The Lion King II: Simba's Pride - The Commentary
Just derping around, watching The Lion King II: Simba's Pride. And I'm watching alone, so I can't really help the random thoughts that come out during the movie. Instead of just laughing at myself, I figured I might as well share it with people. But updating my Facebook status every 5 minutes with something about a Disney movie would get kinda annoying for some of my friends (even though there's such a thing as unsubscribe), so I decided to move it to my LJ.
First, a quote from Timon that legit made me LOL:
"That's not a king; that's a fuzzy maraca."
Rafiki: Oh, Mufasa, you've been up there too long. Your head is in the clouds!
Mufasa: No shit, monkey. Now get my granddaughter to hook up with that little black kid.
WAT.
That awkward moment when Kiara is that chick from Scream and Kovu is Goofy's son. :|
That awkward moment when Timon talks about beepers.
That awkward moment when the lions' eyes change color throughout the film. First Nala (from the first movie; green to blue), now Vitani (purple to brown to indigo).
Surefire way of seducing a princess: traumatizing her with fire. :D
Of course you're getting nightmares, Simba. You've got a freaking stalker sleeping at your doorstep. :|
Why does Kiara know what a bunny looks like? D:
That's right, Simba. Just what any father would do: stare at his daughter while she's cuddling with a mysterious bad boy and talk to your dead father afterwards. Even better if said dead father is Darth Vader.
Simba: I was seeking council from the great kings.
Nala: Did they help?
Simba: *sigh* Silent as stars.
Well, he did say the great kings were up there in the stars. And stars are pretty quiet. Maybe you become mute when you die?
Upendi. I WAS HIGH THE ENTIRE TIME.
Baboons are totally the highest matchmakers/wingmen EVER.
"IN UPENDIIII! We gotta worry OraCare." WHAT.
Moral of the story: LOVE MAKES YOU HIGH. DON'T FALL IN LOVE, YOU WILL HALLUCINATE.
OH GOD THEY WENT HOME AT DAWN. WHAT DID THEY DO? D:
Simba: It's kinda cold tongiht, huh?
THE SUN IS COMING UP, SIMBA. WHAT ARE YOU SAYING. :|
That's right, Simba, bring the outsider into the ROOM FULL OF LIONESSES. PIMPS DON'T HELP OTHER GUYS BECOME PIMPS, BRO.
SIMBA, WHY DO YOU WINK? YOU JUST REMINDED ME OF THAT DANDY KING FROM THE THREE MUSKETEERS. REALLY, SIMBA, WHY ARE YOU SO GAY IN THIS MOVIE?
SIMBA AND KOVU MAN-DATE. Always looked at it that way, ever since I first saw that movie.
Zira finds out Kovu's gay.
Le gay NOOO!
Kovu: STOP ATTACKING MY BOYFRIEND, MOM!
Nuka. :(
Lol, nougat. XD
Kiara: Father? Father! Zazu, get help.
Zazu: Oh yes, help! At once! Of course!
Kiara: No, Zazu. I was being sarcastic. :|
REALLY, ZAZU? REALLY? :|
Zira, the stagemom.
Simba: EXILE!
[Enter song.]
WAT.
Retake # 1:
Simba: EXILE!
[Enter song.]
Ostriches headbutt Kovu.
Simba said to exile him, not to bully him. :|
Retake # 2:
Simba: EXILE!
[Enter song.]
Monkeys stone Kovu to death.
HOW THE FUCK IS THAT EXILE? o.O
Retake # 3:
Simba: EXILE!
[Enter song.]
Kovu runs away.
Birds poop on his face.
Animals: He is not one of us!
The animals singing are: hippo, giraffe, antelope, zebra.
DUH, HE'S A LION, FOR FUCK'S SAKE. :|
Don't worry, Kovu. On the plus side, Scar was sexy. And that scar makes you pretty sexy too. :)
Simba's pride and kingdom--the ultimate cockblockers (apart from Zuko, of course).
Simba: From now on, you will not leave Pride Rock without an escort.
Correction: Simba--the ultimate cockblocker. (Just cuz no one cockblocked him on his first one-night stand. >.>)
And now Kiara will never get a boyfriend.
You start to wonder if all the other lionesses are single too. D: SIMBA THE PIMPINGEST.
Love Will Find a Way: the summary.
When you're "suddenly" single, everything you see has something to do with love and being in a couple.
Totally true.
Tiny weed moves. Kiara smiles, hoping that it's Kovu. Frog comes out.
How small do you think Kovu is? Really, Kiara? Really? :|
Kovu: Let's get out of here. We'll run away together! And start a pride, all on our own. ;)
OH MY GOD KOVU NOT IN FRONT OF THE KIDS
Zira: WE LIKE TO WALK THROUGH MUD AND GET DIRTY BEFORE A BATTLE.
How convenient, wearing a uniform so we can tell you apart from the good guys. And to prevent friendly fire. :)
Zira: It's over, Simba! I have dreamed of nothing else for years.
Timon: Boy, does she need a hobby.
TOO MUCH LOVE FOR THE LITTLE MEERKAT~
Zira: Break his jaw!
Outland lioness punches prideland lioness in the jaw.
ZIRA, THAT IS A WOMAN. :|
Vitani: Where's your pretty daughter, Nala?
Nala: Vitani!
Nala, Vitani isn't a place. :| Kiara is not in Vitani. That would be creepy. :|
Random lioness: BUT VITANI, STOP MAKING ME SO LESBIAN.
WAT.
Kiara: Look at them, they ARE us. What differences do you see?
Well, for one, they're much skinnier than you guys. And Simba's a guy, but that difference only applies to him. Their skin is also much grayer.
Kiara: Zira! Give me your paw.
Zira reaches out to her.
Zira: Bitch, I just did and you pulled it back.
Clearly, Zira's so skinny she can't even sheathe her claws. And that's why she died.
Moral of the story: Being skinny will lead to your undoing.
After Zira dies, Kiara and Kovu hug. But bro, your mom just died. :|
At the end, the four main lions roar. Animals cheer.
Kovu: Bitches, you threw rocks and headbutted me and now you cheer for me?
Much love there.
And that's pretty much it. :3 Hopefully, I'll be able to get the Kiara tune out of my head. Eventually. ^ _ ^ ;
First, a quote from Timon that legit made me LOL:
"That's not a king; that's a fuzzy maraca."
Rafiki: Oh, Mufasa, you've been up there too long. Your head is in the clouds!
Mufasa: No shit, monkey. Now get my granddaughter to hook up with that little black kid.
WAT.
That awkward moment when Kiara is that chick from Scream and Kovu is Goofy's son. :|
That awkward moment when Timon talks about beepers.
That awkward moment when the lions' eyes change color throughout the film. First Nala (from the first movie; green to blue), now Vitani (purple to brown to indigo).
Surefire way of seducing a princess: traumatizing her with fire. :D
Of course you're getting nightmares, Simba. You've got a freaking stalker sleeping at your doorstep. :|
Why does Kiara know what a bunny looks like? D:
That's right, Simba. Just what any father would do: stare at his daughter while she's cuddling with a mysterious bad boy and talk to your dead father afterwards. Even better if said dead father is Darth Vader.
Simba: I was seeking council from the great kings.
Nala: Did they help?
Simba: *sigh* Silent as stars.
Well, he did say the great kings were up there in the stars. And stars are pretty quiet. Maybe you become mute when you die?
Upendi. I WAS HIGH THE ENTIRE TIME.
Baboons are totally the highest matchmakers/wingmen EVER.
"IN UPENDIIII! We gotta worry OraCare." WHAT.
Moral of the story: LOVE MAKES YOU HIGH. DON'T FALL IN LOVE, YOU WILL HALLUCINATE.
OH GOD THEY WENT HOME AT DAWN. WHAT DID THEY DO? D:
Simba: It's kinda cold tongiht, huh?
THE SUN IS COMING UP, SIMBA. WHAT ARE YOU SAYING. :|
That's right, Simba, bring the outsider into the ROOM FULL OF LIONESSES. PIMPS DON'T HELP OTHER GUYS BECOME PIMPS, BRO.
SIMBA, WHY DO YOU WINK? YOU JUST REMINDED ME OF THAT DANDY KING FROM THE THREE MUSKETEERS. REALLY, SIMBA, WHY ARE YOU SO GAY IN THIS MOVIE?
SIMBA AND KOVU MAN-DATE. Always looked at it that way, ever since I first saw that movie.
Zira finds out Kovu's gay.
Le gay NOOO!
Kovu: STOP ATTACKING MY BOYFRIEND, MOM!
Nuka. :(
Lol, nougat. XD
Kiara: Father? Father! Zazu, get help.
Zazu: Oh yes, help! At once! Of course!
Kiara: No, Zazu. I was being sarcastic. :|
REALLY, ZAZU? REALLY? :|
Zira, the stagemom.
Simba: EXILE!
[Enter song.]
WAT.
Retake # 1:
Simba: EXILE!
[Enter song.]
Ostriches headbutt Kovu.
Simba said to exile him, not to bully him. :|
Retake # 2:
Simba: EXILE!
[Enter song.]
Monkeys stone Kovu to death.
HOW THE FUCK IS THAT EXILE? o.O
Retake # 3:
Simba: EXILE!
[Enter song.]
Kovu runs away.
Birds poop on his face.
Animals: He is not one of us!
The animals singing are: hippo, giraffe, antelope, zebra.
DUH, HE'S A LION, FOR FUCK'S SAKE. :|
Don't worry, Kovu. On the plus side, Scar was sexy. And that scar makes you pretty sexy too. :)
Simba's pride and kingdom--the ultimate cockblockers (apart from Zuko, of course).
Simba: From now on, you will not leave Pride Rock without an escort.
Correction: Simba--the ultimate cockblocker. (Just cuz no one cockblocked him on his first one-night stand. >.>)
And now Kiara will never get a boyfriend.
You start to wonder if all the other lionesses are single too. D: SIMBA THE PIMPINGEST.
Love Will Find a Way: the summary.
When you're "suddenly" single, everything you see has something to do with love and being in a couple.
Totally true.
Tiny weed moves. Kiara smiles, hoping that it's Kovu. Frog comes out.
How small do you think Kovu is? Really, Kiara? Really? :|
Kovu: Let's get out of here. We'll run away together! And start a pride, all on our own. ;)
OH MY GOD KOVU NOT IN FRONT OF THE KIDS
Zira: WE LIKE TO WALK THROUGH MUD AND GET DIRTY BEFORE A BATTLE.
How convenient, wearing a uniform so we can tell you apart from the good guys. And to prevent friendly fire. :)
Zira: It's over, Simba! I have dreamed of nothing else for years.
Timon: Boy, does she need a hobby.
TOO MUCH LOVE FOR THE LITTLE MEERKAT~
Zira: Break his jaw!
Outland lioness punches prideland lioness in the jaw.
ZIRA, THAT IS A WOMAN. :|
Vitani: Where's your pretty daughter, Nala?
Nala: Vitani!
Nala, Vitani isn't a place. :| Kiara is not in Vitani. That would be creepy. :|
Random lioness: BUT VITANI, STOP MAKING ME SO LESBIAN.
WAT.
Kiara: Look at them, they ARE us. What differences do you see?
Well, for one, they're much skinnier than you guys. And Simba's a guy, but that difference only applies to him. Their skin is also much grayer.
Kiara: Zira! Give me your paw.
Zira reaches out to her.
Zira: Bitch, I just did and you pulled it back.
Clearly, Zira's so skinny she can't even sheathe her claws. And that's why she died.
Moral of the story: Being skinny will lead to your undoing.
After Zira dies, Kiara and Kovu hug. But bro, your mom just died. :|
At the end, the four main lions roar. Animals cheer.
Kovu: Bitches, you threw rocks and headbutted me and now you cheer for me?
Much love there.
And that's pretty much it. :3 Hopefully, I'll be able to get the Kiara tune out of my head. Eventually. ^ _ ^ ;