I'm not the same
Yay, I finally remembered to post before midnight! It will probably be after midnight once I get everything written and posted though. Sorry that I haven’t updated in so long. I was working on a long entry for quite some time, and then decided not to post it after all since it ended up getting a little too personal for the internet. ...then I just sorta got out of the habit of posting every week. I’m going to try posting weekly again. Maybe the habit will stick for longer this time. Anyhoo, moving on...
So I was thinking the other day that nobody really truly knows me, and most don’t seem to want to know me either. This was both a bit sad and comforting/freeing all at the same time. Sad because I felt alone, but comforting/freeing because I don’t have much to lose by being my authentic self. I’ve been afraid to do anything that goes outside what I think others are comfortable with me doing. I’m censoring myself all the time to the point where I feel trapped. I used to feel more free to be myself, but I’ve learned so much about myself since then, and my beliefs don’t fit into the social norms of the people in my life as much as they used to. There was never a time when I felt safe to fully be my authentic self though.
It’s scary/intimidating, but I’ve decided that I’m not going to hide myself away anymore. I’m going to live more authentically from now on and deal/live with the consequences that come with that. I have a belief that it will improve my life in the long run. I guess we’ll see how that goes. That is, if I can actually follow through with the being my authentic self thing. It’s a difficult change to make after spending my entire life suppressing parts of myself.
In other news, I’m still feeling trapped by my possessions. Thankfully I’ve been able to ship some things off to the thrift store recently, but the pandemic is making it more difficult. November isn’t all that far away now, and I’m nowhere close to having my possessions down to what will fit in a hippie van. I guess I was also naive enough to think that the pandemic would be more or less over by now. I’m curious to know what things will be like a year from now. Anyway, getting back to the stuff, I’ve been working on sending off at least one box of stuff to the thrift store every week. I figure it’s much more than I bring in every week, so if I keep it up, I’m bound to get down to a manageable amount of possessions eventually.
I’m trying to spend the majority of my time cleaning and organizing too, but it’s been so hard lately because I’ve been so tired. I haven’t been sleeping amazingly. I’m often getting up to pee several times a night, or I can’t sleep because I have heartburn, or my roommates are awake early and being disruptive when I’m trying to get some sleep, etc. Not to mention, late at night seems to be the only time when I can actually get some quiet and alone time without someone interrupting me (as always). No loud neighbours, no ringing telephone, no noisy vehicles, animals, or kids outside, no roommates coming around getting in my space against my will or trying to talk to me when I’m in the middle of stuff. It’s so much easier to find peace at night when I can just be with myself and not have to worry about getting disrupted.
Anyway, speaking of being tired, I think I’m going to post this now. I really need some sleep.
Emotionally: irritated
Spiritually: good
Physically: exhausted
Color: I am red today (hopping mad like a playground ball)
Last week’s goal: I have been doing snail mail lately
This week’s goal: Get more sleep
PS: the arm dude's name is: "transparent"
So I was thinking the other day that nobody really truly knows me, and most don’t seem to want to know me either. This was both a bit sad and comforting/freeing all at the same time. Sad because I felt alone, but comforting/freeing because I don’t have much to lose by being my authentic self. I’ve been afraid to do anything that goes outside what I think others are comfortable with me doing. I’m censoring myself all the time to the point where I feel trapped. I used to feel more free to be myself, but I’ve learned so much about myself since then, and my beliefs don’t fit into the social norms of the people in my life as much as they used to. There was never a time when I felt safe to fully be my authentic self though.
It’s scary/intimidating, but I’ve decided that I’m not going to hide myself away anymore. I’m going to live more authentically from now on and deal/live with the consequences that come with that. I have a belief that it will improve my life in the long run. I guess we’ll see how that goes. That is, if I can actually follow through with the being my authentic self thing. It’s a difficult change to make after spending my entire life suppressing parts of myself.
In other news, I’m still feeling trapped by my possessions. Thankfully I’ve been able to ship some things off to the thrift store recently, but the pandemic is making it more difficult. November isn’t all that far away now, and I’m nowhere close to having my possessions down to what will fit in a hippie van. I guess I was also naive enough to think that the pandemic would be more or less over by now. I’m curious to know what things will be like a year from now. Anyway, getting back to the stuff, I’ve been working on sending off at least one box of stuff to the thrift store every week. I figure it’s much more than I bring in every week, so if I keep it up, I’m bound to get down to a manageable amount of possessions eventually.
I’m trying to spend the majority of my time cleaning and organizing too, but it’s been so hard lately because I’ve been so tired. I haven’t been sleeping amazingly. I’m often getting up to pee several times a night, or I can’t sleep because I have heartburn, or my roommates are awake early and being disruptive when I’m trying to get some sleep, etc. Not to mention, late at night seems to be the only time when I can actually get some quiet and alone time without someone interrupting me (as always). No loud neighbours, no ringing telephone, no noisy vehicles, animals, or kids outside, no roommates coming around getting in my space against my will or trying to talk to me when I’m in the middle of stuff. It’s so much easier to find peace at night when I can just be with myself and not have to worry about getting disrupted.
Anyway, speaking of being tired, I think I’m going to post this now. I really need some sleep.
Emotionally: irritated
Spiritually: good
Physically: exhausted
Color: I am red today (hopping mad like a playground ball)
Last week’s goal: I have been doing snail mail lately
This week’s goal: Get more sleep
PS: the arm dude's name is: "transparent"