just getting my thoughts out

[froggy021380]

i have been thinking about suicide a lot these past couple of days and i keep talking myself out of it. i don't know how much more i can take. i'm so tried of trying to make other people happy and trying to pay my bills. i feel like i would be better off not being here anymore so people would have to deal with all the shit i put them through and i wouldn't have to deal with my depression and the thoughts in my head. There is only one reason I am still here and that's my best friend, without her i don't know what i would do. she has made me see the good in me and she brings out the best in me. she believes in me more then i believe in myself. she is the love of my life and my soul mate. I let the depression take over me and i don't know how to get myself back. I take meds to help me but i don't think they are helping. I truly lost the person i was, i use to go out all the time with friends and go to clubs and just go out and have fun driving around. now all i do is sit in the house and talk on the computer, there are days i can't get out of bed or i don't feel like eating. i cry myself to sleep a lot.I want the old me back. how do i get the person i was back? i feel that if i keep going down hill i'm going to lose the person i love more then life itself. I feel like she is going to get sick of my shit of leave me. the only time she see's me happy is when she is here on the weekends, and i talk to her every night on line and i'm always depressed, i start fights with her for no reason, and i don't know how to stop. i guess you would say my biggest fear is losing her and not making her happy.
i'll write again soon when i have more thoughts