Space They Cannot Touch
Title: Chapter Ten: Ache For You
Pairing: Matthew/Dominic
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Dating Matthew Bellamy turns out to be somewhat less satisfying than Dom imagined.
Disclaimer: I do not own Muse. The events within are entirely fictional.
Betas: The dynamic duo millionstar and dolce_piccante . You both are made of beauty and win.
Warnings: Angst, language.
Previous Parts: Prologue, Chapter One, Chapter Two, Chapter Three, Chapter Four, Chapter Five, Chapter Six, Chapter Seven, Chapter Eight , Chapter Nine
And it’s alright if
You're undecided
Or if you're scared
That you might like it
Or if it’s true
I ache for you
There's no rhyme
And there's no reason
You're the secret in the back of my skull
There's no logic
So please believe me
Our love's confusing
But it never gets dull
It's getting late
Anticipation
And if we talk
Communication
And then you'll know
I ache for you
Ache For You - Ben Lee
It’s been a long time since Dominic Howard learned anything important about himself. He knew he wanted to be a musician at thirteen, that he was unusually concerned with his appearance at fourteen, and that he was gay at fifteen. Everything else - including the discovery of his predilection for leopard print - pales in comparison to those three major revelations. And now he can add one more to the list: he is incapable of being a good boyfriend.
To be fair, it’s not as though he hadn’t suspected as much before. Hell, almost all of the people he’d half-heartedly attempted relationships with had told him just how much he sucked as a boyfriend. He’s well aware that most of them only stayed as long as they did because of the sex. It never bothered Dom; he liked sex, and having someone around to cook him dinner was really just an added bonus. At the end of the day he knew he was taking advantage, knew that he wasn’t giving as much to the relationship as the other people. He always assumed that one day he’d meet someone that he really did want to have a relationship with and he would throw himself headfirst into that relationship, until the other person was so overwhelmed with love and care and fucking great sex that he’d never even think of leaving Dom. Now he’s got that chance, with the one person he wants it with the most.
He cooks almost every night, and makes a special effort to learn Matt’s favourite recipes. He tries harder to control his bad moods, so that Matt doesn’t have to bear the brunt of his frustration. He lets Matt choose what they watch on TV in the evening, even though it means spending his Friday nights watching documentaries about the CIA using LSD to control the population or tributes to long dead composers. He offers up bright smiles whenever Matt enters the room, which isn’t actually that hard given that Dom’s mood tends to improve dramatically whenever he lays eyes on the brunet. He does all the things he never did for anyone before, and he’s surprised to find that he genuinely enjoys it. It feels good to take care of someone. Dom doesn’t think he’ll ever get tired of that look of sweet surprise on Matt’s face whenever Dom tells him to put his feet up while he takes care of dinner.
But it’s not enough.
There’s a distinct sadness about Matt in the last couple of weeks that Dom is positive wasn’t there before. The only thing that’s really changed about their lives is the confession of their feelings, so Dom can only assume that Matt has come to realize that Dom has nothing to offer and now wants out. He wouldn’t say anything, not while Dom is in the condition he’s in, so he’s probably just going to wait for Dom to get better and then pack his things to leave. The sad thing is, Dom could probably deal with that if it meant he got a couple of months of Matt at least pretending to like him, but the guitarist has hardly touched Dom since the day of their confessions, much less kissed him. The whole situation is intensely frustrating. Their honesty was supposed to bring them closer together, not push them further apart than ever.
He knows that the smart thing to do would be to talk to Matt about it. He thinks about doing it too, but then he’ll catch Matt looking at him with something akin to hunger in his blue eyes and it’ll be enough to convince Dom, for a short time anyway, that maybe he’s just being paranoid. But the more time that passes without Matt initiating any kind of physical contact, the harder it is for Dom to convince himself that their relationship is going anywhere. Still, the tentative peace they have now is a lot better than arguing all the time, so Dom keeps his mouth shut and does his best to accept what he has.
Unfortunately, there was never any guarantee that Matt would do the same.
This is stupid.
The comment catches Dom off guard, coming as it does in the middle of an episode of Arrested Development that they’d been watching together.
I thought you liked this show?
Matt rolls his eyes.
Don’t play dumb with me. I’m talking about this. He waves his hand at the huge amount of space between them on the couch. This is fucking ridiculous. We’re supposed to be together now. What couple sits this far away from each other when they’re alone in a room?
Matt has a point. They could not be further apart on the sleek leather couch if they tried. With a sigh, Dom picks up his glass and moves to sit next to Matt. He knows that what Matt is trying to talk about is a lot bigger than where they sit when they’re watching TV, but Dom is determined to stall him for as long as possible.
Better?
Of course it’s not fucking better! Why are you trying to make this harder? We need to talk about this.
Dom turns the television off and shifts so that he’s sat cross-legged facing Matt.
Go ahead then. Start talking.
It’s been two months since I kissed you, and you’ve wanted nothing to do with me since then.
Me? You’re the one who feels the need to give me a fucking five-mile berth even when we’re washing the dishes!
Because I was trying to respect you, you arse! I said I wasn’t going to push you, and I haven’t.
So you decided to just not touch me at all?
What choice did I have? Do you have any idea how fucking hard it is to be in the same room with you and not push you against the nearest available surface?
Dom doesn’t really know how to respond to that. And then, to his utter horror, he giggles. Like a fucking schoolgirl. Matt is obviously amused, because his face splits into one of the biggest grins Dom has ever seen.
How did we become such colossal knobs?
I don’t know, but I blame Chris.
Chris? What has he got to do with it?
Nothing, but he’s not here to defend himself so I figure why not blame him?
Matt laughs.
I like the way you think.
Yeah? What if I think this?
Dom reaches out and brushes a hand over Matt’s cheek. The brunet smiles softly.
I really like that.
Matt carelessly tosses his notebook to the floor and turns his head to drop a kiss to the centre of Dom’s palm. Dom takes that as his cue, and leans over to press his lips to Matt’s cheek. He feels Matt’s breath hitch as he trails his lips over Matt’s cheekbone and down to his already parted lips. After the briefest taste of Matt’s sweetness, Dom pulls away. He savors the joy in Matt’s eyes for as long as he can before closing the gap between them once more. A hand comes up to cup Dom’s face as Matt hungrily returns Dom’s kiss. Dom’s on his knees now, bracing himself above Matt as their tongues tangle together. It’s not a comfortable position, and pretty soon they are parting in order to rectify the situation.
They end up horizontal, Matt looking up at Dom and Dom loving the way Matt feels beneath him even more than he imagined he would. Matt flings his arm out and grabs the notebook.
So…can we agree to put an end to the this ‘no touching’ complex?
Dom looks down at him, his lips kiss-swollen and his eyes dark with lust.
I certainly hope so.
He grins wickedly and grinds his hips down into Matt’s. The notebook slides to the floor, forgotten once more, as Matt shoves a hand into Dom’s hair and pulls the drummer into a fierce kiss.
*
Dom closes the door behind him and shrugs his jacket off. At Matt’s insistence he’s started going for a walk a couple of times a week. He’s still not comfortable going shopping or anything, but walking gets him out of the apartment for a bit and gives him some thinking time. Things are going pretty well between them now, even though they haven’t gone any further than a lot of incredibly good kisses. For the first time in his life, Dom is enjoying the lighter side of physical intimacy. Just holding hands with Matt is enough to have his heart threatening to jump out of his throat, and he’s terrified that if they push things too far too quickly those little things will those their value. Luckily for him, Matt seems content spending afternoons curled up together on the couch or stealing quick kisses whilst Dom is making coffee. It can’t last forever - neither of them are really the waiting type when it comes to sex - but for now Dom is pretty pleased with the way things are.
He heads into the kitchen, intending to make tea, but the sight of a familiar figure kneeling in the lounge room distracts him. Not only is Matt kneeling in the middle of the room, but he appears to be blindfolded. As Dom steps closer it’s clear that Matt does indeed have a black blindfold tied around his head - silk, judging by the shine of it - and he’s obviously noticed Dom’s entrance into the room if the slight increase in the speed of his breathing is any indication. Dom watches Matt’s lips form the word ‘Dom’. In response, he rests his hand on Matt’s shoulder. A shy smile flickers on the face of the kneeling man, who points to a small stack of paper on the coffee table.
I have a present for you.
Dom stares bewildered at Matt, unable to work out how a blindfolded Matt Bellamy could possibly be a present. It doesn’t take long for his brain to supply him with a long list of images of exactly how brilliant a present it could be, each of which makes the fit of his jeans a little more uncomfortable than usual.
I know you’re still hung up about the hearing thing. I know you feel like I’m your carer a lot of the time rather than your boyfriend.
That’s true, but it still doesn’t explain why Matt is in the position he’s in.
Tonight we’re turning the tables. You’re going to be my eyes. I’m going to rely totally on you.
It’s not the same thing, and they both know it. Matt can take off the blindfold at any time and be right back to normal. But it’s touching, all the same.
It’s also insane, even for Matt. There’s no way they can go through with it.
Dom is just opening his mouth to say as much when he notices the slight flush of Matt’s cheeks, the way his breathing seems to be a little heavier now. The sight of Matt kneeling blindfolded before Dom had tapped into all kinds of control fantasies that Dom didn’t even know he had. Knowing that Matt was getting off on it too was too good an opportunity to pass up.
I know it sounds kind of crazy.
In that moment Dom finally comes to understand what the fangirls mean by ‘squee’. The mere thought that he and Matt are so on the same wavelength that the guitarist could predict his response so accurately makes him want to jump up and down and laugh and scream and smile and tell the whole world about it. He does none of those things. Well, he smiles, but he figures that of all the options, that one is the most appropriate response.
Trust me.
There’s one more piece of paper left.
Please.
Dom feels another rush of squee then, because he is apparently just as good at reading Matt as Matt is at reading him. He’s loving it, and he doesn’t want Dom to let him off the hook.
Slowly, Dom squats down in front of the still-kneeling Matt. He runs his index finger over the blindfold and down Matt’s nose, watching as Matt struggles to control his smile. He has no idea how they’re going to manage it, but he’s willing to try if Matt is.
Things go pretty smoothly at first. Dom pours them both a glass of wine, and Matt is an experienced enough drinker to be able to drink it without spilling any. They put a Bowie DVD on so that Matt can listen to the music and Dom can enjoy the visuals. Dom helps Matt onto the couch, where he promptly curls up in Dom’s lap, which suits Dom just fine. Normally, Dom finds it almost impossible to tear his attention away from Matt’s eyes, so it’s a bit disconcerting to see them covered up. He soon learns to enjoy it though; because without Matt’s eyes to distract him Dom discovers at least ten new favourite Matt parts before the first two songs are over. And Matt seems happy to just sit back and let him explore, and if that doesn’t turn you on, nothing will. Matt Bellamy doesn’t do vulnerable and yet here he is, unable to see and letting Dom’s hands wander wherever they like. It’s a feeling of power unlike anything Dom has ever known.
That feeling of power pretty much disappears when they try to eat dinner. They’re having soup, which now seems like a horrendously bad idea. Dom tries a method of tapping Matt’s cheek to tell him to open his mouth and then sliding the spoon in. To say it’s a dismal failure would be understating the matter slightly and he resorts to finding a straw for Matt, who has to eat his mushroom soup through a crazy straw. The first time Matt misses the spoon and spills the soup down his shirt, Dom finds himself instantly thinking that they’ve got a lot to learn before they can even consider bringing kids into the picture. The fact that he’s even thinking about kids is hugely frightening, and it’s only when Matt spills another mouthful that Dom is able to snap himself out if it and laugh again.
The catastrophe of dinner over, they retire to television again. It’s strange, being pretty much unable to communicate since Dom can’t hear and Matt can’t see, but somehow they make it work. Granted, they spend most of their time kissing, but Dom still thinks it is an achievement.
Matt’s fingernails drag over Dom’s scalp, causing the blond to press up into the man currently sprawled across his lap. Dom could devour Matt tonight, but he’s forcing himself to hold back. He wants Matt to be able to see him the first time he gets his mouth on one of those gorgeous nipples. He wants Matt’s eyes on him the first time he gets to taste the smooth skin of his inner thigh. No. There will be no serious action tonight. He can’t resist sinking his teeth into Matt’s neck though, and he’s rewarded with a moan that he can feel rattling in Matt’s chest. They stay like that for a long time, hands and lips exploring leisurely, the rest of the world forgotten.
When they finally go to bed, and Dom discovers a note from Matt on his pillow, he’s exceedingly glad that the brunet is unable to see his reaction.
This is how I feel all the time when you’re not around. I’ve always been kind of messed up, but I’ve always had you there to guide me. I don’t trust myself anywhere near as much if I don’t have your support. You’re my eyes all the time, Dom. And my conscious and my courage and my heart.
It’s pretty much the gayest thing Dom has ever read. It’s also the most beautiful. So who can blame him for the tears that spill over his cheeks? Who can blame him for reaching out and squeezing Matt’s hand so hard he almost snaps his fingers off?
I want you to remember that even though we don’t seem like equals at the moment, I rely on you more than you know. I want us to always rely on each other.
He can’t tell Matt that he loves him, can’t even mouth it for Matt to lip-read. He settles for covering Matt’s smaller body with his own and planting kisses down the hollow of Matt’s throat and over his cloth-covered eyelids. When Matt’s arms encircle him, he knows that Matt gets the message.