a letter i'll never read...

[fromheavenifell]

the smell of summer lingers in my room, pouring through the open window and i am convinced that it is time to let go of the worries and stress of school... it's so hard to deny myself the pleasure of breathing, but how else can i make it through the next few weeks? it seems unfair that i have to face such long periods of unhappiness to reach an ephemeral moment of bliss... but who said life would be easy? i have yet to pull an all -nighter junior year, but this may be my first. i'm shaking and uneasy. i am sick of being sad and i am sad to feel so sick. my arm is scarred with memories of times i'd like to forget, and my heart is so heavy. right now... i'm lost. my interactions with people are becoming complex. i'm in the process of inadvertently breaking hearts (including my own) and i cannot seem to find a way out of it. my stomach is full of rocks... dragging me down and serving as a constant reminder that things are not right. the planets, mathmatically out of whack, are leading me to believe that life is meant to be disastrous... i guess that's the fun of it all. i'm so in love with everything right now... but i can't shake this feeling. there are letters, discarded in hotel rooms, that i will never read. there are truths that i will never understand, and words that i cannot hear. there are thousands of unused opportunities and forgotten promises and i am expected to feel fine. i try so goddamn hard, but i will never be perfect. things can never be perfect, and even if they were, who would ever notice? we're all too busy, wrapped up in meaningless endeavors, to appreciate it all.

it hurts to know that, as bad as i feel now, i'm staring down a nightmare that refuses to surrender. good-byes. faces fade to memories and things will change. even if they stayed the same, i think i'd be afraid.