Meh..

May 16, 2005 12:30

Ok so, since ashely was a month old ive been around her, short of the 4-5 months i was in louisiana..

I love ashley more than any family i have short of the mom, but thats a given.. I know that sounds bad, but when i wake up i usually go to ashley first, play, change her diaper when need be, feed her, we had our own lil games wed play, etc etc.. ashley means a ton to me, and leaving houston was extremely tough because i missed her shortly after leaving..

Anyway, moving on..

I had a dream last nite.. In the dream ashely was playing near this object.. the object was like a large tube, but it was made of some weird material.. and she had crawled into this tube thing. In the dream it had a feeling that she was supposed to be doing what she was doing.. so i didnt feel the need to stop her.. but she started suffocating so i ran over to help her, but by the time i got her out she had.. well suffocated. and i was holding her and she was not alive..

Ok so, when i woke up i was obviously pretty upset by this.. And its making me think that i have to be around ashley 24/7 in order to make sure shes ok.. but i know i cant because im not her dad. But its driving me crazy..

I mean she almost choked on a gummy worm a couple days bedore i left.. someone had given her the gummy worm thinking shed chew it.. she swallowed it whole obviously.. she was quiet for a moment, but before she was babbling none stop.. so i looked over and her eyes were a lil teary, so i shot over and pulled the worm out of her mouth.. i mean im sure someone else would have noticed since we were in a car when this happened.. but i still think back and think "what if i werent there..?" etc.. but meh..

i just had to get all that out.. still its driving me mad thinking about it all.. meh..
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