New Beginnings... An update
The biggest news of this post is that I will be moving to Indiana. I leave California on August 29th so you better believe there will be a going away party night of August 28th. I'm not sure of the exact location yet, but please mark your calendars. I would *love* to see as many people as possible before I go :)
I didn't go into much detail in my last post, but I did go to Indiana immediately following handling my dad's arrangements. It was a trip I originally planned in February with a dual purpose of one - seeing Ben Folds (because ummmm it's Ben Folds dur) and two finally meeting Rob. *The* Rob. *This* Rob. I know, I know. When I booked the trip I don't know what I was thinking other than it would be a fun weekend and perhaps I'd have some answers and know a little more about myself. I didn't tell anyone about the Rob part of the trip because 3 years ago I went to Indiana to meet him and he was a no show (it was still a great trip and retrospectively I'm glad things happened the way they did).
At any rate... it all changed when I found out about my dad. Rob asked if I wanted to cancel the trip and said he would completely understand. I thought about it, but in the end decided that I really needed something happy to look forward to at the end of all this and if I canceled the trip at that point it would just be money wasted. Every day between the day I found out that my dad had passed until I saw him in person, I talked to Rob two or three times a day. He was the only one I could talk to at that point. He really calmed me (as much as one could be calm) and when I wanted to talk about my feelings or what was happening, he listened. When I didn't want to talk about anything to do w/ death or my dad, he filled the silences with anecdotes about something going on in his family or something that happened at work. I had never met him and yet I desired nothing more than to seek comfort in his arms. Instead of flying back to California only to turn around within 24 hours and fly to Indiana, I flew straight from Florida to Chicago (where he was teaching a class). Really the change fee wasn't bad at all. This time he showed up. We spent 5 days together where he just let me be myself. We did laundry together, we drove. He held me as I've never been held before. He showed me Brown County State Park and took me to meet his parents. I introduced him to dunkin' donuts iced coffee. He didn't push me to talk to fill the silences when I was lost in my thoughts. When I was sad thinking about my father, tears ran down his cheeks. I have never experienced such an intense range of emotions in such a short time going from the utter emptiness and devastation I was feeling at losing my father to an overwhelming feeling of love from meeting Rob. The sad thing was that Rob is the one guy I wanted my dad to meet. The bittersweet of the situation is that I know I would not have been emotionally available to let Rob in had I not been completely devastated and my walls not completely crumbled over my dad.
I came back to California thinking that I would work for Lime for maybe another year before either transferring and working out of Chicago or just flat out re-locating and finding a new job in Indiana. When I was laid off a week after I got back, there was nothing to hold me here. I went out to Indiana again in May for a race that Rob was taking part in. He decided not to run that weekend, but we volunteered at the race and I met some of his friends. My flight into Indy was more than 9 hours later than my original flight and I felt cheated of time from an already short weekend. We had decided that I would move to Indiana in October and beat the winter. In June Rob came out to California for a weekend and met a lot of my friends. He took my our cat, Smokey, back with him on the plane. As I watched them go through security I couldn't stop the tears. It took me a good 15 minutes and my friend Marcella talking to me for me to calm down enough to drive home. The mid-October became late August and that's where I'm at right now. I still have to square some things up before I leave including my stuff in storage in Long Beach. Anyone need any furniture?
Right now I'm just trying to get things together. I'm moving what will fit in my car and that's it. This will be a very cathartic experience and truly a new beginning for me. I'm ironing out details of where I'll be living when I move out there. It is important to both Rob and I that we not live together right away. While we've had something going on for 5 years off and on... our relationship as it is right now is very new. I'm not about to put the stress of living together on it as well. This is too important to both of us - we don't want to screw it up. Right now I'll be in Indiana from July 20-29 at which point I hope to have at least 3 options of places to live and visit them and find the best match. So far I have two potential places. As well I will be applying for jobs and have already started. Then Rob will fly out (hopefully on the 27th of August) and we'll drive back to Indiana together.
I've lived in California for the past almost 6 years. Making a big decision like this is really hard without my dad's opinion. I've been missing him a lot lately ever since father's day. I feel like there's no one left to believe in me or to be proud of me. There's no one to question what I'm doing or what I'm going to do. There's no one to tell me to chase my dreams. There is, but it's not the same. At this point I would even settle for him reading me the riot act. I miss him so much and I can count the days I haven't cried in the past month on one hand. I just want someone to hold me while I cry myself to sleep and yet the one person I want to hold me is geographically unavailable. I purposefully scheduled to be in Indiana for my dad's birthday (July 27th). I've been in some very dark places that I haven't been in in a long time. I've had suicidal thoughts running rampant, but I haven't acted on them nor do I plan to. It's just hard. I mean... all my life I grew up thinking that I'd never have to experience the loss of so many of my family members. *I* was supposed to die before the age of 10. I wasn't supposed to live to graduate high school. Why am *I* still here and fairly healthy? Why have I seen so much death? I've seen the death stains on the floor where my father's body was found. I watched life support monitors flatline as my uncle was given morphine and 'unplugged'. I held on to Mum's (mom #3) hand while she, in a catatonic state, gasped for air to fill her cancer riddled lungs. I've attended more funerals than I have weddings or graduations or baby showers. Hi. I'm the one that grew up "terminally ill". When does this terminal end? Can I have survivor's guilt for a party of 10?
Medically speaking, I'm doing well. I've been off of all meds since October. It originally started because I started missing meds due to work and decided to stop all together rather than risk developing a resistance to any of the meds. I got my labs done in April and every month since my viral load is under 1000 (which is ridiculously low) and my t-cell count is stable in the 300's which is fine for me. I really haven't been sick all year. I'll continue to monitor my labs and go back on meds once my numbers start going south. I must say though, ever since the age of 5 I was supposed to take meds. There were times in my teen years that I purposely skipped meds and did it intermittently w/ out the doctor's knowledge and developed resistance. It is *really* such an amazing feeling to be off meds and having the doctors *know* I'm off meds and actually agree with my reasoning / not worried about how things are progressing. I actually *have* an immune system. Who knew?
TL;DR - Moving to Indiana, Going away party *August 28*, I <3 Rob, Losing my dad still sucks, blahblahblah woe is me, I am healthy and continue to be a medical oddity.
I didn't go into much detail in my last post, but I did go to Indiana immediately following handling my dad's arrangements. It was a trip I originally planned in February with a dual purpose of one - seeing Ben Folds (because ummmm it's Ben Folds dur) and two finally meeting Rob. *The* Rob. *This* Rob. I know, I know. When I booked the trip I don't know what I was thinking other than it would be a fun weekend and perhaps I'd have some answers and know a little more about myself. I didn't tell anyone about the Rob part of the trip because 3 years ago I went to Indiana to meet him and he was a no show (it was still a great trip and retrospectively I'm glad things happened the way they did).
At any rate... it all changed when I found out about my dad. Rob asked if I wanted to cancel the trip and said he would completely understand. I thought about it, but in the end decided that I really needed something happy to look forward to at the end of all this and if I canceled the trip at that point it would just be money wasted. Every day between the day I found out that my dad had passed until I saw him in person, I talked to Rob two or three times a day. He was the only one I could talk to at that point. He really calmed me (as much as one could be calm) and when I wanted to talk about my feelings or what was happening, he listened. When I didn't want to talk about anything to do w/ death or my dad, he filled the silences with anecdotes about something going on in his family or something that happened at work. I had never met him and yet I desired nothing more than to seek comfort in his arms. Instead of flying back to California only to turn around within 24 hours and fly to Indiana, I flew straight from Florida to Chicago (where he was teaching a class). Really the change fee wasn't bad at all. This time he showed up. We spent 5 days together where he just let me be myself. We did laundry together, we drove. He held me as I've never been held before. He showed me Brown County State Park and took me to meet his parents. I introduced him to dunkin' donuts iced coffee. He didn't push me to talk to fill the silences when I was lost in my thoughts. When I was sad thinking about my father, tears ran down his cheeks. I have never experienced such an intense range of emotions in such a short time going from the utter emptiness and devastation I was feeling at losing my father to an overwhelming feeling of love from meeting Rob. The sad thing was that Rob is the one guy I wanted my dad to meet. The bittersweet of the situation is that I know I would not have been emotionally available to let Rob in had I not been completely devastated and my walls not completely crumbled over my dad.
I came back to California thinking that I would work for Lime for maybe another year before either transferring and working out of Chicago or just flat out re-locating and finding a new job in Indiana. When I was laid off a week after I got back, there was nothing to hold me here. I went out to Indiana again in May for a race that Rob was taking part in. He decided not to run that weekend, but we volunteered at the race and I met some of his friends. My flight into Indy was more than 9 hours later than my original flight and I felt cheated of time from an already short weekend. We had decided that I would move to Indiana in October and beat the winter. In June Rob came out to California for a weekend and met a lot of my friends. He took my our cat, Smokey, back with him on the plane. As I watched them go through security I couldn't stop the tears. It took me a good 15 minutes and my friend Marcella talking to me for me to calm down enough to drive home. The mid-October became late August and that's where I'm at right now. I still have to square some things up before I leave including my stuff in storage in Long Beach. Anyone need any furniture?
Right now I'm just trying to get things together. I'm moving what will fit in my car and that's it. This will be a very cathartic experience and truly a new beginning for me. I'm ironing out details of where I'll be living when I move out there. It is important to both Rob and I that we not live together right away. While we've had something going on for 5 years off and on... our relationship as it is right now is very new. I'm not about to put the stress of living together on it as well. This is too important to both of us - we don't want to screw it up. Right now I'll be in Indiana from July 20-29 at which point I hope to have at least 3 options of places to live and visit them and find the best match. So far I have two potential places. As well I will be applying for jobs and have already started. Then Rob will fly out (hopefully on the 27th of August) and we'll drive back to Indiana together.
I've lived in California for the past almost 6 years. Making a big decision like this is really hard without my dad's opinion. I've been missing him a lot lately ever since father's day. I feel like there's no one left to believe in me or to be proud of me. There's no one to question what I'm doing or what I'm going to do. There's no one to tell me to chase my dreams. There is, but it's not the same. At this point I would even settle for him reading me the riot act. I miss him so much and I can count the days I haven't cried in the past month on one hand. I just want someone to hold me while I cry myself to sleep and yet the one person I want to hold me is geographically unavailable. I purposefully scheduled to be in Indiana for my dad's birthday (July 27th). I've been in some very dark places that I haven't been in in a long time. I've had suicidal thoughts running rampant, but I haven't acted on them nor do I plan to. It's just hard. I mean... all my life I grew up thinking that I'd never have to experience the loss of so many of my family members. *I* was supposed to die before the age of 10. I wasn't supposed to live to graduate high school. Why am *I* still here and fairly healthy? Why have I seen so much death? I've seen the death stains on the floor where my father's body was found. I watched life support monitors flatline as my uncle was given morphine and 'unplugged'. I held on to Mum's (mom #3) hand while she, in a catatonic state, gasped for air to fill her cancer riddled lungs. I've attended more funerals than I have weddings or graduations or baby showers. Hi. I'm the one that grew up "terminally ill". When does this terminal end? Can I have survivor's guilt for a party of 10?
Medically speaking, I'm doing well. I've been off of all meds since October. It originally started because I started missing meds due to work and decided to stop all together rather than risk developing a resistance to any of the meds. I got my labs done in April and every month since my viral load is under 1000 (which is ridiculously low) and my t-cell count is stable in the 300's which is fine for me. I really haven't been sick all year. I'll continue to monitor my labs and go back on meds once my numbers start going south. I must say though, ever since the age of 5 I was supposed to take meds. There were times in my teen years that I purposely skipped meds and did it intermittently w/ out the doctor's knowledge and developed resistance. It is *really* such an amazing feeling to be off meds and having the doctors *know* I'm off meds and actually agree with my reasoning / not worried about how things are progressing. I actually *have* an immune system. Who knew?
TL;DR - Moving to Indiana, Going away party *August 28*, I <3 Rob, Losing my dad still sucks, blahblahblah woe is me, I am healthy and continue to be a medical oddity.