words
seem to fail me lately.
i can't seem to complete sentences when i'm speaking and i've had two different people tell me it would be easier to understand me if i completed a thought. sometimes i just wish i could project images into peoples head. it would make my life easier. expressing myself in words is just so complicated and often gets turned around going from my brain to my mouth.
but images...images are so much clearer in my head. so much easier to come up with. i don't have to worry about there not being a word to describe whats going on in my head. all i have to do is think and that image is there. no definition needed, no trying to explain what it means. if you show someone a picture of an orange, they understand orange. but if you try and tell them "purple" means orange to you, they get confused. as i'm sure most people will when they read this.
i'm also indifferent today. no mood. no real feeling. just a kind of robotic "i know what needs to get done" auto pilot deal going on. i think a hot shower with lots of tears is in the near future for me. not because something sad/bad/ugly has happened to me, but because it often resets me. like my white board gets full of everything going on in my head and i need to wipe it clean.
i'm also missing people. lots of people. i miss one in particular but i guess it doesn't really matter giving the circumstance and the fact that they prolly wont talk to me. i'm sure the feeling will go ahead sooner or later, but it still sucks. chase has been a constant in the front of my brain as well. we've been texting back and forth a lot this last week and she really wants to come out here for a visit. i think part of that is missing me, but a big part is trying to get away from mom. she's almost 15 and mom still treats her like she's 8 sometimes. i'm proud of her though, she's handling her teenage/high school years better then i did. she's doing the constructive route where as i went the destruction route. hopefully though, i can convince mom to let her come out here at the end of the school year. i'd love to see her! and of course i will be going home at the end of march (even if i have to sell myself on the street corner dammit!) so i will be able to see everyone then!
i can't seem to complete sentences when i'm speaking and i've had two different people tell me it would be easier to understand me if i completed a thought. sometimes i just wish i could project images into peoples head. it would make my life easier. expressing myself in words is just so complicated and often gets turned around going from my brain to my mouth.
but images...images are so much clearer in my head. so much easier to come up with. i don't have to worry about there not being a word to describe whats going on in my head. all i have to do is think and that image is there. no definition needed, no trying to explain what it means. if you show someone a picture of an orange, they understand orange. but if you try and tell them "purple" means orange to you, they get confused. as i'm sure most people will when they read this.
i'm also indifferent today. no mood. no real feeling. just a kind of robotic "i know what needs to get done" auto pilot deal going on. i think a hot shower with lots of tears is in the near future for me. not because something sad/bad/ugly has happened to me, but because it often resets me. like my white board gets full of everything going on in my head and i need to wipe it clean.
i'm also missing people. lots of people. i miss one in particular but i guess it doesn't really matter giving the circumstance and the fact that they prolly wont talk to me. i'm sure the feeling will go ahead sooner or later, but it still sucks. chase has been a constant in the front of my brain as well. we've been texting back and forth a lot this last week and she really wants to come out here for a visit. i think part of that is missing me, but a big part is trying to get away from mom. she's almost 15 and mom still treats her like she's 8 sometimes. i'm proud of her though, she's handling her teenage/high school years better then i did. she's doing the constructive route where as i went the destruction route. hopefully though, i can convince mom to let her come out here at the end of the school year. i'd love to see her! and of course i will be going home at the end of march (even if i have to sell myself on the street corner dammit!) so i will be able to see everyone then!