re: a whole mess.
no photo-cover for this issue yet. enjoy!
spoke with my advisor from school yesterday. turns out there's not so much available in the way of paid employment for udergrads. he suggested i look into a work study program, which is awarded through the financial aid office. he also gave me a few names of people to contact in subdepartments if i want to look for volunteer opportunities.
so i look up the financial aid page online to check on work study programs. the page tells me i need to answer a certain question on the FAFSA form 'yes'. i call the financial aid office to find out how i can check if i have the correct answer on my form, and am told that i do not in fact have FAFSA on file for the upcoming year. hoookay... not good.
i called my dad and he got the form submitted for me. (he's done this before for me, as it requires a lot of tax information about my parents.) hopefully it will be processed in time for school, but i'm a bit concerned about my financial aid. a good portion of it is federal scholarships/grants, and if it's based off the FAFSA each year, i might not get it this time. i won't know for a few more weeks whether or not it's coming through. hrm.
when i called the financial aid office to ask about work study programs, i was informed that the majority of the money has already been awarded for the term. i was told to put my name on a waiting list for work study, that way in case someone doesn't claim their award, i might have a chance of receiving it.
basically, this means if i want to actually quit my job in the end of august, i need to find somewhere else to go. i was really hoping that the anthropology job would work out, for obvious reasons. now i'm not sure where to go.
to be honest, i'm kind of worried that my appearance will have an effect on where i can get hired- unless i want to work at hot topic or something like that. i'm afraid i might have to get rid of my dreads or piercings to find a job, and while it's childish and selfish to a degree, i really don't want to do that unless i have no other choice.
ideally, i would like to get hired on at a funeral home, or somewhere that would allow me to acclimate to working with bodies. i can't be a server, and i refuse to work in fast food. (those are two jobs i don't think i could handle because of my refusal to allow customers to treat employees like shit.) i could apply for a job in the mall or go back to working at buckle, but i don't want to work a job where i'm on commission. with the economy going as it is, i don't like the idea of my pay being entirely dependent on other people spending money.
given that, as of right now, i may actually be in some serious financial shit within the month, i'm wondering if i should try and change jobs at all. but then i remember that hey, my job sucks. i have serious issues with one of my coworkers. his name is stephen, and he's been working with me for about five months now. he was pretty cool in the beginning, but the last month or two he's just been more of a pain in the ass. he's rather volatile emotionally, and seems to value his relationship with his girlfriend more than anything. coincidentally, his relationship with his girlfriend pretty much completely determines his mood and how he behaves while at work. he's prone to getting pissed for little to no reason, and while i enjoy him when he's in a good mood, he's horrible to work with when he's mad.
our most recent conflict with each other had to be settled by our boss. he apparently feels i don't respect him enough, which makes him mad because he defends me when people complain to him about me. uh... what? i didn't realize that stephen was my saving grace in me keeping my job. funny, i've managed to hold down my job for two years without his help or his defending me... huh.
stephen is also being trained as a manager for the store. in principle, this doesn't bother me. aleisha, one of my other coworkers, thinks i should be pissed or offended that i wasn't offered the position. personally, i don't care- i don't want the headache that comes with being a manager, and i know todd didn't offer me the job because i'm in school. i can't work full-time during the school year; i've tried it and it's definitely bad. my problem with stephen being trained as a manager is that he's somehow gotten it into his head that since he'll eventually be "over" us, he can go ahead and treat us like we're subservient. basically, this means he tacitly avoids doing anything he doesn't want to do, and leaves us to handle it. this, more than his eventual position, bothers me to no end. as the longest-employed person at both our stores, it's pretty shitty to have the most recently-employed person try and make me do grunt work.
(i'm going to stop writing about this particular problem because i could do it for another hour or so.)
todd hired two of stephen's scene-kid friends as part-time help, starting soon. i know one of them is 16, don't know about the other. once those two start, it's going to be hell. thing is, we've had a stack of applications under the counter for quite a while, and todd's never called anyone or scheduled an interview. he hired both of these girls after interviewing them both on the same day, and the only reason he bothered to interview them is because stephen gave todd their applications and told him he should hire them.
my job sucks.
here's everything that's weighing on my mind, aside from/including the above:
i might not have enough money for school.
i won't know this until it's pretty much too late.
if i don't have money for school, my schedule gets cancelled.
i need a better job, so i can pay rent.
i'm due to sign a year-long lease by month's end.
if i sign the lease, i'm obligated to pay.
if i can't go to school, i have no reason to stay here.
there was a 'final notice' letter from a credit card company on the coffee table, addressed to my roommmate.
my roommate also failed to pay our cable bill on time.
if i don't find a good job soon, i won't be able to keep the apartment.
i don't even know if it's a rational idea for me to live here anymore because not only is my roommate messy and lazy and refuses to clean or take responsibility for anything in the apartment, she also has money problems.
i don't have anywhere else to live here.
rawr.
here's a text message i sent to j last night:
"i've found a reassuring sense of time- i realized that my dreads are long enough now that i can see them draped across the arm of the couch out of the corner of my eye.. and oddly enough, they make me think 'this too shall pass'."
i've been pretty stressed here lately with all that's going on-- come august, i could be out of a job, out of an apartment, and out of school. i've done everything right that i could possibly do, done everything that i was 'supposed' to do in order to be independent and successful, and yet it's still all fucked up. but last night i was just hanging out with some friends, smoking a bowl and commiserating with each other about life nonsense, when i realized that i could see my dreads out of the corner of my eye. which means they've grown a lot more than i was aware of, while i was busy getting on with life. i sat there thinking about my dreads, and realized that while i originally started them as a way of making my outside represent my inside, they've become my timekeeper. through my dreads, i've found a way to understand my relation to time, and to appreciate how i can endure.
there's been a lot of shit i've gone through in the last (almost!) three years, and i've managed to handle so much more than i would have ever imagined. it's been hard, and i know it's only going to get harder, but it's making me who i am. j told me the other night that he didn't have any answers, but in six months this would all be taken care of. i didn't understand what he was getting at at first, but it's making more sense- even though right now things look really shitty, time will keep on progressing and everything will resolve itself one way or another. it's very much like my dreads- they had a rough start, and although i've tried to affect their development in ways i thought were helpful, it's been time that's had the best and most worthwhile effects.
i find myself playing with my dreads more often these days- but not even so much playing as just touching them. i don't look at my dreads so much anymore; rather, i experience their vitality and health through how they feel in my hands. they've become thick and tight and knotted all of their own accord-- i realized the other day i couldn't remember the last time i did any serious maintenence or even root-rubbing. i haven't palm-rolled in over a year. they've been going through a shrinking phase it seems, as some of the ones with looser sections have tightened up and are now bumpy from uneven shrinking. dreads that were more solid/better back-combed initially are now smooth and dense. i have some rounded tips, and some wispy ends. i have five baby dreads that have all taken hold and are progessing through the young stages; i have two skinny dreadlocks from where sections of my hair have dreaded themselves completely without my help. there's so much going on with my dreads, so much improvement and development that it's hard to look at them and remember the scruffy mess of shoddily-formed dreads they used to be.. and so it is with my life. even though i can't predict now how it'll end up, or even where it is progressing right now, i can have at least a little faith it's doing what it's supposed to be doing, and that the end result is well worth the wait.
i love everything about my dreads and the journey we've been on. i can't wait to see what comes next.
spoke with my advisor from school yesterday. turns out there's not so much available in the way of paid employment for udergrads. he suggested i look into a work study program, which is awarded through the financial aid office. he also gave me a few names of people to contact in subdepartments if i want to look for volunteer opportunities.
so i look up the financial aid page online to check on work study programs. the page tells me i need to answer a certain question on the FAFSA form 'yes'. i call the financial aid office to find out how i can check if i have the correct answer on my form, and am told that i do not in fact have FAFSA on file for the upcoming year. hoookay... not good.
i called my dad and he got the form submitted for me. (he's done this before for me, as it requires a lot of tax information about my parents.) hopefully it will be processed in time for school, but i'm a bit concerned about my financial aid. a good portion of it is federal scholarships/grants, and if it's based off the FAFSA each year, i might not get it this time. i won't know for a few more weeks whether or not it's coming through. hrm.
when i called the financial aid office to ask about work study programs, i was informed that the majority of the money has already been awarded for the term. i was told to put my name on a waiting list for work study, that way in case someone doesn't claim their award, i might have a chance of receiving it.
basically, this means if i want to actually quit my job in the end of august, i need to find somewhere else to go. i was really hoping that the anthropology job would work out, for obvious reasons. now i'm not sure where to go.
to be honest, i'm kind of worried that my appearance will have an effect on where i can get hired- unless i want to work at hot topic or something like that. i'm afraid i might have to get rid of my dreads or piercings to find a job, and while it's childish and selfish to a degree, i really don't want to do that unless i have no other choice.
ideally, i would like to get hired on at a funeral home, or somewhere that would allow me to acclimate to working with bodies. i can't be a server, and i refuse to work in fast food. (those are two jobs i don't think i could handle because of my refusal to allow customers to treat employees like shit.) i could apply for a job in the mall or go back to working at buckle, but i don't want to work a job where i'm on commission. with the economy going as it is, i don't like the idea of my pay being entirely dependent on other people spending money.
given that, as of right now, i may actually be in some serious financial shit within the month, i'm wondering if i should try and change jobs at all. but then i remember that hey, my job sucks. i have serious issues with one of my coworkers. his name is stephen, and he's been working with me for about five months now. he was pretty cool in the beginning, but the last month or two he's just been more of a pain in the ass. he's rather volatile emotionally, and seems to value his relationship with his girlfriend more than anything. coincidentally, his relationship with his girlfriend pretty much completely determines his mood and how he behaves while at work. he's prone to getting pissed for little to no reason, and while i enjoy him when he's in a good mood, he's horrible to work with when he's mad.
our most recent conflict with each other had to be settled by our boss. he apparently feels i don't respect him enough, which makes him mad because he defends me when people complain to him about me. uh... what? i didn't realize that stephen was my saving grace in me keeping my job. funny, i've managed to hold down my job for two years without his help or his defending me... huh.
stephen is also being trained as a manager for the store. in principle, this doesn't bother me. aleisha, one of my other coworkers, thinks i should be pissed or offended that i wasn't offered the position. personally, i don't care- i don't want the headache that comes with being a manager, and i know todd didn't offer me the job because i'm in school. i can't work full-time during the school year; i've tried it and it's definitely bad. my problem with stephen being trained as a manager is that he's somehow gotten it into his head that since he'll eventually be "over" us, he can go ahead and treat us like we're subservient. basically, this means he tacitly avoids doing anything he doesn't want to do, and leaves us to handle it. this, more than his eventual position, bothers me to no end. as the longest-employed person at both our stores, it's pretty shitty to have the most recently-employed person try and make me do grunt work.
(i'm going to stop writing about this particular problem because i could do it for another hour or so.)
todd hired two of stephen's scene-kid friends as part-time help, starting soon. i know one of them is 16, don't know about the other. once those two start, it's going to be hell. thing is, we've had a stack of applications under the counter for quite a while, and todd's never called anyone or scheduled an interview. he hired both of these girls after interviewing them both on the same day, and the only reason he bothered to interview them is because stephen gave todd their applications and told him he should hire them.
my job sucks.
here's everything that's weighing on my mind, aside from/including the above:
i might not have enough money for school.
i won't know this until it's pretty much too late.
if i don't have money for school, my schedule gets cancelled.
i need a better job, so i can pay rent.
i'm due to sign a year-long lease by month's end.
if i sign the lease, i'm obligated to pay.
if i can't go to school, i have no reason to stay here.
there was a 'final notice' letter from a credit card company on the coffee table, addressed to my roommmate.
my roommate also failed to pay our cable bill on time.
if i don't find a good job soon, i won't be able to keep the apartment.
i don't even know if it's a rational idea for me to live here anymore because not only is my roommate messy and lazy and refuses to clean or take responsibility for anything in the apartment, she also has money problems.
i don't have anywhere else to live here.
rawr.
here's a text message i sent to j last night:
"i've found a reassuring sense of time- i realized that my dreads are long enough now that i can see them draped across the arm of the couch out of the corner of my eye.. and oddly enough, they make me think 'this too shall pass'."
i've been pretty stressed here lately with all that's going on-- come august, i could be out of a job, out of an apartment, and out of school. i've done everything right that i could possibly do, done everything that i was 'supposed' to do in order to be independent and successful, and yet it's still all fucked up. but last night i was just hanging out with some friends, smoking a bowl and commiserating with each other about life nonsense, when i realized that i could see my dreads out of the corner of my eye. which means they've grown a lot more than i was aware of, while i was busy getting on with life. i sat there thinking about my dreads, and realized that while i originally started them as a way of making my outside represent my inside, they've become my timekeeper. through my dreads, i've found a way to understand my relation to time, and to appreciate how i can endure.
there's been a lot of shit i've gone through in the last (almost!) three years, and i've managed to handle so much more than i would have ever imagined. it's been hard, and i know it's only going to get harder, but it's making me who i am. j told me the other night that he didn't have any answers, but in six months this would all be taken care of. i didn't understand what he was getting at at first, but it's making more sense- even though right now things look really shitty, time will keep on progressing and everything will resolve itself one way or another. it's very much like my dreads- they had a rough start, and although i've tried to affect their development in ways i thought were helpful, it's been time that's had the best and most worthwhile effects.
i find myself playing with my dreads more often these days- but not even so much playing as just touching them. i don't look at my dreads so much anymore; rather, i experience their vitality and health through how they feel in my hands. they've become thick and tight and knotted all of their own accord-- i realized the other day i couldn't remember the last time i did any serious maintenence or even root-rubbing. i haven't palm-rolled in over a year. they've been going through a shrinking phase it seems, as some of the ones with looser sections have tightened up and are now bumpy from uneven shrinking. dreads that were more solid/better back-combed initially are now smooth and dense. i have some rounded tips, and some wispy ends. i have five baby dreads that have all taken hold and are progessing through the young stages; i have two skinny dreadlocks from where sections of my hair have dreaded themselves completely without my help. there's so much going on with my dreads, so much improvement and development that it's hard to look at them and remember the scruffy mess of shoddily-formed dreads they used to be.. and so it is with my life. even though i can't predict now how it'll end up, or even where it is progressing right now, i can have at least a little faith it's doing what it's supposed to be doing, and that the end result is well worth the wait.
i love everything about my dreads and the journey we've been on. i can't wait to see what comes next.