Hope
Yeah, hope. It's a strange wellspring of emotion, and it manifests weirdly.
So, yeah, a year and a half ago I gave up hope. Not once, but twice.
This year I found out that giving up on hope doesn't make it go away. Oh no. It comes back. With a vengeance.
So the hope built again from the ashes of the last time I'd trusted it. I wondered "dare I trust it again?"
Well, like a fool I did. What kept it from crashing harder this time was the fact this cycle repeated. Yet another dashed hope from winter '07 reappeared. You'd think that right after re-trusting and re-losing an old dashed hope, that I'd resist it happening again, especially right on the heels of the last restored, previously-thought-to-be-forgotten hope.
See, that's the problem. I never had a chance to let go and curse away the previous restored hope when the next restored hope popped up.
Following this?
1. Met girl. Clicked amazingly. Too well.
2. Met another girl immediately after #1 left.
(I'll spare the rehash. Go back and read February & March '08 entries.)
3. Girl 2 contacted this spring. Date set. She cancels.
4. Girl 1 contacted after #2 cancels. Date set. She cancels.
Both times, last year and this spring, I barely had time to deal with hope bending me over and breaking it off when it was picked right back up and restored with the next opportunity.
Now the crash is gonna happen again, and I know what that felt like last year after the double whammy finally washed over me.
It's double again. Hope lost, picked right back up, and *crash* again.
This hope. What is it? Did I exorcise it last year, or is the fact it rekindled (twice) a precursor to a harder drop this time?
So, yeah, a year and a half ago I gave up hope. Not once, but twice.
This year I found out that giving up on hope doesn't make it go away. Oh no. It comes back. With a vengeance.
So the hope built again from the ashes of the last time I'd trusted it. I wondered "dare I trust it again?"
Well, like a fool I did. What kept it from crashing harder this time was the fact this cycle repeated. Yet another dashed hope from winter '07 reappeared. You'd think that right after re-trusting and re-losing an old dashed hope, that I'd resist it happening again, especially right on the heels of the last restored, previously-thought-to-be-forgotten hope.
See, that's the problem. I never had a chance to let go and curse away the previous restored hope when the next restored hope popped up.
Following this?
1. Met girl. Clicked amazingly. Too well.
2. Met another girl immediately after #1 left.
(I'll spare the rehash. Go back and read February & March '08 entries.)
3. Girl 2 contacted this spring. Date set. She cancels.
4. Girl 1 contacted after #2 cancels. Date set. She cancels.
Both times, last year and this spring, I barely had time to deal with hope bending me over and breaking it off when it was picked right back up and restored with the next opportunity.
Now the crash is gonna happen again, and I know what that felt like last year after the double whammy finally washed over me.
It's double again. Hope lost, picked right back up, and *crash* again.
This hope. What is it? Did I exorcise it last year, or is the fact it rekindled (twice) a precursor to a harder drop this time?