Return post and a surprise

[frodofigment]

Bingo already wrote back. That was fast... I was expecting to have more time to get adjusted to this place again. Oh, well... I'm utterly terrified and nervous, but this is a good thing. The sooner I am able to talk to him the better

Comments

[frodofigment]

*backs up a little, nervously shifting his weight, bumps the table and stops. Looks down at his feet as he listens*

I'm... I'm trying to say it was me, not you. I...*closes his eyes and focus on calming his immediate defensive response. Opens them again and looks at Bingo* Yes, I kept upping things in an attempt to hold on, to secure a place... I did so, wrongly. I didn't want to take responsibility for my absences then, but I did realize that I would lose you if I did not try and keep some kind of tie, some kind of greater reward. I thought that I could still keep you, and not take any blame for my disappearing. I masked my real reason for wanting a child... insurance of my place here... from both of us. I did not analyze my motivations while I tried convince you that having a child was a good idea. *chews his lip, hooding his eyes to hide the glisten of tears* My motivations were entirely wrong and selfish.

*raises his gaze to meet Bingo's, taking a second to wipe the tears on his sleeve and breath* Yes... I was asking you to bear your pain and the pain of another. I was asking you to support my selfishness and to be used without protest, to mind the child and forget my trespasses. I was...

Please, do you mind if I sit down? My legs feel weak. *swallows hard*

[bbolger_baggins]

*shakes his head, looks at him hard, still glassy eyed* I was just a prize to you. Give the right answer--win a prize? *bitterly* Heh. That's not love, Iorhael. That's conquest. *bites his lip, and looks away, not wanting to see Iorhael's tears*

No, sit, please. *purses his lips*

[frodofigment]

*sits down before answering*

I sought to conquer many realms of emotion, in my desire to really feel them. I am not surprised that love was one of those, though I do like to think that I have loved. I will agree with you to an extent that what I did was conquest... prize seeking.

But my protest is that I did learn to feel emotions, and I know that I felt love for you. I know that in my review of memories from happier times. I know that from the feeling that I am resisting now. I did love you, and I want to say that I still do but I feel that is unacceptable considering present circumstances. My error was in not knowing what to do with that love, and not be selfish about it. As I said before, I took your love of me for granted. I neglected to gain an important lesson from you when it concerns love. How to be selfless and considerate in love. I suppose you could say that I did not learn the most important part.

[bbolger_baggins]

*listens, blinks, shaking his head, exasperated, shouts* Ai, Iorhael! I don't care what lessons you learned or not! I really don't! I didn't sign on to be your teacher, you self-absorbed sot! *runs his hand through his hair puffing*

It doesn't take much awareness to realize there was a problem with what you did when you interferred with my healing, it really doesn't! You left. Again. After promises of staying. *starts pacing* And . . . I couldn't accept you'd just break those promises . . again . . . but my not being able to accept your failings and back away was my problem . . . I took responsibility for it by walking The Fire to help me let go. I wasn't.letting.go. I wasn't letting go that you weren't there. Do you understand?

*makes a sweeping gesture with his arm* So what do you do? You waltz up. You know it's our relationship I'm needing distance from. You tell me it was you who I was trying to forget, anyway. Despite how that might interfere with my healing. Did you stop to think for one moment what interferring with such a magical therapy could do? Did you? Do you know anything about the Blue Fire? And what the risks are? Did you think to ask? Some people go into shock and don't recover, that's what can happen! Luckily I had Grandmum feeding me medicines. But here's the topper! The absolute topper! You told me! And then promptly . . . DISAPPEARED!!!!!*yells, swinging his arms about with fists in the air* You left me like that! You left me distraught, physically and mentally in anguish for nothing, for no point, for no reason AT ALL!

*ends with this crescendo then plops onto a chair, and adds with quiet anger* Dear Elbereth! That was rich. *looks at Iorhael with cooling fury*

[frodofigment]

No, I did not expect that you would care what lessons I learned for you were an unwilling teacher and you did lose much. I was selfish. *bites his lip and nods at the "self-absorbed sot"* Yes, that is an accurate description of me.

I think I do. I interrupted that process and made it harder.

No, I did not think or know anything about the Blue Fire. *pins his ears at the yelling* I cannot refute that. I did disappear, and I have no good reason for it. That is what I have been saying, and part of the reason I am here. To accept responsibility for that, to apologize... to do whatever it is I need to do to help your healing since I caused the wounds and so endangered the process of your healing.

*watches him quietly*

[bbolger_baggins]

*sits in the chair, watching him back* All right.

*tents his hands before him, trying to quiet his breathing*

[frodofigment]

All right. *looks at the cold tea for a moment, then back at Bingo* It will no doubt sound odd to you, Bingo, but I am glad of your anger. Thank you for letting me know how you felt and feel.

*light smile to try and break tension* And for reaffirming that I am a self-absorbed nitwit.

[bbolger_baggins]

*nods acknowledgement of that statement and no more*

*takes a breath, half bitter and half good-natured return gibe* Glad I could be of service, I suppose.

*takes another breath* So. What exactly are you trying to offer me then?

[frodofigment]

I'm not sure. My apologies, of course, but those only go so far to assauge emotional wounds. I have set up a home... I'm sure Hal told you where. I offer... whatever you need of me, really.

[bbolger_baggins]

All right. *takes a breath* I'll consider accepting them . . . I'm not ready to right now. Yes, Halfast told me.

Well, if we're to be any kind of friends in time, I need you to not make promises you can't keep, which at this point, is still any promise at all. Only time will tell if you grow in trustworthiness. And to be quite blunt, right now, you don't have any with me. If you want to be a friend, I'm willing to try. But . . . I'm not willing to be tried . . . if we plan together on anything, be it a picnic or an errand to bring sugar, and you leave me in the lurch, I reserve the right to rescind my offer of friendship.

[frodofigment]

Understood.

*nods* Terms accepted and agreed upon. *offers his hand* If I disappear, or fail to make it to anything we have planned... even a run for sugar... you have full right to revoke the offer of friendship, and I will make no further attempts.

[bbolger_baggins]

*considers his words, nods, looks at the offered hand and bites his lip, nervous* I . . .

[frodofigment]

*nods and takes his hand back* Thank you for the tea.

[bbolger_baggins]

*he knew all the wants that might come pouring out if he grasped that particular hand, and really, wasn't that what we were talking about? So why . . . wait! Dammit!* Iorhael! I can't shake on a contract with you! I have no evidence you've become more trustworthy here yet, and I've given you no reason to doubt mine, so it's not an even bargain.

*opens his mouth to speak, and closes it again, thinking over the words Iorhael was offering to shake over, downs his cup of cold, cold tea, clears his throat, then fixes his eyes on Iorhael's with a look of resignation* Seriously, Iorhael, you're not here for me. Why are you here? Tell me.

[frodofigment]

I realized that when I offered my hand... that's why I took it back. I'm sorry.

Reviewing my memories once I began to recover them... even fragments... I felt a great deal of remorse over what I have done. So, I am here for me, in a way... *dips his head* I am sure that will add to the evidence of my self-absorbtion, but I believe we've already agreed on that fact of my personality.

I genuinly want to try and right the wrong. I do miss you this place. I feel drawn to it...

That is a hard question to answer, and I feel that no matter what I say, it will be judged as a bad reason to be in this land again.

[bbolger_baggins]

Well, you left it for me to express, but apology accepted.

*puts his hands in his lap* You do know, Iorhael, that self-absorption isn't an unchangeable facet of one's personality. But that's up to you.

*nods*

Tell me anyway.