I find joy.
I know I've been quiet lately and I'm not entirely sure how to account for it. After much anticipation, summer blew by me so quickly that I'm at a loss to say where it all went. In fact, I'm at a loss to say much of anything. So little of what I've been experiencing lately seems quantifiable. This summer...It rained a lot. I attended a Boot Camp for a month. I ran a handful of 5ks. Aja moved out. I left my job of two years. I went back to Graduate school. I hiked twenty-seven miles through the Andes. And now, I'm officially a Starbucks Barista.
And I can't help but view all these changes in a positive light. Yes, endings are sad, but they're also room for new beginnings. If you had told me when I came home from San Diego three years ago that I'd still be living in New Jersey today, I'm not sure I would have ever left. I viewed progress then as living on my own (even if I was miserable and depressed), having a boyfriend (even if he was a selfish prick who never recognized my needs) and appearing successful (even if I was spiritually bereft from working forty hours and going to graduate school full time).
But now...I realize that everyone has a different path and there's no shame in taking the long route. There's no shame in taking a job that pays slightly less if you're happier there and treated better by your superiors and your commute is only five minutes. There's no shame in living at home if you can't afford to live on your own. There's no shame in not being married or having kids in your late twenties, or heck, even dating seriously. There's no shame in not having your shit together at twenty-seven. Some people never get their shit together. And what's so great about having your shit together anyway?
I'm not saying that you shouldn't be a responsible person and human being and acknowledge your impact on others and the environment and the world, but what's wrong with living life for you? Especially when you've spent so long living to impress other people. What's wrong with enjoying life? And traveling? And working at a job you love? And kissing boys you barely know? And enjoying good friends and good food and good music, all the time, always?
I've matured a lot over the past year, but I've also found that regression isn't always the worst thing either. Hugging your inner child never hurt anyone. Having a sense of humor about yourself never did either. Being close to your family isn't shameful. Loving the things you love, despite opposition, despite what you're told you should want, is actually quite freeing.
You want the secret to happiness? You have to be happy on the inside. So many people in this country live with the, "I'll be happy tomorrow" attitude. Like, "once I move out of this state, I'll be happy." or "Once I get married, my life will begin." or "Once I have a job in the field I want, I'll be satisfied." But guess what? You're not going to magically find happiness by moving to a new place or finding a better job or buying a heap of new clothes. And I've spent so long around people who looked in those places for happiness that I really bought into the lie. I'm so glad that I can say now that I have a great group of friends who value me for me, not who I could be, not for how many things I have or what music I like, but for the roots-deep person I am (whoever that is).
I feel like a completely different person that I was a few months ago and in a really good way. For the most part, I'm happier, healthier and more secure than I was then. I still struggle. I'd like to keep my room neater than I do. I'd like to start exercising regularly again. I'd like to not eat as much junk food. But the thing is, I can acknowledge those things and at the same time realize that not doing those things doesn't make me a bad person or a lazy person or a loser or even less essentially "me". They just make me human. And these days, I'm just really happy to be a human.
And I can't help but view all these changes in a positive light. Yes, endings are sad, but they're also room for new beginnings. If you had told me when I came home from San Diego three years ago that I'd still be living in New Jersey today, I'm not sure I would have ever left. I viewed progress then as living on my own (even if I was miserable and depressed), having a boyfriend (even if he was a selfish prick who never recognized my needs) and appearing successful (even if I was spiritually bereft from working forty hours and going to graduate school full time).
But now...I realize that everyone has a different path and there's no shame in taking the long route. There's no shame in taking a job that pays slightly less if you're happier there and treated better by your superiors and your commute is only five minutes. There's no shame in living at home if you can't afford to live on your own. There's no shame in not being married or having kids in your late twenties, or heck, even dating seriously. There's no shame in not having your shit together at twenty-seven. Some people never get their shit together. And what's so great about having your shit together anyway?
I'm not saying that you shouldn't be a responsible person and human being and acknowledge your impact on others and the environment and the world, but what's wrong with living life for you? Especially when you've spent so long living to impress other people. What's wrong with enjoying life? And traveling? And working at a job you love? And kissing boys you barely know? And enjoying good friends and good food and good music, all the time, always?
I've matured a lot over the past year, but I've also found that regression isn't always the worst thing either. Hugging your inner child never hurt anyone. Having a sense of humor about yourself never did either. Being close to your family isn't shameful. Loving the things you love, despite opposition, despite what you're told you should want, is actually quite freeing.
You want the secret to happiness? You have to be happy on the inside. So many people in this country live with the, "I'll be happy tomorrow" attitude. Like, "once I move out of this state, I'll be happy." or "Once I get married, my life will begin." or "Once I have a job in the field I want, I'll be satisfied." But guess what? You're not going to magically find happiness by moving to a new place or finding a better job or buying a heap of new clothes. And I've spent so long around people who looked in those places for happiness that I really bought into the lie. I'm so glad that I can say now that I have a great group of friends who value me for me, not who I could be, not for how many things I have or what music I like, but for the roots-deep person I am (whoever that is).
I feel like a completely different person that I was a few months ago and in a really good way. For the most part, I'm happier, healthier and more secure than I was then. I still struggle. I'd like to keep my room neater than I do. I'd like to start exercising regularly again. I'd like to not eat as much junk food. But the thing is, I can acknowledge those things and at the same time realize that not doing those things doesn't make me a bad person or a lazy person or a loser or even less essentially "me". They just make me human. And these days, I'm just really happy to be a human.