(no subject)
sometimes i'm so afraid of being boring and ordinary that it's almost paralyzing. i just don't like myself very much, in general, i get so convinced that i'm not loud enough or funny enough or interesting enough. maybe if i went to a school where i actually fit in and had a whole slough of people that were more like me i wouldn't feel so displaced all the time...i don't know. none of this will really matter after highschool ends, there will be no more cliques and petty drama. i try to remind myself of this every day but i do still have a year left of this bullshit. i honestly can't even handle school right now, i get so impatient just sitting in a desk for seven hours in a row and i can't stop myself from glancing at the clock every five minutes. i just want it to be summer so badly, the thought of it is really the only thing that's cheering me up right now. knowing my luck it will probably suck, and i don't even want to get my hopes up but i can't help it.
and i miss angela. and there's a giant fucking hole in my life and i can't fix it, i don't even know where to start. and i know that people grow apart and change and i think i've done a pretty fucking excellent job of letting it go thusfar, but maybe i can't do it anymore. i'm not self-sufficient at all, and that's just one more thing i hate about myself.
we can't reverse the world tonight
while all the lost dance in the light
i know my heart is dry
i only live 'cause i don't know how to die
and on the avenue you wait, i love your hands, i love your face...
and on the avenue you wait,
with your black coat and old suitcase
i love your dream, please keep it safe.
gordo gringo, "old suitcase"