(no subject)
I know I'm an attention whore, but sometimes I love people so much I want to squeeze thier heads in, and get mad when I'm not around them long enough to do so. I went over Alinas house today (its finished! I;m so proud!) and saw how happy she was and how beautiful everything is there. It made me a little jelous that I don't have the same thing. I know the grass is always greener on the other side, but fuck! Does my lawn have to look so yellow? But then I have to get all existential on my ass and say to myself "is it yellow because I percieve things this way or is it yellow because thats just how life is right now?". Anyways I just watched the end of the Queer as Folk season 4, and it was so cute to see Michael and Ben be together. It's fucking cute to see anyone together - so cute it makes me a little frustated to have never experienced the same thing. I've never been in a relationship, and the longer I havn't experienced this the more I feel society is making me feel bad for not. Everywhere I turn someones making love to someone else. And I just want that for two fucking seconds - I just want to know what its like again to cum with another person. And I swear, even if it was just once with some random person I wouldn't mind, and I would be satisfied for at least a little while. But then when I do find myself attracted to another person, I can't help but think of myself as repulsive and unloveable. I hate this human desire, I hate it. I wish I could reject it, but thats fucking impossible.
And even though I've called people tonight, they probably won't call me back. Ha.
And even though I've called people tonight, they probably won't call me back. Ha.