(no subject)
it seems like everything is culminating and today it's just too much.
I was at camp for the week Katrina happened and I spent hours on the drive home listening to reports of everything going on in the south--in New Orleans and Mississipi and Texas. Today I saw pictures for the first time. I just can't stop sobbing every time I hear or see anything about it. The whole fucking south east is sinking right into the ocean and I wish people would realize it and everyone would just leave. "We'll rebuild" they say, but for what? To be knocked down again? Five hurricanes hit Florida last year, this year just watch, it's not getting any better.
My grandmother died. I couldn't afford to go to the funeral, and no one made any effort to sugar coat the bad news. People say "atleast you weren't close to her" but that's /exactly/ why I'm crying. I didn't even know her. She would tell me stories and go through old photographs with me and tell me stories and tell me how beautiful I am. She giggled like a little girl, and it seemed the older she got the younger she seemed. She wanted to gossip with me like a kid, asking who I had a crush on. The cancer moved from her breasts to her brain and ate away at her. I never fucking knew her. When I saw her I wanted to get every story of her life out of her, and to remember all of them, and learn from them and take them on as lifelike memories of my own.
It's September 11th and four years ago today I was crying, not knowing whether my brother was alive or trapped in a disaster, dying. He was fine thank god but for now I see pictures of people on the streets of New York, sobbing and the same thoughts that went through my head going through theirs and still I lose my breath and double over.
I wonder if during times of disaster that affects a nation the national suicide rate goes up or down. If people are more encouraged to get involved or remove themselves from it. I wonder how many people are as affected by shit that hasnt even happened to them, as I am. I cry every time I listen to NPR, almost invariably. I don't want to be numb, but I feel so oversensitive.
And I'm afraid of getting any older. Everything keeps getting harder and harder. And as much as I tell myself that I'm not worried about money, and that I know I'll be fine even if I have to work shit jobs, I'm scared.
I was at camp for the week Katrina happened and I spent hours on the drive home listening to reports of everything going on in the south--in New Orleans and Mississipi and Texas. Today I saw pictures for the first time. I just can't stop sobbing every time I hear or see anything about it. The whole fucking south east is sinking right into the ocean and I wish people would realize it and everyone would just leave. "We'll rebuild" they say, but for what? To be knocked down again? Five hurricanes hit Florida last year, this year just watch, it's not getting any better.
My grandmother died. I couldn't afford to go to the funeral, and no one made any effort to sugar coat the bad news. People say "atleast you weren't close to her" but that's /exactly/ why I'm crying. I didn't even know her. She would tell me stories and go through old photographs with me and tell me stories and tell me how beautiful I am. She giggled like a little girl, and it seemed the older she got the younger she seemed. She wanted to gossip with me like a kid, asking who I had a crush on. The cancer moved from her breasts to her brain and ate away at her. I never fucking knew her. When I saw her I wanted to get every story of her life out of her, and to remember all of them, and learn from them and take them on as lifelike memories of my own.
It's September 11th and four years ago today I was crying, not knowing whether my brother was alive or trapped in a disaster, dying. He was fine thank god but for now I see pictures of people on the streets of New York, sobbing and the same thoughts that went through my head going through theirs and still I lose my breath and double over.
I wonder if during times of disaster that affects a nation the national suicide rate goes up or down. If people are more encouraged to get involved or remove themselves from it. I wonder how many people are as affected by shit that hasnt even happened to them, as I am. I cry every time I listen to NPR, almost invariably. I don't want to be numb, but I feel so oversensitive.
And I'm afraid of getting any older. Everything keeps getting harder and harder. And as much as I tell myself that I'm not worried about money, and that I know I'll be fine even if I have to work shit jobs, I'm scared.