Attempting to live and let go...
Well I knew eventually things would change. I think however that this change may actually be the best of all changes. Kevin has decided to move back to Orlando. As hard as this is to say, I think this will help the healing process at least for me. We can live our lives and not have to see each other “living out” our lives if that makes any sense. I think if I saw him with someone else that would definitely make it harder to heal. So as hard as it is to lose a friend/love, I think this move will be for the best.
I do hope that this move helps him to grow up. He has a lot of figuring out to do. He needs to get his life together and stop depending on others to always be there to pick up the pieces when he messes up. I know that I have spent way too much time saving his butt when something goes wrong. I still love him and he is a dear friend to me but as a dear friend I must say that now if he fucks up he is going to have to dig himself out. I also think its good because his parents have agreed to that statement and are going to do the same.
So, Kevin is actually, “on his own” for now. Let’s see what happens. If he keeps in touch, I will of course talk to him. But I know for a fact that I cannot emotionally put up with hearing about anyone new that he is dating so if that topic gets brought up, I’ll simply ask to drop that subject. Time will only tell if we can work out some sort of friendship. It is going to be difficult because there is a trust factor that has disappeared and of course some feelings and emotions that are going to make being “just friends” a challenge but that is life and so we must deal.
Anyways, so he is leaving either tomorrow or Saturday and that will be that. Amazing how quickly things shift and change. So to quote one of my favorite songs from the Dawson’s Creek sound track (“Letting Go” by Sozzi): “You know that we needed some time and space to breathe. And this is letting go…” In any case, I am trying my best to feel that deep down this has all happened for some divine reason unbeknownst to me. In the meanwhile, I am trying to improve some things that had gone awry in my life while I was dating him. I’m slowly getting back into the gym again, I am pursuing a new job head on now and I am doing my best to make time for more people in my life.
On that note, I want to apologize to any and all of my friends that I may have wronged over the past year. I didn’t realize how much time and energy that I was putting into making this relationship between Kevin and I work. I know that I have ignored many of you for so long that the gap may be too far-gone to fix. I am going to try my hardest to make it up to each and everyone one of you. I know that I am not perfect but I am going to try and show you the friend that I always should have been to each and every one of you. I know now that romantic relationships should not tear you away from what is good in your life and I want each of you that I have wronged to know that I am sorry. I do love you all and miss you all dearly.
And to Kevin and partially to myself I shall quote another piece of the aforementioned song as a reminder and a moment of learning:
“So now I say the things I want to say
Sometimes it's better letting go this way
I'll always know
Down in my soul
We really had so far to go
I've given all I had to give
And now it's time for me to live
And I won't look back
And I won't regret
Though hurts like hell
Someday I will forget…”