellie doubts Taisan’s ability to resist their creepy culty mindwashing powers. I’m not getting down on Taisan here, because she’s definitely one of the most well-adjusted Mallrats and therefore in the strongest position to be able to withstand the Chosen’s influence, but if she takes on the mantle of Supreme Mother she’ll essentially be isolated with Big G and his buckets-o-crazy for long periods of time. Ellie tells Taisan not to do it and strops off. Alice apologises and says she doesn’t know what’s gotten into her - at which point I bite my tongue to stop the snarkery that wants to emerge - but Taisan agrees that becoming the Supreme Mother is dangerous.
Bray, Lex and Ebony prepare to stage their own version of the Wonderchild. Lex frets about not being able to remember his lines as Bray and Ebony fiddle with their puppets. And just so you know, I did try to rephrase that so it didn’t sound like a dirty euphemism, but everything I came up with sounded worse. Bray tells Lex that he’ll be fine, but he’s wearing the Big G handpuppet and doing that thing where, when you talk to someone, you make the puppet lean over their shoulder and look at them and nod in agreement with you, so the whole thing is a bit disconcerting. Ebony has a Puppet Exposition Girl, which confuses me - was there a puppet who just happened to look exactly like her, or was she a part of the play we didn’t get to see because the Bluecoats interrupted, or have the Trio just spent hours putting together a Puppet Exposition Girl because, well, they’re idiots?
Tally and Andy are totting up the days earnings when KC walks in. Tally tells him all the stuff was confiscated, and they nearly get away with it until Andy ruins it all by gloating before KC is out of earshot. KC’s actually kind of impressed that they outscammed him, and they agree to go into business together.
Lex, wearing an entirely ridiculous red feathery mask thing, goes out on stage. He introduces Big G as “a really horrible man” whose heart was “so ugly, the stink of it came out through his armpits and twisted his limbs!” Behind him in the puppet booth, Puppet G does an incredibly camp “Ta-da!” gesture. Lex explains how Big G “stunk of mouldy cheese,” which I find hilarious because I have the mental capacity of a five year old. Puppet Bray tells Puppet G that “You are one stinky guy, man!” Puppet Ebony chimes in with “You will never get a date with breath like that, babe!” Even when you’re fighting for your whole way of life, there is totally time for childish insults about the enemy.
Taisan angsts in her room before jumping to her feet in a way that semaphores “I HAVE MADE A DECISION!” to the audience. Subtle, Michelle Ang.
Back on stage, Puppet Exposition Girl tends the Puppet Fields, a little Puppet Baby in her arms. I’m not entirely sure how much use someone with no free hands would be when it comes to fieldwork, but I’m not a farmer or a puppet, so what do I know? A couple of Puppet Chosen grab her and Puppet G forces her to drink a “magic potion” that “makes her mind go to sleep.” Puppet G reveals his plan to “hide our lies behind this girl’s beauty” and then Bray does a brilliantly over-the-top evil laugh. Exeunt Puppet G.
Lex reveals how Puppet G “lies his way to power over the people, and soon, darkness clouds the land.” The puppet theatre has this circular backdrop thing where you spin it and the picture revolves from a daytime scene to a night-time scene, but somebody forgot to turn it. Amateurs! Sasha wouldn’t have forgotten. Lex introduces the Puppet Trio as “Bray the Braveheart,” “Ebony the Fearless” and “Lex the Invincible.” I suppose it’s better than “Second Guesses Himself To The Point Where He’s Paralyzed With Indecision And Then Blames Whoever Takes Over for Not Listening To Him Bray,” “Sell You Out As Soon As It Suits Her Ebony” and “Oh Shit Somebody Hide The Whiskey Lex.” The puppets confer and then puppet-walk off-stage.
Taisan speaks to a guard outside Big G’s suite.
The Puppet Trio “battle” the Puppet Chosen, meaning Puppet G and two Puppet Bluecoats, accompanied by the kind of voice-acting you associate with - and for the record, I tried not to make this a cheap shot about Dwayne Cameron, but if he’s not going to help me out by working topless, I’m not going to help him out by pretending he can act - the dubbed-over fight scenes in Power Rangers.
Of course, Lex is narrating, so when the Puppet Trio win, Puppet Lex macks on Puppet Exposition Girl for a bit. There’s this long drawn-out kissy sound and I'm sorry, but I doubt Ebony is the one making it behind the scenes. Puppet Exposition Girl gives us one last bit of exposition as she explains that “there will be no more Supreme Mother or Divine child; all they ever symbolised were lies.” The audience claps and cheers like the entertainment-starved hillbillies they are. Glitter explodes over the stage (thank you Bray) and little puppet butterflies on sticks flutter happily.
Taisan walks into Big G’s office and accepts the role of Supreme Mother. Oh, shitfuck.