Question: How important is lust/chemistry in marriage?
How important is that bam-boozling, flip your stomach upside down spark?
I had lunch with two girlfriends yesterday, one who's married with a child and the other who's in her mid-thirties and single. During the course of our conversation, the topic of dating and chemistry came up and to my surprise, both of them admitted that they don't find it essential that there be a huge romantic "spark" between two people prior to a marriage.
Married friend said, "What's important is whether or not the person you're with houses the potential for you to fall in love with them over time. Do they have admirable traits and morals that will make for wonderful companions for the rest of your life? If so, then one day love will form out of this admiration--you will grow to love this person."
Single friend concurred and added, "I have some regret over the fact that I let a lot of "good guys" go simply because I didn't feel a huge romantic spark with them after a few dates. When I think back to them, many would have made absolutely wonderful husbands. I do think that *some* physical attraction is important, but if you find the other person appealing and they have traits you desire, the rest will follow."
Admittedly, I was surprised. All my life I'd only known relationships to follow once you've experienced that flip-the-stomach excitement, I was now being told that a wise long-term decision was based more on an individuals traits and beliefs systems. Married friend told me she knew she was going to marry her husband when she saw how well he interacted with her family. She knew they're personalities matched well, but she was wholly unsure until her family embraced him. And now? They seem to be happily married with a 10 month old baby in tow.
As I left their company, I couldn't help but wonder (a la Sex in the City...). How true is this? Is sexual attraction not the fundamental rule to live by when checking and discarding dates? Is sexual chemistry something that will eventually develop if everything else on paper is there? Are some people willing to live under a status quo environment that others can't?
Want the honest truth? This theory depressed me. I don't know if it's just me, but I'm someone who's always drawn to excitement and energy. When I think of my closest friends, the ones I've got the closest connection to are often the wittiest people in the room--and our deep connection is born out of that shared wit. To me it would only make sense that the person I'm going to be the closest to would also be someone who's like my best friends, but is this not important? Is it more important that they showcase responsibility, love for family, and a steadfast maturity?
I've noticed that a lot of friends have married men whom I privately term 'status quo'. They're perfectfly wonderful men, but they don't have that sparkling personality that often draws me to them. It's a rare trait, but I think you know what I speak of. He (or she) is the person who throws out those witty one liners, has a Buffy'esque aptitude at reflection, and/or just has that confidence and energy that zaps you to them. Many would argue that these traits aren't something that equal longetivity in a marriage. Just because someone has the ability to remark on something in a witty fashion doesn't mean they'll stand by your side for all time.
When asked to leave me with some 'take home advice' I was given the following:
(1) Chemistry is the result of building a strong foundation.
(2) Many people who have "chemistry" in the beginning don't really have it, what they have is simply a fantasy and they are attracted to what they hope that connection will become versus what it really was at that beginning stage.
(3) A good sexual relationship in dating is not a good indicator of what the sexual relationship will be after marriage. After marriage that relationship is built more out of the deeper characteristics.
(4) Character and behavioral traits are much more important foundation elements for determining the potential of a good, longterm relationship.
Also, came across this really great article.
What do you think?