(no subject)
I detroy myself from the inside out. I want to breathe smoke and punch walls and talk shit and kill or be killed. I want everything to just stop because I just forget trying to make anything out of myself. I can't handle anything anymore. This is beyond Elizabeth, beyond school, beyond work, beyond moving out. Beyond all this bullshit that I've piled up in my life. I want to take so many pills I can't see straight. I want to be done. I want it to stop. I wasn't cut out to live. I shouldn't be, and I should just stop trying to fight everything. The days have been bad for so long I can't remember. And there's just no end in sight. No matter what I just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel and I'm so so tired of trying to find it and failing. I've said it for years but if my life got a grade it would be an F. And I have no intention of studying for the next exam. Its just too much work. I'm lazy and I don't feel like worrying and sweating and griping and bitching and moaning and crying every single day. I don't feel like smiling or laughing either. I don't feel like being. When are things going to get better? I just want to be babied so I don't have to care about life anymore. I want to go back to the hospital and stay there forever, where I'm safe and cared for and don't have anything to worry about.