the_lucky13 54.4 "Make your own list."
13 text messages I've received from Benjamin Michael Hines.
1. I think I might have thrown my back out yesterday. The girl I went home with asked if it was true that guys couldn’t suck their own dicks. I told her that I’d never tried. She said that she’d be surprised if I couldn’t, considering the length of my assets. I tried. I couldn’t. She was surprised. I need you to come drive me to the chiropractor and say we were lifting boxes.
2. Cornflakes and beer don’t mix. Remind me to get milk.
3. Gave your chick a number. Turns out that they like virgins just as much as we do. I told her you were considering priesthood. She wants to fuck Jesus right out of you. Just roll with it, and you can thank me later.
4. Twins, Gabriel. My life is now complete, and I can die happy.
5. I don’t know, man. I still like to jerk off when I have a girlfriend. It’s like quality me time.
6. If I could be a woman for a day, I would totally seduce you.
7. You just died on the Oregon Trail. Of diarrhea. Shit. No pun intended.
8. I can’t get this glitter out of my pubes. I’ve tried washing it with shampoo three times now and it’s still there. Should I shave?
9. I just got thrown out of the woman I went home with’s apartment. Should I go back to the bar and try for seconds?
10. Jesus, Gabriel. She doesn’t want you to fix her cabinets, she wants you to oil her hinges. And yes, before you even think of asking, that is a sexual innuendo.
11. I just got a text from a girl saying that she got her period. I don’t remember who she is, but I’m going out to celebrate. You game?
12. Dude, I’m at the sex store. They have “Make your own dildo” kits for sale. You make a dildo in the shape of your own dick. Should I get a bunch of kits, make them up, and then offer the women I bring home the chance to buy a souvenir?
13. You were so drunk last night that you told a girl you were possessed by the devil, and that the only way to get it out was for her to give you a blowjob and suck it out. I’ve never been more proud of you in my life.
1. I think I might have thrown my back out yesterday. The girl I went home with asked if it was true that guys couldn’t suck their own dicks. I told her that I’d never tried. She said that she’d be surprised if I couldn’t, considering the length of my assets. I tried. I couldn’t. She was surprised. I need you to come drive me to the chiropractor and say we were lifting boxes.
2. Cornflakes and beer don’t mix. Remind me to get milk.
3. Gave your chick a number. Turns out that they like virgins just as much as we do. I told her you were considering priesthood. She wants to fuck Jesus right out of you. Just roll with it, and you can thank me later.
4. Twins, Gabriel. My life is now complete, and I can die happy.
5. I don’t know, man. I still like to jerk off when I have a girlfriend. It’s like quality me time.
6. If I could be a woman for a day, I would totally seduce you.
7. You just died on the Oregon Trail. Of diarrhea. Shit. No pun intended.
8. I can’t get this glitter out of my pubes. I’ve tried washing it with shampoo three times now and it’s still there. Should I shave?
9. I just got thrown out of the woman I went home with’s apartment. Should I go back to the bar and try for seconds?
10. Jesus, Gabriel. She doesn’t want you to fix her cabinets, she wants you to oil her hinges. And yes, before you even think of asking, that is a sexual innuendo.
11. I just got a text from a girl saying that she got her period. I don’t remember who she is, but I’m going out to celebrate. You game?
12. Dude, I’m at the sex store. They have “Make your own dildo” kits for sale. You make a dildo in the shape of your own dick. Should I get a bunch of kits, make them up, and then offer the women I bring home the chance to buy a souvenir?
13. You were so drunk last night that you told a girl you were possessed by the devil, and that the only way to get it out was for her to give you a blowjob and suck it out. I’ve never been more proud of you in my life.