(no subject)
I can't stand feeling like i feel right now. I am so sad. I've never felt this way before.
Losing Timmy has effected me more than i'd ever imagined possible. The closeness we had was like none i've ever had before. He was there for me when I had to go identify my dad's body and we've just become inseperable. I ache all over. I can't sleep, i can't eat, i can't stop crying. I've lost loved ones before but have never experienced anything like this.
I try to think of positive things but its so hard.
I do want to thank everyone who has been there for me and helped me during this horrible time.
I just don't know what to do.
The wake is tonight and I have to go alone. I have noone to watch PJ either and i really dont think he needs to go. I keep thinking I'm going to look out my window and see my Big-Un pulling up. I keep looking at the door, waiting for him to come in...waiting.
Every morning, he'd comeover and wake me up, stay with me till I had to go to work and then come back afterwards. He was the first person I saw (other than my family) in the morning and the last person I saw (or talked to) at night. He was an amazing person with a heart of gold.
We'd just spent the most incredible day together on Friday. I keep telling myself at least we had that. We were able to confide in eachother what we couldnt confide in anyone else. He knew I loved him and I knew he loved me. He told me all the time. It was so great knowing he was there for me no matter what. I dont think i'll ever get over this.
Our memories are what has kept me going. It's just so hard. So unfair. I can still smell his cologne in my house. I can still hear his voice. I can still feel his big ol' bear hug picking me up and squeezing me tight. He gave the best hugs. It's because I knew the feeling behind the hug was true and real.
He is always going to be in my heart and on my mind. He touched my life as well as that of many many others.
His son Quinton is 4. He is taking it really hard. He kisses the picture i took of him and his dad every time he sees it. Timmy was the best dad. His entire world revolved around his son. Parrish is torn in pieces too. He loved Big-Un so much. After my dad died, he just clung to Timmy. Now, he's lost him too. It's so hard to explain to the little ones. Hell its impossible for me to explain it to myself. I wish I could bring him back--i'd give anything to do so.
Mel said that god has a reason for everything. I just want to know what good reason he had for taking my Big-Un. For taking Quinton's daddy, Mrs weezie and mr dennis' son, todds brother...everyones friend. You see, there is no good reason. There just isn't. I'm sorry if that offends anyone who reads this but honestly that's just the way i feel. Some god huh?
And please don't anyone quote any bible versus or preach to me for feeling this way. I mean i appreciate everyone trying to ease my pain by telling me how happy timmy is now and how great it must be in heaven. It was great sitting by eachother on my couch watching tv. it was great taking tke kids bowling, it was great having Timmy hear with me. It's not great at all that he's gone...for whatever reason. It's just not fair.
Sorry for the ramblings, its all i can do not to just crawl in bed and not get out so i'm hoping talking about it helps.
Losing Timmy has effected me more than i'd ever imagined possible. The closeness we had was like none i've ever had before. He was there for me when I had to go identify my dad's body and we've just become inseperable. I ache all over. I can't sleep, i can't eat, i can't stop crying. I've lost loved ones before but have never experienced anything like this.
I try to think of positive things but its so hard.
I do want to thank everyone who has been there for me and helped me during this horrible time.
I just don't know what to do.
The wake is tonight and I have to go alone. I have noone to watch PJ either and i really dont think he needs to go. I keep thinking I'm going to look out my window and see my Big-Un pulling up. I keep looking at the door, waiting for him to come in...waiting.
Every morning, he'd comeover and wake me up, stay with me till I had to go to work and then come back afterwards. He was the first person I saw (other than my family) in the morning and the last person I saw (or talked to) at night. He was an amazing person with a heart of gold.
We'd just spent the most incredible day together on Friday. I keep telling myself at least we had that. We were able to confide in eachother what we couldnt confide in anyone else. He knew I loved him and I knew he loved me. He told me all the time. It was so great knowing he was there for me no matter what. I dont think i'll ever get over this.
Our memories are what has kept me going. It's just so hard. So unfair. I can still smell his cologne in my house. I can still hear his voice. I can still feel his big ol' bear hug picking me up and squeezing me tight. He gave the best hugs. It's because I knew the feeling behind the hug was true and real.
He is always going to be in my heart and on my mind. He touched my life as well as that of many many others.
His son Quinton is 4. He is taking it really hard. He kisses the picture i took of him and his dad every time he sees it. Timmy was the best dad. His entire world revolved around his son. Parrish is torn in pieces too. He loved Big-Un so much. After my dad died, he just clung to Timmy. Now, he's lost him too. It's so hard to explain to the little ones. Hell its impossible for me to explain it to myself. I wish I could bring him back--i'd give anything to do so.
Mel said that god has a reason for everything. I just want to know what good reason he had for taking my Big-Un. For taking Quinton's daddy, Mrs weezie and mr dennis' son, todds brother...everyones friend. You see, there is no good reason. There just isn't. I'm sorry if that offends anyone who reads this but honestly that's just the way i feel. Some god huh?
And please don't anyone quote any bible versus or preach to me for feeling this way. I mean i appreciate everyone trying to ease my pain by telling me how happy timmy is now and how great it must be in heaven. It was great sitting by eachother on my couch watching tv. it was great taking tke kids bowling, it was great having Timmy hear with me. It's not great at all that he's gone...for whatever reason. It's just not fair.
Sorry for the ramblings, its all i can do not to just crawl in bed and not get out so i'm hoping talking about it helps.