(no subject)
In lieu of a recent band experience, and countless other musical ones in the past, I have decided to make a classification system for music stands. This is to benefit musicians such as myself, Beth, Corey, Anne, and anyone else who plays an instrument.
The Music Stand Classification System (or "MUSCS").
1. The Perfect Stand
This is the stand every musician dreams of. It is pure black, stands straight up, is comfortably used, and goes right to your height level. Contrary to popular *percussion* thought, this stand actually makes up 90% of the stands in the orchestra. Sadly, this ENTIRE 90% goes to everyone in the band but the percussionists. The percussionists are left with the remaining stands.
2. The Fold-Up Stand
This stand variety is the one preferred by young violin players (8-12 yrs) and comes either in silver or in fun primary colors. Don't be fooled by it's aesthetic outer appearance however! This stand is notoriously unstable for anything heavier than a few sheets of violin music or one sheet of timpani music. It stands on ridiculously skinny legs, has handy music clips that are extremely useful unless you want to turn a page, and has a habit of folding up or falling apart in the middle of the performance. Any music you attempt to put on it will, inevitably, fall out of it and scatter within at least a half-mile radius.
3. The Sliding-Down Stand
Here we have a stand that is deceitful by nature. In all appearances, it looks pretty much exactly like The Perfect Stand. It has a fairly new aura, and seems to be unused overall. Nevertheless, this stand is like the sexually-transmitted disease of music stands. Everything looks fine...but wait until you actually use it. An unsuspecting percussionist will place his or her sheaf of music on it. They will innocently prepare their instrument, maybe hang a triangle on their stand, or put it by the timpani. Now....the stand will start to discretly slide down.....little by little....until it has either a) muffled the timpani at the worst possible moment, b) run into the cymbals/xylophone, making a loud, disruptive sound, or c) carried the sheet music way too low for anyone (except Beth! = D) to read. From now on, no matter what you do, the stand will slide down, making it virtually impossible to use it for anything (unless you are playing something on your knees). I hate this type of stand. It has caused me to mess up countless times (it is particularly harsh on cymbal players).
4. The Unstable Head Stand
This stand is similar to the Sliding-Down Stand in that it slips in ways that make it impossible to
use. This one, however, has a head that slips forward so that as soon as you put ANYTHING on this stand, the head of it will slip forward to a fully vertical position. Anyone who has attempted to place things on vertical planes knows that this WILL NOT WORK. EVER. Again, this stand is quite harsh on percussionists, who usually need to hang things from their stands, or use them to hold drumsticks, or mallets, or other necessary parts for playing. Fortunately, this stand has the decency to demonstrate its inadequacy right away by immediately dumping your music (or anything else you have put on it) on the floor unceremoniously.
5. The Wobbly Stand
This is the stand that makes up about 50% of the stands left over for the percussionists (ie one of the two left). It usually looks quite old and decrepit as it is. The main identifying characteristic of this stand is that it wobbles around at crazy angles at the slightest whim. If you put it by a snare drum, it will invariably bang into the bass drum. Put it anywhere NEAR the tambourine, and you will hear sounds along the lines of *squuueeeak...thunkJINGLE....CRASHJINGLEJINGLEJINGLE* Sadly, most percussionists will attempt to use this stand no matter how wobbly it appears, because they have the mistaken impression that if they can somehow locate its center of balance, it will work perfectly for them. I, myself, have seen this type of stand fixed ONCE, incidentally by a trombone player (the godly Chris Lambert). All he did was flip it over, tighten a screw or so, and voila! The stand worked perfectly. I have attempted this feat numerous times since them, but I have ended up with nothing but oily fingers and a sheepish look on my face. My note to musicians: avoid this stand like the bubonic plague.
6. The Creaky Stand
This stand has caused me many a woe in the middle of songs. The Creaky Stand also has an uncanny resemblance to The Perfect Stand, in that you only find out of its horrendous creakiness AFTER having chosen it and almost always during a slow, soft part of a song, where you think to yourself "Aha, I will slowly push the head of this stand forward so as to prepare myself subtly for the next part in which I have lots to play." Which, of course, ends up with a loud *CREEEAAAAKKKbeautiful flute soloCREEEEAAAAKKK*. During which the conductor and everyone in the orchestra and the audience turns around to look at you, not to mention the flute player, who will probably bash you over the head with her instrument after she is done. This stand, however, is one that is actually useable IF you adjust it BEFORE the concert and never touch it again after the concert starts.
And that ends my Music Stand Classification essay. Don't worry, it's okay if you skipped over all of it (unless you are Beth, who should get the humor in all of this, being a percussionist and all).
Now for the actual content of my entry:
I think I am going to be an Anthropology major after all.