(no subject)
Title : The Show must go on
Paring :broken!KangTeuk, KangMin, hinted!KyuMin
Rating : PG-13 ( mentions of sex )
Genre : Angst
"I'll face it with a grin
I'm never giving in
I'll top the bill
I'll overkill
I need to find the wil to carry on
On with the show..."
_____________
It started a couple of months ago.
The difference in Yougwoon's behavior was very subtle, if "subtle" was a word that could be used to describe Youngwoon in the first place.
It was nothing, insignificant, but Jungsu knew better, and he wasn't stupid.
It was the way Youngwoon would look at him sometimes, opening and closing his mouth like a breathless fish, before smiling brightly, making Jungsu forget about asking him any question.
He would give up easily when he was with Youngwoon. Guess love makes you a different person... Oh, how love can turn the most clever man into a dazed fool, a peasant to a prince....How shallow, egoistical you can become...
But Jungsu knew better, he knew how men were sometimes...
He never thought of Sungmin as a potential threat to his long lasting relationship. The kid was cute, unnearvingly cold and sluggish, complicated and contemptuous. But Jungsu liked how Sungmin seemed to persevere into being someon else than " The one in the middle". He was obscenely normal, desperately average, and it made Jungsu sad.He himself fought no to be seen as common, it made him extremely anxious that people would think of him as mediocre.
Jungsu's feet would constantly be bleeding from reahearsing too much and too hard, his back would ache, waking him up in the middle of the night. He would get violent headaches, yet still smile and walk tall, walk proud and walk strong , his aura beaming around him. And he would keep that composed face on, because your day is never really finished even if you're backstage. He would wait, gritt his teeth until the moment he could crawl into bed, curl himself in a ball, blood pouding painfully in his temples , and cry himself to sleep.
The pressure was intense, and he didnt realize that he had slowly started to shut himself,pushing Youngwoon away. He was so into it, into his role, being the one everybody can rely to, and here it goes again; wakeup calls at 5, getting up, kissing Youngwoon, waking up the grumpy members, getting ready, beauty salon, Tv show , photoshoot, smile, interview,laugh, be funny Jungsu, don't listen to them, oh, smile, no don't eat that, smile, cry, come back with a grin on your face because no one can know, kiss Youngwoon, interview, smile, smilesmilecrysmile.
Sex was an easy way out, but it never lasts long enough.
Sometimes he would just stare into the mirror andn feel a wave of anger, or unexplainable wrath. He would start freaking out, pacing his room back and forth, tidying it up to perfection, bite down his nails, bite down his tongue, pop up some sleeping pills not to be able to find any sleep, wake up his exhausted boyfriend and beg himto fuck him, hard, rough, anything to make him forget.
Youngwoon never caught the desperation in his eyes, and he just guessed Jungsu didn't love him anymore.
Things lead to others, and one day, as Jungsu was walking through the corridors of KBS, he heard a faint giggle, a moan, a breathy laugh. He frowned and stopped walking, hiding in a corner. Discreetly, he turned his head to see who was running in the empty corridor, and this giggle...This giggle he could recognize his eyes closed...He had a bad feeling about it, but he couldn't prevent himself from looking.
A loud thump could be heard as Sungmin's back hit the wall, and he was still giggling - oh this sound, this excruciating pain in Jungsu's tympans...- and the little bleached blonde singer was trying to escape, before being roughly shoved against the wall again, his hands above his head. The look into his foxy eyes, that blithe glint in his brown irises.....Jungsu's stomach clenched violently at the thought that the look in Youngwoon's eyes would be the same. And oh! the sickness...Oh, the agony, the strain in his chest that made him open his mouth in a silent scream when Youngwoon just pressed himself against Sungmin's smaller body, kissing him with a passion that left his hands on Jungsu a long time ago...Oh!The ache......
" Close your eyes...breathe...Calm..yes, just like this. 1, 2, 3, 4...."
He walked forward, straight and proud, his face calm, perfect, perfect features and soft smile. He turned around and started walking again to let his presence known, and he heard the fuss of the two cultprits who just looked normal , as if they were just talking, as if nothing hapenned, as if Jungsu's throat wasn't burning with bile at what he just saw....He walked, proud and even smiled and waved at Sungmin, who did the same in return, a cute grin on his lips. Yet, the younger's couldn't hide his shame and his shaking knees betrayed him. Youngwoon just smiled, and that was all it took for Jungsu's heart to shatter, exploding in his chest and bruising all the organs around, deeps cuts of sharp glass so deep, deep down his guts, like swallowing needles...
" You should get ready and find the others, we're on in 5' " Jungsu said, walking past them.
Nothing hapenned. Or did it. Where the fuck am I ?Oh god, god , god, not now, breathe, it's going to be ok...Nobody is going to hurt you anymore Jungsu, just relax, and keep smiling. Today is an important day for everybody....They all count on you.
" You look like shit"
What the fuck are you doing here...
"Hi, Heechul-sshi"
Just go away
" No, you look like shit. Let me give you an advice, Jungsu-sshi : Sometimes it's good to let go.Fuck, they and you. You're stronger than that, but damn, that stick up your arse must hurt. Just let go of Leeteuk if you don't want to end up like....this."
Heechul left with a dissaproving expression on his distressed, worn out face, and Jungsu closed his eyes tight.
No one noticed Jungsu's pain.
But they damn heard Sungmin.
Kyuhyun locked himself up in the bathroom for a whole day and refused to talkto anyone.
The tension was unbearable, and some members decided just to go and stay out for the day.
Youngwoon walked out of the bedroom, followed by Sungmin , with his head low, blonde bangs hiding his eyes
Jungsu was here, sitting on the couch, and he just stared at his boyfriend for a long minute. He stood up and walked to him, composed and calm, breath steady. The slap that followed, nobody in the room could have predicted it, either Eunhyuk, sitting on the floor with Choco in his arms, or Heechul, sprawled out on the couch with his eyes burning with something that wasn't close to sympathy at all. Youngwoon's hand came to rest on his red, burning cheek. The slap was almost like a punch, and his lower lip now leaked a thin trail of blood down to his chin.
Heechul stood up and grabbed Jungsu's arm brutally, dragging him behind him, and shouting insults at Youngwoon, who was still standing there like an idiot, and Sungmin, his hand clamped over his mouth, sobbing uncontrollably.
Jungsu didn't even flinch when, a month later, Youngwoon opened his shirt on stage, making all the girls swoon and scream.
He didn't protest when after the show, he was roughly pushed into the dressing room, big hands pinning his frail body to the wall. He never heard Youngwoon's pleas lost between their two mouths, never felt his tears in his neck, never noticed how careful and loving he was, moving against him quietly, gently.
Youngwoon proceeded to do whtever he wanted to do, and afterwards, as the taller man was looking at his leader with a hopeful look in his eyes, Jungsu said, buttoning himself up " You should go and see Hyukjae-sshi, about that part in Spy, I don't think you should come from the right. You should take Shindong's place. Now, go tell the others to get ready, we're leaving in 5' ".