~goes to Bingo's bedside, laying his hand upon his brow, listening for a moment to his breathing; the draw and sigh of a sleeper's breath~ ( A'maelamin... )
*still sitting by Bingo's bedside, she listens to Iorhael to the end, and then speaks*
He cannot make those choices for you now, Iorhael, if ever he could, for those are yours to make.
Bingo has chosen to walk the Blue Fire. When he wakes, he will not know you for a time. In time, weeks, maybe months, his memories of you will return, but not until he can bear them without literally falling apart. For a time, he won't remember the loving promises and what you shared, but he also won't remember the pain of promises broken.
You can get to know each other anew if you'd like. But it won't be long before he understands you were part of the past he needed release from, even if his memories of it are still blurred, so you may have your work cut out for you if you want his love. You may also have competition for his affections, for which you cannot blame him or require him to keep promises that you yourself have broken. But that does not stop you from trying again if you both so desire in time.
Or . . . you can walk away now, and he will not know it until he is ready to bear it.
Or . . . if you stay and grow stronger, it must be by your choice, not his. And you can hope that his heart will follow the bias its path has already made, but it will take work on your part to guide it that way. Still, you can leave at any time.
But keep in mind, dear Iorhael, that there are more options than fading due to a Writer who appreciates you not. You can free yourself of your writer and find another where you will be welcomed and loved. Not all writers are so negligent of their muses and would prize your company. Such a harbor would allow you to find your way here among us again. So decide carefully. The choice is still yours.
Yes, Mirabella. You're right...they are my choices. I did not understand the ritual was an amnesiac...~sighs~ I have spoken in my own misery, wanting those choices to be taken out of my hands. They are hard to make. I want to stay and love him, my a'maelamin...but I dispair that I am not in control of my life.
I do think I should try and regain that control. He would agree with me...and I know, from what you have said that you will. I am afraid that I cannot leave, even if I wanted to. I am dependent upon my writer, upon the body and the energy that I receive. Without this host, this writer, I am afraid I would not survive long enough to root myself deep enough into another to be heard. There are not many in the world of the writers that can hear our voices. Some do, and choose to ignore them, or call themselves crazy. No, I must stay with this writer. There is another thing that I must do...that is learn to live again. Speak louder, and fight to live...breath and exist as I did. I can't be meek and submissive any longer, if I expect to continue. Allowing myself to be pushed under...~shakes his head~ I am a living, thinking being. Is it any wonder that I wanted to perish when my free will was ignored? I will talk with my writer, if my writer will have it...
I will stay. ~looks at Bingo~ Should I move out of the Pantry Smial...into another room?
*nods* You will have to work hard if you want to be with Bingo. You've made promises to him you were not in a position to keep and so broke them. You have hurt him greatly, though he does not know it now. He may not want to come back to you when he does know.
That...will be his choice, if he'll have me. I will do my best to make amends, however. If it turns out that he will not have me back...I am not sure I will be able to stay here, in the smial. It will be painful. ~chews his lip~ Excuse me if this is rash...but if that is the case...will you help me to find a new home? I am fond of this Shire.
~nods~ Mostly I just have clothes, and some papers. Anything larger...we shared, and so he can keep. I will pack now...move into the room my mother occupied. She won't be using it, and certainly won't mind.
*nods, then pulls back her shoulders and sighs, as if stepping into another role, gives him a scrutinizing glance* Why didn't you fight to be with him? He went through so much for you with your long on and off quest. Isn't my grandson worth it to you?
He's worth it to me, Mirabella. Very much so. I tried to fight...but gave up, and I loathe myself for that. Trust that I am enduring a greater punishment from myself than any that could be given, save for the lack of recognition in my lover's eye. There's is much I probably could have done, but I had too weak a will to discover it. ~hangs his head~ I am ashamed of myself...
He cannot make those choices for you now, Iorhael, if ever he could, for those are yours to make.
Bingo has chosen to walk the Blue Fire. When he wakes, he will not know you for a time. In time, weeks, maybe months, his memories of you will return, but not until he can bear them without literally falling apart. For a time, he won't remember the loving promises and what you shared, but he also won't remember the pain of promises broken.
You can get to know each other anew if you'd like. But it won't be long before he understands you were part of the past he needed release from, even if his memories of it are still blurred, so you may have your work cut out for you if you want his love. You may also have competition for his affections, for which you cannot blame him or require him to keep promises that you yourself have broken. But that does not stop you from trying again if you both so desire in time.
Or . . . you can walk away now, and he will not know it until he is ready to bear it.
Or . . . if you stay and grow stronger, it must be by your choice, not his. And you can hope that his heart will follow the bias its path has already made, but it will take work on your part to guide it that way. Still, you can leave at any time.
But keep in mind, dear Iorhael, that there are more options than fading due to a Writer who appreciates you not. You can free yourself of your writer and find another where you will be welcomed and loved. Not all writers are so negligent of their muses and would prize your company. Such a harbor would allow you to find your way here among us again. So decide carefully. The choice is still yours.
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Yes, Mirabella. You're right...they are my choices. I did not understand the ritual was an amnesiac...~sighs~ I have spoken in my own misery, wanting those choices to be taken out of my hands. They are hard to make. I want to stay and love him, my a'maelamin...but I dispair that I am not in control of my life.
I do think I should try and regain that control. He would agree with me...and I know, from what you have said that you will. I am afraid that I cannot leave, even if I wanted to. I am dependent upon my writer, upon the body and the energy that I receive. Without this host, this writer, I am afraid I would not survive long enough to root myself deep enough into another to be heard. There are not many in the world of the writers that can hear our voices. Some do, and choose to ignore them, or call themselves crazy. No, I must stay with this writer. There is another thing that I must do...that is learn to live again. Speak louder, and fight to live...breath and exist as I did. I can't be meek and submissive any longer, if I expect to continue. Allowing myself to be pushed under...~shakes his head~ I am a living, thinking being. Is it any wonder that I wanted to perish when my free will was ignored? I will talk with my writer, if my writer will have it...
I will stay. ~looks at Bingo~ Should I move out of the Pantry Smial...into another room?
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*nods* You will have to work hard if you want to be with Bingo. You've made promises to him you were not in a position to keep and so broke them. You have hurt him greatly, though he does not know it now. He may not want to come back to you when he does know.
That will probably be best for now.
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~nods~ Mostly I just have clothes, and some papers. Anything larger...we shared, and so he can keep. I will pack now...move into the room my mother occupied. She won't be using it, and certainly won't mind.
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*nods* I can do that.
*nods*
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Thank you.
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