thoughts on identity
OMG, Livejournal you SUCK. It totally fucked up my entry and then deleted half of it. SO, yeah, you guys don't get the rant about mental disorders, sorry.
I admitted to Ray earlier this year that I don't feel entirely female. And now I've been thinking about that more and more: I do relate more to the masculine side of things, I connect better with masculine energy when I do energy work or meditations. When I look in the mirror, I force myself to ignore the minor feminine details of my body and I concentrate on the parts that make random strangers call me "sir".
Does this make me transgendered? I don't know and I'm not going to jump on the idea, not yet. Right now I'm sticking with androgynous, both male and female, inside and out.
I noticed last year, during the topic of gender in Sex and Society, that when I dress girlish and don my make-up and necklaces and cute shirts, it's the days I actually feel the most masculine. It's like, subconsciously, I'm trying to force myself to be a girl. It's little things like that which seem to keep my on my toes concerning my own view of myself. I know that how I was raised, the influence of the Catholic Church and being raised by--while liberal--the older generation of the grandparents, effects how I perceive myself. I try to break free from that, but it sneaks up on me.
Another interesting tidbit, when I introduce myself, I sometimes stammer through Jo-Anna. Why? Because sometimes I almost say Joseph. What does this mean? What should I do about it? How does one deal with these tendencies without going absolutely mad? I haven't figured it out yet, but I'm thankfully I have a journal and friend to bounce this shit off of.
*
Okay, so, screen name aside? I've never really felt human. I always thought I was kind of a freak for this, but it wasn't like I could help it, you know? My thought process isn't like most humans, I think on instinct and I view things from a straightforward mindset. I think in terms of pack, of survival.
I often feel like my body is a mask for something else entirely, and I honestly believe that what it is masking is that of an animal. And I don't want to sound like some paranormal fan gone overboard here, okay? I don't care if those who read this don't believe me, that's not my problem. I know who I am, okay? I'm a red wolf, I've known that I was a wolf since my early teens, but I don't talk about it. Because it's not "normal" (whatever the fuck that is) and I already have a hard enough time with people knowing I'm bipolar or that I'm not straight or that I'm not entirely female.
The funny thing is that I came to this conclusion before I even knew there was a 'proper' term for it (therianthropy as compared to were-animal) and turns out there are whole communities out there for people who think like that. I've been tapping into them this past week and it's really fascinating stuff.
So, yeah, I don't expect anyone to believe on this part, but whatever. This is my fucking journal, okay? And I've limited myself on some of the things I've said on here, especially concerning my religion, because I was afraid of being considered someone who was stuck in a fantasy realm.
*
I consider myself Pagan. No secret there. But I also hold a lot of the stuff I believed as a child. I'm still a member of the Roman Catholic Church. I get their Denver newspaper, even.
There's a kind of hogwash bullshit thing in the Pagan community. Some people think it's possible to be a Catholic Pagan, others don't.For the latter, it's impossible for me to have the patron goddess Hecate and still follow many of the teachings of Christ. And, yeah, if you take each religion as it's most STRICT then, yes, it's impossible. But I'm not doing that. I take what I need from both and blend them into something best suited for myself.
And in then end isn't that what spirituality is meant to be?
Okay, I'm done. Feel free to comment on anything, whatever. ^_^
I admitted to Ray earlier this year that I don't feel entirely female. And now I've been thinking about that more and more: I do relate more to the masculine side of things, I connect better with masculine energy when I do energy work or meditations. When I look in the mirror, I force myself to ignore the minor feminine details of my body and I concentrate on the parts that make random strangers call me "sir".
Does this make me transgendered? I don't know and I'm not going to jump on the idea, not yet. Right now I'm sticking with androgynous, both male and female, inside and out.
I noticed last year, during the topic of gender in Sex and Society, that when I dress girlish and don my make-up and necklaces and cute shirts, it's the days I actually feel the most masculine. It's like, subconsciously, I'm trying to force myself to be a girl. It's little things like that which seem to keep my on my toes concerning my own view of myself. I know that how I was raised, the influence of the Catholic Church and being raised by--while liberal--the older generation of the grandparents, effects how I perceive myself. I try to break free from that, but it sneaks up on me.
Another interesting tidbit, when I introduce myself, I sometimes stammer through Jo-Anna. Why? Because sometimes I almost say Joseph. What does this mean? What should I do about it? How does one deal with these tendencies without going absolutely mad? I haven't figured it out yet, but I'm thankfully I have a journal and friend to bounce this shit off of.
*
Okay, so, screen name aside? I've never really felt human. I always thought I was kind of a freak for this, but it wasn't like I could help it, you know? My thought process isn't like most humans, I think on instinct and I view things from a straightforward mindset. I think in terms of pack, of survival.
I often feel like my body is a mask for something else entirely, and I honestly believe that what it is masking is that of an animal. And I don't want to sound like some paranormal fan gone overboard here, okay? I don't care if those who read this don't believe me, that's not my problem. I know who I am, okay? I'm a red wolf, I've known that I was a wolf since my early teens, but I don't talk about it. Because it's not "normal" (whatever the fuck that is) and I already have a hard enough time with people knowing I'm bipolar or that I'm not straight or that I'm not entirely female.
The funny thing is that I came to this conclusion before I even knew there was a 'proper' term for it (therianthropy as compared to were-animal) and turns out there are whole communities out there for people who think like that. I've been tapping into them this past week and it's really fascinating stuff.
So, yeah, I don't expect anyone to believe on this part, but whatever. This is my fucking journal, okay? And I've limited myself on some of the things I've said on here, especially concerning my religion, because I was afraid of being considered someone who was stuck in a fantasy realm.
*
I consider myself Pagan. No secret there. But I also hold a lot of the stuff I believed as a child. I'm still a member of the Roman Catholic Church. I get their Denver newspaper, even.
There's a kind of hogwash bullshit thing in the Pagan community. Some people think it's possible to be a Catholic Pagan, others don't.For the latter, it's impossible for me to have the patron goddess Hecate and still follow many of the teachings of Christ. And, yeah, if you take each religion as it's most STRICT then, yes, it's impossible. But I'm not doing that. I take what I need from both and blend them into something best suited for myself.
And in then end isn't that what spirituality is meant to be?
Okay, I'm done. Feel free to comment on anything, whatever. ^_^