So unreal....
I walk around thinking that everything will be alright. I'm not sure if I can keep my head up and a smile on my face. I just want to curl up and cry. Cry till there is nothing left. I feel like even tears won't make life any different. I don't want it to be real. I want to wake up from this nightmare. But I knew it was coming...but still it doesn't help. I want to be there as much as I can. Like I wish I could stay there every day and night. Be right by her side. But I can't. And it hurts more than anyone can understand. She gets so sad bc she wants us all to be together. She is the only reason why everyone ever saw each other anyways. She was strong for all of us. And now...I don't know. I'm glad we went on Saturday to see her but it hurt worse than I thought. I thought I could be strong and be there for her. But I can't. I had to walk out of the room to not let her see me cry. I don't want her to see me sad. I want her to remember me as being happy. I'm scared. I'm not sure what it's going to be like without her. My life is going to change. Its going to feel empty. She was that person I could always count on for everything. We could talk to each other about movies and still have the same opinions. Its weird how two people from different generations could see the same way. She was always so welcoming to everyone she met. She didn't care if you were different or like everyone else she would always welcome you with open arms. Life is going to be different...and it makes me sad that people are just living...gosh I just want to restart everything. I want to go back and find easter eggs and go swimming, go to the cabin...gosh I just want christmas back and birthday cakes, the spaghetti company, and tuna casserole. Why do good people have to go through so much pain...it makes no sense to me. I love you! I'm glad I am going to see you again. I've been thinking about things all day to talk to you about. I just want you to know that I love you. Gosh I'm scared...I'm not strong enough. Well, life isn't going to be good enough anymore...but you will give me the strength to live on...