somebody that I used to know
I have to keep this short because I’m already going to lose some sleep by writing this. It’s fairly common for me to be inspired to write a journal entry just as I should be falling asleep. I used to stay awake and write the entry anyway and make up the sleep later if I could. Now that I’m older, it’s more often that I decide to sleep instead of writing. I tell myself that I will write later, but later never seems to come, and the inspiration eventually fades away until another time when it would be more prudent to sleep.
This probably won’t be written as eloquently as I’d like, but I’m trying to find a middle ground between adequate sleep and doing what is important to me, like writing and journaling. Oh how I wish that painting could be done a little at a time more easily because I miss it so much. Perhaps one day I will finally find a balance where I don’t have to pull an all-nighter every time I want to spend time painting something undisturbed and in the spiritual way that I love so much. In all the years that I’ve been writing these entries though, I feel as though I’ve been searching and trying so hard to find the life balance that I crave. I never can seem to find it despite all my efforts. I suppose finally giving up this dream of the perfectly balanced life would be a logical thing to do, but I’d rather keep trying. Even if I don’t reach the balance I’m looking for, I’d like to get as close to it as I can. If I give up on my dreams, then what is the point of living really?
These past few years have been difficult. Most of my relationships have gone dormant or perhaps faded away completely. I suppose I will find out what is left of them when/if I reach out again. In some ways I don’t care what the outcome will be. I’ve found myself numb to the pains of loss in my life. It feels as though I’ve lost so much at this point that any new losses just seem redundant. I hope that it’s just because I’ve grown to accept loss as part of life.
I may have mentioned it already in a different entry, but I was listening to a monk speak about letting things go, and they said that people tend to think of letting things go as tossing them away, but all you really need to do is open your hand, and hold the thing out on your open palm. It’s free to go, but it can also choose to stay if you want it to. I’ve been trying to picture everything I have in my life as a butterfly resting on my open palm, free to fly away. I can enjoy its beauty and be grateful for its presence while it chooses to stay, but also accept that it will eventually fly away. When it finally does fly away I can admire it as it floats though the air into the distance. Seeing all that I have in this way makes me so much more grateful for what I have because I know that it can fly away at any time, and when they do finally fly away I am at peace instead of frantically trying to make it stay. And who knows, maybe it will fly back to me one day, even if it’s just for a moment. I definitely haven’t mastered this yet, but I don’t think anyone ever fully does. This actually wasn’t what I was going to write about though.
What I was going to write about is related though (in an indirect sort of way), so it’s good that I mentioned what I did. My thoughts aren’t complete about this so I’m hoping that it will make sense, but I think I have discovered something about love. In the past few years or so I’ve become a bit disenchanted with romantic love. The world has seemed a tiny bit less magical in that area. I considered the possibility that I never did have the romantic relationships that I thought I did. I used to imagine building a relationship with someone where we were so connected that it was like we were telepathic, and we would have such an understanding of each other that we always knew how the other was feeling, and communication flowed effortlessly. There was a point that I really thought I had that. Now I think that it may be possible that I never did, and if I did ever have that I definitely lost it. At this point it is highly unlikely that I will ever get that. I still believe that it is possible to be that close with someone though. I know my description sounds fictitious, but I think I do have a fairly realistic picture of this relationship in my head. I know that there would be conflict and misunderstandings from time to time, but there would still be that basic strong connection keeping us together underneath it all. If I had more time, I’d explain it in more detail, but I’ve already been writing for hours when I should have been only writing for a matter of minutes. Either way, I probably will have to stop this soon and pick it up again tomorrow.
Anyway, I was thinking about how I may not have ever had the romantic relationships that I thought, and I started to wonder where I was getting that vibrant feeling from before, complete with butterflies in my stomach, tingles, and blissful satisfaction. I came to realize that I was getting that feeling from myself. I was the one holding that magic all along.
Okay, it’s almost exactly 24 hours later now and I can’t sleep. I ended up watching an old video and I thought a lot about my past. Old videos like that really do make me believe that I truly did have that relationship I dreamed of. I think the thing that really stands out to me is that we accepted each other fully. We could share our most vulnerable, unsightly, and messy parts of ourselves and know that the other would respond authentically with love and acceptance. That’s what it felt like at least. Maybe I never had that. Watching old videos makes me feel like it was real though. Either way, I definitely don’t have that anymore.
I can feel the disgust and contempt that others have for me when they see me struggle with the unpleasant, messy, and difficult parts of myself. I’ve felt myself doing the same in return to both myself and others. Walls went up to protect feelings and I’m not sure if they will ever come down. When I do share my vulnerable parts, even if they aren’t the unpleasant type, I feel like they’re being met with judgement, mockery, and ridicule. These things spread like disease, and I find myself reacting in this way too, even if I don’t fully believe it deep down. I don’t want this in my life anymore. I want to live authentically and openly, and I want to approach everyone with complete love and acceptance, even if they’re not able to give me the same in return.
I’ve made so many huge mistakes in my relationships. I’ve unintentionally destroyed everything and everyone in my path. When I tried to fix things they only got worse. I suppose I’ve ended up with exactly what I deserve. I don’t think I’ll ever have a relationship like I believed I had before. The Lonely by Christina Perri just came on (I am listening to music quietly on shuffle while I write this), and the accuracy with which it is describing my current feeling is uncanny. I think as far as romantic relationships go at least, I am going to be incredibly lonely, probably for the rest of my life. Like all the other losses I’ve endured, I think I just need to accept that. I’ll leave my palm open just in case that butterfly wants to come back to land on my hand once again, but I’m pretty sure I’ve scared it away forever.
Despite all that I’ve lost though, I’m aware that I still have so much. I know that I am loved, I have my health, food, clean water, fresh air to breathe, physical safety, and shelter. From this place of abundance I need to start over and try again to be the person that I want to be. I feel good about where I am headed. I’m feeling more like myself again. I can feel my inner flame growing. I am ready to live my life authentically and treat everyone with the love and acceptance that they all need, including myself. I think I was right when I said before that I am the one that holds the magic and that vibrant feeling that I used to think came from something or someone outside myself. I think that sometimes other people can help us find that inner light, but ultimately it comes from within.
Just in case the person reading this is someone I’ve hurt, I have a message for you:
Thank you so very much for all the special memories we’ve created together; I will treasure them always. I’m so so sorry for all the hurt and pain that I have caused you. I miss you in my life.
PS: the arm dude's name is: "mistakes"
This probably won’t be written as eloquently as I’d like, but I’m trying to find a middle ground between adequate sleep and doing what is important to me, like writing and journaling. Oh how I wish that painting could be done a little at a time more easily because I miss it so much. Perhaps one day I will finally find a balance where I don’t have to pull an all-nighter every time I want to spend time painting something undisturbed and in the spiritual way that I love so much. In all the years that I’ve been writing these entries though, I feel as though I’ve been searching and trying so hard to find the life balance that I crave. I never can seem to find it despite all my efforts. I suppose finally giving up this dream of the perfectly balanced life would be a logical thing to do, but I’d rather keep trying. Even if I don’t reach the balance I’m looking for, I’d like to get as close to it as I can. If I give up on my dreams, then what is the point of living really?
These past few years have been difficult. Most of my relationships have gone dormant or perhaps faded away completely. I suppose I will find out what is left of them when/if I reach out again. In some ways I don’t care what the outcome will be. I’ve found myself numb to the pains of loss in my life. It feels as though I’ve lost so much at this point that any new losses just seem redundant. I hope that it’s just because I’ve grown to accept loss as part of life.
I may have mentioned it already in a different entry, but I was listening to a monk speak about letting things go, and they said that people tend to think of letting things go as tossing them away, but all you really need to do is open your hand, and hold the thing out on your open palm. It’s free to go, but it can also choose to stay if you want it to. I’ve been trying to picture everything I have in my life as a butterfly resting on my open palm, free to fly away. I can enjoy its beauty and be grateful for its presence while it chooses to stay, but also accept that it will eventually fly away. When it finally does fly away I can admire it as it floats though the air into the distance. Seeing all that I have in this way makes me so much more grateful for what I have because I know that it can fly away at any time, and when they do finally fly away I am at peace instead of frantically trying to make it stay. And who knows, maybe it will fly back to me one day, even if it’s just for a moment. I definitely haven’t mastered this yet, but I don’t think anyone ever fully does. This actually wasn’t what I was going to write about though.
What I was going to write about is related though (in an indirect sort of way), so it’s good that I mentioned what I did. My thoughts aren’t complete about this so I’m hoping that it will make sense, but I think I have discovered something about love. In the past few years or so I’ve become a bit disenchanted with romantic love. The world has seemed a tiny bit less magical in that area. I considered the possibility that I never did have the romantic relationships that I thought I did. I used to imagine building a relationship with someone where we were so connected that it was like we were telepathic, and we would have such an understanding of each other that we always knew how the other was feeling, and communication flowed effortlessly. There was a point that I really thought I had that. Now I think that it may be possible that I never did, and if I did ever have that I definitely lost it. At this point it is highly unlikely that I will ever get that. I still believe that it is possible to be that close with someone though. I know my description sounds fictitious, but I think I do have a fairly realistic picture of this relationship in my head. I know that there would be conflict and misunderstandings from time to time, but there would still be that basic strong connection keeping us together underneath it all. If I had more time, I’d explain it in more detail, but I’ve already been writing for hours when I should have been only writing for a matter of minutes. Either way, I probably will have to stop this soon and pick it up again tomorrow.
Anyway, I was thinking about how I may not have ever had the romantic relationships that I thought, and I started to wonder where I was getting that vibrant feeling from before, complete with butterflies in my stomach, tingles, and blissful satisfaction. I came to realize that I was getting that feeling from myself. I was the one holding that magic all along.
Okay, it’s almost exactly 24 hours later now and I can’t sleep. I ended up watching an old video and I thought a lot about my past. Old videos like that really do make me believe that I truly did have that relationship I dreamed of. I think the thing that really stands out to me is that we accepted each other fully. We could share our most vulnerable, unsightly, and messy parts of ourselves and know that the other would respond authentically with love and acceptance. That’s what it felt like at least. Maybe I never had that. Watching old videos makes me feel like it was real though. Either way, I definitely don’t have that anymore.
I can feel the disgust and contempt that others have for me when they see me struggle with the unpleasant, messy, and difficult parts of myself. I’ve felt myself doing the same in return to both myself and others. Walls went up to protect feelings and I’m not sure if they will ever come down. When I do share my vulnerable parts, even if they aren’t the unpleasant type, I feel like they’re being met with judgement, mockery, and ridicule. These things spread like disease, and I find myself reacting in this way too, even if I don’t fully believe it deep down. I don’t want this in my life anymore. I want to live authentically and openly, and I want to approach everyone with complete love and acceptance, even if they’re not able to give me the same in return.
I’ve made so many huge mistakes in my relationships. I’ve unintentionally destroyed everything and everyone in my path. When I tried to fix things they only got worse. I suppose I’ve ended up with exactly what I deserve. I don’t think I’ll ever have a relationship like I believed I had before. The Lonely by Christina Perri just came on (I am listening to music quietly on shuffle while I write this), and the accuracy with which it is describing my current feeling is uncanny. I think as far as romantic relationships go at least, I am going to be incredibly lonely, probably for the rest of my life. Like all the other losses I’ve endured, I think I just need to accept that. I’ll leave my palm open just in case that butterfly wants to come back to land on my hand once again, but I’m pretty sure I’ve scared it away forever.
Despite all that I’ve lost though, I’m aware that I still have so much. I know that I am loved, I have my health, food, clean water, fresh air to breathe, physical safety, and shelter. From this place of abundance I need to start over and try again to be the person that I want to be. I feel good about where I am headed. I’m feeling more like myself again. I can feel my inner flame growing. I am ready to live my life authentically and treat everyone with the love and acceptance that they all need, including myself. I think I was right when I said before that I am the one that holds the magic and that vibrant feeling that I used to think came from something or someone outside myself. I think that sometimes other people can help us find that inner light, but ultimately it comes from within.
Just in case the person reading this is someone I’ve hurt, I have a message for you:
Thank you so very much for all the special memories we’ve created together; I will treasure them always. I’m so so sorry for all the hurt and pain that I have caused you. I miss you in my life.
PS: the arm dude's name is: "mistakes"