Blondes Have Rights, Too! (Or, I Rant Like a Lunatic)
Okay, disclaimer time. Obviously, I've taken up the Blond Cause, because I just spent two hours writing a fake back-story for Gretchen ("Miss European Pigtails," though we never hear or see anything that makes Gretchen European. Hence my story, wherein Gretchen is an exchange student from Germany working for keep and college by serving the Greys.)
Yes, I am blond. Yes, I can take a blond joke- so if you've got 'em, send 'em. I love a blond joke like I love an Irish joke, or a Polish joke, because I'm white and we're only allowed to laugh at racial jokes if they're directed toward ourselves. I really don't think there's any point in life if you can't laugh at yourself - if you can't laugh at life, period. My family likes to say,
"Life's a bitch, and then you die."
because it's a great way to put things in perspective. Enjoy life, laugh as much as possible, and learn to separate what's big and worth worrying about and what's small and can be helped with love. And it's all small stuff (yeah, I know that's trademarked. Sue me.) (Wait- no! don't!)
I'm off my soapbox now. Just, jeez Ana, lighten up. Back to the Disclaimer.
I'm blond, and I dislike the blatant demonizing of them in Fifty Shades of Grey. Blondes are the Slytherins, the Orcs, and the Vogons. I'd say that they're the Twilight version of bad guys, but Twilight only has the Volturi- who are, like, the shittiest bad guys ever. The Volturi talk a big game, but then only end up killing random secondary characters while begging Edward and Alice to join up. That's one thing Stephenie Meyer did redeem herself on, though. The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner changed my perspective on her writing ability and the series as a whole, because she added dimensions to characters she originally created just to fill plot holes. ARE YOU LISTENING, EL JAMES?
[Sidenote-to-the-Sidenote-to-the-Disclaimer: I am writing a piece on Twilight's superiority to Fifty Shades. It's happening. I owe Stephenie Meyer for all the years I spent bitching about her series and brazenly claiming that it was the worst popular bestseller of all time. I practically asked for Fifty Shades to happen. And it's made me think of Ms. Meyer in a whole new light. So just you wait, that shit is cookin'!]
I'm angry for the blondes because I get treated like this IRL all the time. Most white women feel insecure around me, because I'm naturally fitted to the Western ideal of beauty. I'm naturally blond and slim and I have really big knockers. I also put a lot of effort into looking good in the morning, so I don't feel I should have to apologize for that. But my "grooming" and my "passion for fashion" are negatives to most women, and it's a constant source of struggle for me. Since I grew into my looks and starting caring about my appearance, I lost literally all my female friends. So yeah, this shit is personal for me.
The "dumb blonde" stereotype, combined with the "slutty blonde" stereotype is beyond cliche. It's also offensive to the nationalities that are more likely to be blonde, like German, Polish, and Scandinavian. And it does nothing but reinforce the female assumption that we should all judge each other based on how attractive we are to men. You're not making any literary headway by pioneering this radical fucking manifesto that insecure girls hate blondes. We fucking know that. You and every other feel-bad-for-me-I'm-ugly book/movie/TV show in the history of TIME tells us that.
ANA: If you were really upset about not being born blonde, you would go to the fucking grocery store and buy a $10 bleach kit and become blonde yourself. If you were really upset about not knowing how to wear makeup, you'd use your free laptop to watch YouTube or read up on Wikipedia or literally any other FREE KNOWLEDGE to learn how.
EL: Write better.
Rant/Disclaimer over.
Yes, I am blond. Yes, I can take a blond joke- so if you've got 'em, send 'em. I love a blond joke like I love an Irish joke, or a Polish joke, because I'm white and we're only allowed to laugh at racial jokes if they're directed toward ourselves. I really don't think there's any point in life if you can't laugh at yourself - if you can't laugh at life, period. My family likes to say,
"Life's a bitch, and then you die."
because it's a great way to put things in perspective. Enjoy life, laugh as much as possible, and learn to separate what's big and worth worrying about and what's small and can be helped with love. And it's all small stuff (yeah, I know that's trademarked. Sue me.) (Wait- no! don't!)
I'm off my soapbox now. Just, jeez Ana, lighten up. Back to the Disclaimer.
I'm blond, and I dislike the blatant demonizing of them in Fifty Shades of Grey. Blondes are the Slytherins, the Orcs, and the Vogons. I'd say that they're the Twilight version of bad guys, but Twilight only has the Volturi- who are, like, the shittiest bad guys ever. The Volturi talk a big game, but then only end up killing random secondary characters while begging Edward and Alice to join up. That's one thing Stephenie Meyer did redeem herself on, though. The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner changed my perspective on her writing ability and the series as a whole, because she added dimensions to characters she originally created just to fill plot holes. ARE YOU LISTENING, EL JAMES?
[Sidenote-to-the-Sidenote-to-the-Disclaimer: I am writing a piece on Twilight's superiority to Fifty Shades. It's happening. I owe Stephenie Meyer for all the years I spent bitching about her series and brazenly claiming that it was the worst popular bestseller of all time. I practically asked for Fifty Shades to happen. And it's made me think of Ms. Meyer in a whole new light. So just you wait, that shit is cookin'!]
I'm angry for the blondes because I get treated like this IRL all the time. Most white women feel insecure around me, because I'm naturally fitted to the Western ideal of beauty. I'm naturally blond and slim and I have really big knockers. I also put a lot of effort into looking good in the morning, so I don't feel I should have to apologize for that. But my "grooming" and my "passion for fashion" are negatives to most women, and it's a constant source of struggle for me. Since I grew into my looks and starting caring about my appearance, I lost literally all my female friends. So yeah, this shit is personal for me.
The "dumb blonde" stereotype, combined with the "slutty blonde" stereotype is beyond cliche. It's also offensive to the nationalities that are more likely to be blonde, like German, Polish, and Scandinavian. And it does nothing but reinforce the female assumption that we should all judge each other based on how attractive we are to men. You're not making any literary headway by pioneering this radical fucking manifesto that insecure girls hate blondes. We fucking know that. You and every other feel-bad-for-me-I'm-ugly book/movie/TV show in the history of TIME tells us that.
ANA: If you were really upset about not being born blonde, you would go to the fucking grocery store and buy a $10 bleach kit and become blonde yourself. If you were really upset about not knowing how to wear makeup, you'd use your free laptop to watch YouTube or read up on Wikipedia or literally any other FREE KNOWLEDGE to learn how.
EL: Write better.
Rant/Disclaimer over.