socially inept
I know I already posted today, but I really need to vent.
So this past weekend I met this guy at the retreat and we hungout for a couple of hours. We went to the same classes and he always made sure I sat by him. I thought he liked me. Then I told him he didn't have to feel obligated to hangout with me. He is the southern gentleman type apparently. Anyway, so we got separated and I didn't see him until the Hoedown. There he danced with these two girls the whole time and pretty much ignored me. I didn't mind though. I got the picture.
So the last morning I was running late for breakfast and had to sit somewhere fast and it just so happened to be at his table. Literally, split down the middle was on one side all these macho Air Force guy types, and on the other was these prissy girly girls. I was in the middle. He didn't really talk to me until everybody got up to leave. All the guys were high-fiving each other and such. It was disgusting. So everyone was leaving and I was still eating since I had been late and the gentleman in him felt compelled to wait on me so I didn't have to eat by myself. I told him I didn't care, but he refused to leave me. So afterwards we walked to the chapel and the girls from the hoedown grabbed and he went off with them. I realized what was going on...but at the same time I was confused. Why was he hanging out with me? He was obviously not looking for anything so why was he hanging out with me?
So tonight I saw him again and he invited me out to eat with a bunch of people. He acted like he really wanted me to go. So I said yes. I met him there and there was a TON of people there. He made all of these people move so I could squeeze next to him. Well then the girls from the Hoedown showed up. one girl was Japanese and was dressed extravagantly. The other girl was plain but fed off of the other girl's persona. The Japanese girl was wearing this gaudy jewelery and talking of her fashion show tomorrow that she lost three pounds in one week for. This guy was so into them. He barely spoke to me and I didn't know anyone else there. These girls were so self absorbed it made me sick. All they did was talk of themselves and I was really wondering what I was doing there.
So he paid for mine, the Hoedown girls, and two other girls' meals. I felt cheap, confused, and appreciative all at the same time. He's not a jerk. He has astounding manners. He did try to make conversation, but I just wasn't funny. I didn't have any great stories or any friends there for a comfort zone.
I just realize that I could flaunt my beauty and wear it like a crown on my head, but I would rather someone see for themselves, not because i put it out there for all to see. I know he thinks I am beautiful. He complimented me when the situation arose, but it just seemed like he was surrounding himself with these girls for some...I don't know. He is a nice guy. I just feel so ugly. I felt like I did not shine. And I know, there are some days you do and some days you don't, but I keep thinking, So what? Why do I care? I just think that no matter who it is I would feel like that.
To not be on an equal playing field with these girls because I wasn't dressed like I was going to a club and wearing huge fake diamonds on my fingers is just not fair. I have so much more to offer than them. If a guy ends up with her he will spend eternity with her talking about herself.
UUUUGGGGHHHHH Screw men, i mean boys.
So this past weekend I met this guy at the retreat and we hungout for a couple of hours. We went to the same classes and he always made sure I sat by him. I thought he liked me. Then I told him he didn't have to feel obligated to hangout with me. He is the southern gentleman type apparently. Anyway, so we got separated and I didn't see him until the Hoedown. There he danced with these two girls the whole time and pretty much ignored me. I didn't mind though. I got the picture.
So the last morning I was running late for breakfast and had to sit somewhere fast and it just so happened to be at his table. Literally, split down the middle was on one side all these macho Air Force guy types, and on the other was these prissy girly girls. I was in the middle. He didn't really talk to me until everybody got up to leave. All the guys were high-fiving each other and such. It was disgusting. So everyone was leaving and I was still eating since I had been late and the gentleman in him felt compelled to wait on me so I didn't have to eat by myself. I told him I didn't care, but he refused to leave me. So afterwards we walked to the chapel and the girls from the hoedown grabbed and he went off with them. I realized what was going on...but at the same time I was confused. Why was he hanging out with me? He was obviously not looking for anything so why was he hanging out with me?
So tonight I saw him again and he invited me out to eat with a bunch of people. He acted like he really wanted me to go. So I said yes. I met him there and there was a TON of people there. He made all of these people move so I could squeeze next to him. Well then the girls from the Hoedown showed up. one girl was Japanese and was dressed extravagantly. The other girl was plain but fed off of the other girl's persona. The Japanese girl was wearing this gaudy jewelery and talking of her fashion show tomorrow that she lost three pounds in one week for. This guy was so into them. He barely spoke to me and I didn't know anyone else there. These girls were so self absorbed it made me sick. All they did was talk of themselves and I was really wondering what I was doing there.
So he paid for mine, the Hoedown girls, and two other girls' meals. I felt cheap, confused, and appreciative all at the same time. He's not a jerk. He has astounding manners. He did try to make conversation, but I just wasn't funny. I didn't have any great stories or any friends there for a comfort zone.
I just realize that I could flaunt my beauty and wear it like a crown on my head, but I would rather someone see for themselves, not because i put it out there for all to see. I know he thinks I am beautiful. He complimented me when the situation arose, but it just seemed like he was surrounding himself with these girls for some...I don't know. He is a nice guy. I just feel so ugly. I felt like I did not shine. And I know, there are some days you do and some days you don't, but I keep thinking, So what? Why do I care? I just think that no matter who it is I would feel like that.
To not be on an equal playing field with these girls because I wasn't dressed like I was going to a club and wearing huge fake diamonds on my fingers is just not fair. I have so much more to offer than them. If a guy ends up with her he will spend eternity with her talking about herself.
UUUUGGGGHHHHH Screw men, i mean boys.