Space They Cannot Touch
Title: Chapter Nine: Another Lonely Day
Pairing: Matthew/Dominic
Rating: PG-13
Summary: He'd thought the hard part was over. Turns out, it's only just beginning.
Disclaimer: I do not own Muse. The events within are entirely fictional.
Betas: The dynamic duo millionstar and dolce_piccante . You both are made of beauty and win.
Warnings: Angst, language.
Previous Parts: Prologue, Chapter One, Chapter Two, Chapter Three, Chapter Four, Chapter Five, Chapter Six, Chapter Seven, Chapter Eight
Wish there was something I could say or do
I can resist anything but the temptation from you.
But I’d rather walk alone than chase you around
I’d rather fall myself than let you drag me on down.
It wouldn’t have worked out anyway
So for now it’s just another lonely day.
Further along, we just may
But for now it’s just another lonely day.
Another Lonely Day - Ben Harper
Somewhere in the back of his mind, Matt was convinced that doing this with Dom unable to speak would somehow make it easier. He was wrong.
The silence stretches on between them, with Dom simply staring at Matt and Matt wishing he could undo the last ten minutes and continue to suffer in silence. Dom’s eyes are usually so expressive but right now they’re giving nothing away. It’s unnerving. Matt clears his throat.
Dom stands up and motions for Matt to do the same. The brunet’s heart leaps as he obeys the unspoken command. Dom steps closer. The first flush of a smile makes its presence known on Matt’s face. He doesn’t see it coming at all. One moment he’s standing in front of Dom about to touch him for the first time since confessing his feelings, and the next he’s being shoved hard against the wall. His head hits the plaster with a dull thud and when he looks up to find out what happened, he finds Dom physically trembling with rage. Dom grabs his notebook and scribbles furiously.
Do you mean to tell me that I can’t hear right now because you were upset that I apparently rejected you? That if you’d had the fucking balls to come and talk to me about it properly then none of this would have happened?
Matt’s never really thought about it like that, but Dom has a point. It was his sense of rejection that caused him to confront Dom in the first place, and his anger at how that confrontation played out that made him swing the guitar just that little bit harder. Could he have subconsciously set out to injure Dom, to hurt him like he’d hurt Matt?
NO, he thinks. The thought of causing Dom any kind of pain makes him feel physically nauseous. Even at his most angry, there’s no way he meant for this to happen. He’s an arsehole sometimes, sure, but he’s not that spiteful. The two things are definitely connected though, and he has a sneaking suspicion that for Dom, that’s bad enough.
I didn’t do it deliberately.
So you keep telling me. But are you sure?
YES. FUCK YES. I was angry. I admit that. But I could never want to hurt you. Knowing that I did…it’s been killing me, Dom.
How terrible for you.
Matt can feel the frustration bubbling inside of him, which is absurd. If anyone has a right to be frustrated here, it’s Dom. But the blond is playing it perfectly cool. His mouth is set in a hard line, his body taught. His lack of emotion hurts more than anything else. Like Matt’s not even worth getting upset about.
What I really don’t understand is why tell me this now?
I didn’t intend to. It was a secret I was more than happy to take to my grave, but you’ve been so sad lately, so lacking in the hope and energy that I’m used to seeing from you. I thought it might help if you knew.
So this is about pity? You wanting to cheer up the deaf guy by letting him know that the great Matt Bellamy fancied him once.
Matt’s hands tear through his hair in an attempt to stop him strangling Dom.
Why are you doing this? Why are you taking everything I say and twisting it into something else?
The somewhat guilty look on Dom’s face is proof that that was indeed what he’d been trying to do. His shoulder’s slump slightly, his mouth softening into a frown.
Because this…those words…
He points at Matt’s earlier declaration.
This was supposed to be the best moment of my life. This was supposed to make everything okay again and instead it has made it all so much worse.
Dom scrubs hand over his face and reaches for the paper again.
The first time I thought I loved you we were sixteen.
“The great thing about Chris is his attitude. He always keeps you on your toes,” Matt gushes, falling into step next to Dom and offering him a lolly from his bag. “When you first see him he looks like a total hardcase, when he starts talking and you think he’s just a gentle giant, and then he goes and does something totally unpredictable and you realise that he’s actually fucking mental.” He laughs.
“If you think Chris is so great, why are you hanging out with me?” Dom grumbles, kicking at a pebble and frowning. “Why don’t you go follow Chris around all day? Or better yet, you two can just get married and start popping out a bunch of gay kids.”
It’s uncalled for, but Dom is sixteen, grumpy, and more than a little jealous. He likes Chris, for many of the same reasons that Matt does, but he is used to being the one really impressive person in Matt’s life and he doesn’t like the fact that Chris has made such an impact on the other boy. Matt is really all he has, friend wise, and he hates the idea that he might lose him to Chris.
“Are you jealous?” Matt asks, sounding far too pleased at the prospect.
“Fuck. Off.”
“You are!” he exclaims. “You’re jealous of Chris!” Dom does his best to ignore him, quickening his pace only to find Matt suddenly right in front of him. “Cheer up, Dommie, you’ll always be my favourite friend.” He bats his eyelashes ridiculously and holds the lolly bag out to Dom.
“I mean it, Matt, I’m not in the mood.”
“Dom,” Matt says, sounding sober now. “Seriously, you’re my best mate, yeah? Nothing’s going to change that.” His blue eyes plead with Dom’s and eventually the drummer relents.
“Yeah. Okay,” he says, feeling like a bit of an idiot now.
“I’ll always love you the best, blondie,” Matt replies, flinging his arms around Dom’s neck. It’s the most uncomfortable hug Dom has ever had; Matt is all bones and pointy elbows and the bag of lollies is squished against his back, but Dom appreciates it all the same.
“Get off me, you queer,” he says, laughing as he attempts to untangle himself from Matt.
“You’d like that, wouldn’t you,” Matt replies, winking at Dom. “Don’t worry. When I come out, I promise I’ll bum you first.”
“In your dreams,” Dom shoots back, flushing.
“No mate, in yours.”
It had already been in Dom’s dreams, but he saw no need to alert Matt of the fact. That was the first of many times that he felt a rush of possession when he thought about Matt that stretched beyond mere friendship. At the time it scared him, because he knew it was something bigger than you were supposed to feel at sixteen. Hell, it still scares him today.
Loved. As in past tense.
It’s not a question, but Dom responds as though it were.
Loved as in past, present and probably future.
It’s the single most brilliant sentence Matt has ever read. It takes all the darkness of the last couple of years and blows it right out of the fucking water. It makes him feel new and fresh and ready in a way he hasn’t for a very, very long time.
You still
He can’t even bring himself to finish the sentence. That’s how unbelievable it is to him.
Yes. How pathetic is that? Even after all the shit that’s gone down between us, I still want you. But I’ve spent so long wanting you that I don’t know how to want anyone else.
Dom’s still frowning, but Matt is smiling again.
We have wasted so much time.
Dom nods miserably.
I don’t want to waste any more.
Matt lets his notebook hang to the side and reaches for Dom again. The moment his fingers brush Dom’s bare arm, the drummer flinches. Shocked, Matt immediately backs away, his eyes scanning Dom’s face for an explanation.
I just can’t right now.
Matt furrows his brows in confusion, swallowing the lump that forms in his throat.
I hate myself right now. That’s not a healthy position to be in going into a relationship. And what happens the next time you’re feeling insecure? You going to throw things at me again instead of talking to me about it?
I will never do anything like that again. You have to know that.
Dom shakes his head.
I might never get my hearing back. We’ve been talking as though it’s a guarantee, but it’s not. It’s major surgery they’re talking about. Anything could go wrong.
Dom, I don’t fucking care. If you don’t get your hearing back it doesn’t matter to me. I’ll still want you.
You can’t know how you’ll react if the surgery doesn’t work. And I can’t pin my hopes on you thinking you’ll react a certain way. It isn’t fair to either of us.
That doesn’t change what we could have right now. I could make you forget for a while, if you just gave me the chance.
He steps forward again, fingers stroking the back of Dom’s hand. This time, Dom doesn’t pull away.
Please Dom, let me help you.
Dom is biting his lip, clearly fighting some internal battle. He turns his hand over so that they’re palm to palm, letting their fingers entwine.
I’m sorry.
Matt wants to argue. He wants to pull Dom into his arms and tell him that love is all that matters, and that they’re only wasting more time by not acting on how they feel right fucking now, but he knows that if he tries to push anything right now he will lose everything. So he gives Dom’s hand one final squeeze before letting it fall from his grasp.
If this is what you want, I’ll respect it.
Thank you.
Matt nods sharply.
I don’t expect you to wait for me or anything. If you meet someone else, you’re under no obligation to me.
Fuck obligation. I want you, Dom. I’ll wait.
*
The next few days are torture for Matt. Seeing Dom every day and knowing that the other man wants him, but being unable to touch him, is slowly driving him mad. The worst thing is, it doesn’t seem to bother Dom at all. He seems happier than he was before, but nothing has changed about his behaviour to Matt. He still has rapid mood swings and he still takes out his frustration on Matt over the smallest of things. It’s confusing and irritating and the joyful feeling Matt experienced upon discovering Dom’s feelings soon disappears. Before he knows what’s happening, they’ve reverted to stony looks and uncomfortable silences.
It takes him almost a fortnight to realise that Dom is doing it deliberately. That he’s trying to push Matt away. He assumes that Dom thinks he’s doing Matt a favour, and that he hopes by being as difficult as possible Matt will end up going out and shagging some random bloke instead of waiting for Dom. What he doesn’t understand is why.
All that shit you said the other day, about how you feel about me, was that just bullshit?
Dom looks surprised and mildly offended by the question, and for the first time in days he gives Matt his full attention.
Of course I meant it.
Then why all the dramatics? Why are you trying to make me leave?
It’s like I said, I don’t want you waiting around for me and wasting your life.
And what about what I said? What about what I want?
Dom does look a little ashamed at that. It’s then that Matt has his first revelation.
You know what I think? You’re not doing me a favour, you’re doing yourself one. You don’t want to take a chance on this so you’re trying to push me away before you have to.
It saddens Matt to think of Dom behaving like a scared little boy. Dom, who Matt has never known to be scared of anything.
I’m scared too, you know. I don’t want to lose you. I can’t lose you. But not trying this at all scares me more.
Dom sighs, perching on the arm of the leather recliner and fixing Matt with a forlorn look.
When I said I didn’t want to start anything now, you accepted it without question. Like you were actually kind of relieved. I thought you’d changed your mind. Or that you loving me was different to you actually wanting to love me, if that makes sense.
That’s Matt’s second revelation. Perhaps he should have pushed Dom after all?
You think I’m not attracted to you.
Dom blushes, a truly rare sight. It makes Matt’s stomach tingle pleasantly, and he can’t help but wonder what else might cause Dom to turn such an attractive shade of red.
You’ve never liked blonds.
“Oh Dom,” Matt exhales. The mere thought that someone as exquisite as Dom is worried about Matt finding him attractive is laughable to Matt, but he knows that it’s not a joke to Dom. He could quite easily sit and write an encyclopaedia on all the ways in which Dom is attractive, but sometimes actions really do speak louder than words.
While Dom is busy staring at the floor and waiting for his blush to dissipate, Matt stands up. In three strides he’s across the room, one hand latching onto Dom’s and pulling the other man to his feet. Dom has less than a second to prepare himself, and then Matt’s lips are touching his for the first time.
Matt’s kiss is slow and exploratory, a perfect first kiss. He moans almost as soon as he feels Dom’s lips brush across his own. Part of him wants to just dive in and devour the other man, but he forces himself to hold back. This is about making Dom realise how much Matt is invested in this, not about either of them getting off. The hand that was holding Dom’s slips to his waist whilst the other tangles in Dom’s blond hair.
Dom’s hands fist in Matt’s shirt, dragging the other man closer until they’re pressed together from head to toe. He bites down on Matt’s lower lip and feels rather than hears the groan that Matt lets loose in response.
Panting, Matt breaks the kiss, eyes glazed and breath hitching at the sight of Dom’s kiss-swollen lips.
I didn’t push you because I wanted to show you that I respected your wishes. But don’t ever think I don’t want you. I won’t kiss you again, not unless you ask me to, but don’t you dare think I don’t want to.
Shakily, Dom nods.