Which Bridge to Cross and Which Bridge to Burn (Kirk/McCoy) NC-17 - Updated Version
Title: Which Bridge to Cross and Which Bridge to Burn
Author: fritz42
Fandom:Star Trek AOS
Characters/Pairings: Kirk/McCoy, Kirk/Carol Marcus (off page and based on ST: WoK character)
Ratings: NC-17
Warnings: slight dub-con, angst, swearing
Word count: 3,873
Beta: The wonderful, brilliant and patient Secretsolitaire. Your insight and guidance has been invaluable. Thank you.
Disclaimer: This wonderful universe is own by Paramount, Gene Roddenberry, JJ Abrams and a host of others. I make no money off this. I am truly only here to play.
Summary: Leonard was the one that pushed Jim into Carol’s arms three months ago, and he regretted that decision ever since. Leonard always was a master at burning his bridges. Luckily, Jim Kirk never let something as trivial as the lack of a bridge stop him.
A/N: The title for this came from the quote by David Russell: The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which bridge to burn.
I initially wrote this story back in 2012, well before STID came out. (Hence the reason why Carol Marcus is based on the Star Trek: Wrath of Khan character.) I was never really satisfied with it, not only the writing but the non-con aspect of it. With wonderful discernment from Secret Solitaire, she helped me wrestle this version into something with which I am much more comfortable.
If, for some reason, you would rather read the initial version, that can still be found here at my LJ fic journal. Or you can email me at fritzfic@gmail.com and I can send you a copy of it.
Which Bridge to Cross and Which Bridge to Burn
It was the chime that confused him.
“Jim? ” Leonard mumbled as he rubbed his eyes. Jim never used the chime. Hacking was his key into Leonard’s dorm room. “Wha’cha doin’ here? I thought you were gonna spend the evening with Carol.”
Which explained why Leonard was standing there late on a Friday night in a t-shirt and sleep pants rather than being out with his best friend, trolling their favorite bars as they'd done most weekends for the past two years.
Jim didn’t answer, but instead brushed past him, roughly body-checking Leonard out of the way.
“Hey!” The exclamation popped out of his mouth as Leonard caught the door frame with his hand. “Damn it, Jim! Watch where you’re goin’.” Rubbing his shoulder, he stepped away from the door, letting it close behind him with a soft swish.
Funny he even heard the noise. His room practically filled with the sound of the anger humming off the lithe body before him. Jim’s hands were balled so tightly into fists, Leonard was glad the kid compulsively chewed his fingernails down to the quick, or Leonard would be cleaning blood off from his floor.
What the hell had happened to him?
For the first time in their history, Leonard felt a brief spark of fear shoot down his spine. Leonard forced his body into a relaxed stance even though his amygdala was screaming to get the hell away or prepare for an attack. This was Jim, his friend. Jim wouldn’t hurt him, no matter what had made him this angry. At least, Leonard hoped that was still true.
“Jim,” Leonard said softly. “It’s okay. Just tell me what happened.”
Jim gave a sharp, derisive laugh. “Yeah, right.” Jim pulled his eyes from Leonard’s face, and a humorless smile appeared as he mocked, “Yeah, everything’s okay.”
“Jim, just tell me what happened,” Leonard repeated.
Time stretched out between them, and Jim still didn’t answer. He stood with his eyes closed, a bitter twist to his lips. Leonard fought to keep from reaching out and touching him.
In the past, Leonard wouldn’t have hesitated to sling an arm around those shoulders while the two of them drank themselves to the needed tongue-loosening stage - a technique both of them had used on each other more times than he could count. But Leonard didn’t have that luxury now.
“Did something happen with Carol?” he asked quietly.
His voice brought Jim’s piercing eyes zeroing back to his.
“Yeah, something happened with Carol. We fucking broke up tonight!”
Oh, thank God.
Leonard wasn’t proud of it, but he couldn’t help the wave of relief that surged through him, even as he felt bad for his friend. It wasn’t that he didn’t like Carol. Hell, she was perfect for Jim. Beautiful in that girl-next-door way. Bright with a wicked sense of humor. At the top of her second-year molecular biology track. She kept Jim on his toes, which was why Jim had gravitated towards her, and why Leonard had encouraged Jim to go out with her.
But Leonard hadn’t expected what developed between the two of them. For the first time since Leonard had known him, Jim had settled into an exclusive relationship. For three months, he’d been spending more and more of his time with Carol, devoting much of his free time away from Leonard, leaving only the occasional meal and study session here and there for the two of them.
And Leonard had hated it.
Shame hit him hard as he looked at his friend, that handsome face without its perpetual grin. Underneath it all, Jim was hurting, and all he could think was "thank God it was over"? What kind of fucking friend was he?
Pulling his head out of his own selfish ass, Leonard chanced a small step forward. “I’m sorry, Jim,” he said.
“Fuck!” Jim growled as he started to pace.
Leonard closed the distance between them. “What happened?” he asked as he gave into the need to touch his friend, to provide some measure of physical comfort. He almost hummed in pleasure at the contact.
Jim slapped away his hand, and Leonard jerked back, shocked.
“I’ll tell you what happened. She fucking told me that she loved me.”
“Wha…?” Leonard sputtered. He had expected to hear something like Carol just wanted to be friends or Leonard’s personal favorite: she found someone else. He shook his head. “Wait. That doesn’t make any sense.”
Jim glared at him, his lip curling up in a snarl, before he bit out the words as if he had to talk slowly to help Leonard’s comprehension. “She. Told me. She. Loved. Me.”
The words squeezed Leonard’s stomach like a vice. Oh, sweet Jesus. Their relationship was more serious than he thought.
“I don’t understand, Jim,” Leonard said hoarsely. He swallowed down the emotional bile that threatened to come up his throat. “Isn’t that a good thing?”
“Not when I fucking couldn’t say it back to her. She cried, Bones.” Jim took a ragged breath.
That sound did something to Leonard, twisting and yanking at his heart. Jim was hurting, and he didn’t ever want to hear that sound again. It muzzled every selfish thought that had been clambering and yapping in his head since Jim had pushed his way through the door. He had to find a way to reassure Jim, to help him try to fix this.
Even if it carved out a piece of his own heart when he did it.
Leonard took a deep breath. “Well, Jim. Just give it some time. You’ll be able to say it to her eventually. Not everyone falls in love on the same timetable.”
Those words were a mistake, and Leonard knew it immediately when Jim’s eyes flared with anger once again.
“You don’t fucking get it, do you? You’ve never fucking gotten it!”
Jim’s arms shot out and grabbed him before he could even begin to form a response. For a moment, Leonard feared that he would finally be on the receiving end of Jim Kirk’s famous fists, before Jim yanked him to his chest and crushed his lips under his.
The kiss was full of anger and turmoil, bruising Leonard’s lips, but underneath it, Leonard could still feel the pain that fueled it all. He tried to keep himself unresponsive, but damn it, it had been so long. His lips started to melt under the onslaught as Jim’s hand slid up alongside Leonard’s jaw, anchoring his head in place.
A second later, sanity slammed back into place.
Leonard stiffened and yanked his head away. “Damn it, Jim. I told you we couldn’t do this.” He used his hands to push Jim back.
Shit. The fucker had wrapped his leg around Leonard’s without him realizing it, and it caused him to trip. With arms flailing, Leonard grabbed on to the only thing available - Jim - and he pulled Jim down with him as they tumbled backwards onto the floor.
Luckily, Jim cushioned Leonard’s head with one of his hands, using the other one to brace himself on the floor as he fell on top of Leonard. Even so, Leonard’s ass still landed hard with a bone-rattling jar.
“Fuck, Jim! That hurt!” Leonard snapped.
A look of remorse appeared over Jim’s face, accompanying the hurt still visible in his eyes. “I’m sorry, Bones.”
Leonard’s heart gave a little, disloyal skip, and he pulled his eyes away. No. This was still a no-win situation. Nothing good could come of this. Not when he could feel every inch of Jim’s firm body along the length of his.
“Get off me,” Leonard said, his voice soft but firm, as he started to shift Jim to the side.
Jim’s expression quickly changed and his lips tightened into a stubborn line as he executed a maneuver that forced Leonard back onto the floor. A ragged sound escaped Leonard’s mouth, and if he were forced to tell the truth, he wouldn’t be able to say if it had been a moan of pain or a reaction to feeling Jim’s hard length pressing down alongside his own aroused, traitorous dick.
With his face to the side of Leonard’s, Jim took a deep breath and growled, no doubt taking in the smell of the desire that was quickly overwhelming Leonard. “You got to decide that morning. Let me decide this time.”
Jim ran his tongue along Leonard’s jaw, sweeping it down the side of his neck, and Leonard couldn’t help but tilt his head to give Jim more access. He felt Jim’s lips part in a smile before they sucked hard on the pulse beating rapidly in Leonard’s neck, and Leonard cried out with the jolt of electricity that shot through him, lighting up every nerve, as it traveled down through his body.
Desperately, Leonard tried to hold on to some sort of logical control, but Jim wasn’t making it easy for him. That warm mouth had moved to suck on his Adam’s apple, and he felt his eyes roll back into his head as that moist touch flared all the way to his groin. Jim assaulted his neck, biting and smoothing each nip with a tantalizing tease with the tip of his tongue.
“Jim, stop. We shouldn’t do this,” he pleaded.
Raising his head, Jim hovered over Leonard’s face. “Yeah, we should,” he chided gently before capturing Leonard’s lips, smothering and pushing his weak objection back down into his throat.
This time, Jim’s kiss was less punishing. His tongue swept over Leonard’s lips, its tip teasing his upper lip, going from corner to corner, before sucking on the bottom one. Jim’s teeth razed lightly over the surface, and Leonard opened his mouth to suck in an uneven breath. He heard Jim’s soft sound of elation before his tongue slipped into Leonard’s mouth. Leonard could have sworn every nerve ending and every taste bud was hardwired to his groin because every flick of Jim’s tongue, the taste of his mouth, was making his own dick harder and harder.
He tried to murmur some kind of dissent, but that just seemed to intensify Jim’s determination. He felt Jim’s hand sneak under his t-shirt, and the feel of Jim’s skin on his made his remaining resolve burn up in the intensity that Jim was stoking in his body. Leonard ground his hips up into Jim’s. He felt Jim smile along his lips before he suddenly pulled away, leaving Leonard gasping.
Jim pulled him up to a sitting position before reaching down to tear off his t-shirt. Jim’s own jacket and shirt quickly followed before Jim pushed him back down to capture his nipples, lightly pulling them with his teeth. It was as if Jim had cataloged every point on Leonard’s body, knowing which to touch, stroke or bite in turn, and Leonard’s body sang with every one of them.
He no longer knew where he was; he no longer cared. His half-hearted complaints turned into obscene moans under Jim’s hands, and all he could think was how he wanted - no, needed - more until he was a quivering mess, a jangle of stimulated nerve endings under Jim’s warm mouth and hands.
Suddenly, Jim pulled away, and Leonard whimpered with the loss. His hands reached out for Jim, but Jim had swung his legs off from Leonard’s body. Leonard peeled open his eyes, not knowing when he even closed them, and he blinked several times to take in the sight.
Jim had stripped off his jeans, flinging them away, and he stood in all his naked glory. His penis stood hard and erect, dropping away from his stomach with its weight, its tip leaking with drops of moisture. Leonard greedily took in the image that he had been denying himself these past three months, two weeks and four days, and his own dick throbbed with the sight.
“Oh, god.” The whispered exclamation escaped his lips as Leonard tore his eyes away.
He felt Jim’s hands on the waistband of his sleep pants, and before he could form any protest - protest, who the fuck was he kidding - Jim had stripped them off his body and was quickly sliding back up, his heated skin lighting up every skin cell of Leonard’s along the way, making a layer of sweat break out between them. This only heightened the wave of desire building in Leonard, and he moaned loudly before Jim captured his mouth once again.
Lips, hands, dicks. It was all a blur, and for the first time in over a decade, Leonard thought he was going to come, all without any major stroking of his penis, feeling that tell-tale sign of his balls tightening.
Jim’s lips left his, and he greedily sucked in a needed lungful of breath before three of Jim’s fingers were shoved into his mouth.
Realization hit him.
“No. No.” Leonard tried to talk around the fingers as anxiety quickly cooled the inferno of passion that had been ravaging his body.
This was not how he wanted this to finally be reenacted. He had never been taken using only spit, and he had dreamt of being with Jim again for too long to have this memory tainted by the pain that he knew he’d suffer with only saliva as a lubricant. He shoved against Jim’s chest, feeling his dick soften with the panic that was surging through him.
Jim pulled his fingers from Leonard’s mouth only to stick them back in his own, coating them heavily with his own saliva. Leonard's fear must have shown on his face.
”Bones.” Jim gave him an admonishing look before reaching back to work himself open, grimacing with that first breach of his fingers.
“Jim, no,” Leonard said, hearing the hitch in Jim’s breathing, knowing that he was being too rough with himself. It had to hurt like hell. “There’s lube right up there. C’mon. Let’s just go to bed.”
Pulling his hand away, Jim pushed himself down Leonard’s legs. Leonard sat up, ready to follow Jim to the comfort of a mattress under his back, when Jim pushed him back to the floor.
“Whose turn is it to decide?” Jim reminded him in a gentle voice before engulfing Leonard’s dick into his warm and sinful mouth.
“Holy fuck.” Leonard’s head fell back with a thud.
Jim used every trick in the book, sucking, swirling, even the nerve-tightening feel of teeth over the shaft and head of his penis, making it slick and quickly bringing it back to full hardness. Jim pulled off with a sloppy pop, easing Leonard’s hands out of his hair, before sitting up with a shit-eating grin on his face. He swung his leg over Leonard’s hips, grabbing his penis and guiding it quickly to his own hole before Leonard could even formulate an objection in the incoherent recesses of his mind.
Somehow, Leonard was able to command his hands to grab Jim’s hips in order to keep Jim from impaling himself and tearing himself to pieces. Leonard held Jim steady, making him sink slowly down, and Leonard watched as the pain made Jim clench his eyes shut. He held Jim still once he was fully seated, even though Leonard’s own body was screaming to let Jim movemovemove.
After hardly any time at all, Jim was pushing his hands away, riding Leonard in slow, sensual motions that lit a fire up Leonard’s spine. The sensations were overwhelming. This time he returned his hands to Jim’s hips, not to prevent him from moving, but to encourage a pace that they both could enjoy.
He watched Jim, his golden head leaning back, a sheen of sweat making his body glow in the light of the room. The pain of penetration was gone from his face, only to be replaced by cardinal joy, a desire that lit Jim up from the inside out. The sight was breathtaking.
How the hell could Leonard have denied them this? What the hell had he been thinking that morning? How could he have told Jim that their one unforgettable night together had been a mistake and that Jim needed to be with someone else besides a jaded, old, divorced doctor who didn’t have the capacity to love anymore? How could he have stupidly pushed Jim into someone else's arms?
He looked into Jim’s blue, blazing eyes and saw the pain, desire, need, and maybe even something more in their depths. He had hurt Jim, something he had been trying to prevent when he pushed him away that morning, deciding for the both of them what he thought was right. He pulled himself up, using his hands to still Jim as he leaned up to capture Jim’s lips, hoping that his kiss would convey his apology.
Jim moaned into the kiss, his hand snaking through Leonard’s hair to pull him closer. After a minute, hour, who the hell knew what the time was, Jim pulled away, shaking his head when Leonard opened his mouth to apologize. Jim lowered Leonard back onto the floor - boy, was he going to be paying for this tomorrow with a sore back and possibly rug burn - before changing his angle slightly and riding Leonard’s dick once again.
Jim must have hit his prostate because the noise that escaped Jim’s mouth quickly kindled Leonard’s burning desire into a raging inferno, the sound so raw, so erotic, Leonard could probably come just from that alone. A part of him knew that he was gripping Jim’s hips too hard, but he couldn’t help himself as Jim slammed repeatedly down onto Leonard. At the pace that Jim was setting, Leonard wasn’t going to last long.
“Jim…” Leonard groaned. “Fuck, Jim, I’m gonna come.”
The last word was more of a guttural sound as Leonard released deep into Jim’s body. He felt the echoing splash of come shoot across his chest as Jim breathed out Leonard’s name.
Once the haze of climax cleared his mind, Leonard maneuvered Jim’s hips so that he could carefully pull out of his ass. Jim released a painful sigh, and Leonard felt a lance of guilt, knowing that Jim probably had a least one anal fissure because of the lack of lube. He put his arms around Jim, motioning him to the side so that he could get up and get his medkit.
“No.” Jim’s voice was uncompromising. “No, stay there. We’re not moving.” He snuggled into Leonard’s neck, wrapping his own arms and legs around him, and Leonard felt the painful twitch of Jim’s body as it reacted to the motion.
“Jim, I need to fix you. You’re probably bleeding as we speak.”
“Don’t care. I’m not letting you go,” Jim mumbled.
“Let me look, Jim.”
“No. Later.” Jim’s kisses alongside his neck were slowly taking away Leonard’s focus, and he couldn’t - shouldn’t be distracted.
“Jim.” This time he used more of his doctor’s voice.
Jim drew away, locking his forearm across Leonard’s chest to keep him from rising.
“No.” Jim’s voice was equally commanding. “We’re not moving until you understand that you no longer get to decide for us. You know jack shit about what’s right, and from now on, you don’t get to make any major decisions for the both of us.”
Jim looked at him, and Leonard could see the commanding officer that he would be in the set of his jaw and the look in his eyes.
“I should’ve never let you talk me out of it that morning. It was a fuckin’ terrible decision, so you used up all your decision-making coupons from now on!” Jim declared.
Coupons? What the fuck was a coupon? The word made Leonard raise his eyebrow, giving Jim a mocking look, which only made Jim frown harder in return.
But Jim was right. Leonard was shit at making relationship decisions, if that was what Jim and he had between them. And his latest one ranked right up there with some of the fucking bad ones he made before his divorce. Leonard always was one to burn his personal bridges - just look at the smoking relics he left behind in Georgia. Hell, he had tried his best to put a damn torch to this one.
Something must have shown on his face because the arm across his chest let up and Jim leaned forward to give Leonard a soft, sensual kiss before pulling away.
“So here’s how this is gonna go. Neither one of us are allowed to have anyone else. You’re it for me, Leonard McCoy. Get that through that thick Southern, stubborn skull of yours.” Leonard opened his mouth, ready to acquiesce to Jim’s “demands,” but Jim glared at him and continued. “You better just shut up and like it because that’s what it’s gonna to be, you dumb ass. No more pushing me away.”
Jim sat above him, his jaw hard and stubborn, waiting for Leonard’s reaction. Leonard focused on Jim’s eyes. Those gorgeous blue eyes were hopeful, fearful and needy all at the same time, and it hurt and thrilled him to be on the receiving end of that look. Even with all the shit that he had put them through, Leonard knew Jim was it for him, too.
“Okay.”
Better to just let his answer be simple. God knew that Leonard seemed to fuck things up when he tried to say more.
“Okay?” Jim hesitated, looking as if he didn’t expect to get his way so quickly. When Leonard didn’t say anything to correct it, a big smile broke out over his face. “Okay,” he said softly before leaning down to seal it with a kiss.
Later, after Leonard talked Jim into letting them up, after he healed the small fissure that Jim had as well as making Jim heal the rug burn abrasion on his spine, they lay in bed, their legs entangled and arms wrapped around each other in the dark of Leonard’s room, exchanging kisses and laughing at themselves for the sweet romantic gestures neither one of them could help making.
Jim gave a contented sigh, followed quickly by a yawn. Leonard felt his own yawn sneak out at the sound. It was getting late. Both of them should get some sleep.
“Go to sleep, Jim. I’ll be here in the morning. I promise.”
“Damn right you’ll be. Your decision-making card has been revoked. All major relationship decisions are now under the jurisdiction of James Tiberius Kirk.” Jim’s tone might have been flippant, but Leonard could hear the undercurrent of apprehension in it. He squeezed his arms tighter around Jim, kissing him on the forehead, promising himself and Jim that he wouldn’t hurt Jim like that again.
He felt Jim relax further, his breaths slowing and becoming more even.
Just when he thought that Jim was on the brink of sleep, Jim quietly spoke. “Do you know the reason why I couldn’t tell Carol that I loved her?”
“No. Why?”
“Because I love someone else instead.”
Leonard started. Once again, Jim was being the brave one here, having the courage to say the words that had previously held a history of pain for both of them, but this time, Leonard wasn’t going to fail him.
“I love you, too, Jim.”
Author: fritz42
Fandom:Star Trek AOS
Characters/Pairings: Kirk/McCoy, Kirk/Carol Marcus (off page and based on ST: WoK character)
Ratings: NC-17
Warnings: slight dub-con, angst, swearing
Word count: 3,873
Beta: The wonderful, brilliant and patient Secretsolitaire. Your insight and guidance has been invaluable. Thank you.
Disclaimer: This wonderful universe is own by Paramount, Gene Roddenberry, JJ Abrams and a host of others. I make no money off this. I am truly only here to play.
Summary: Leonard was the one that pushed Jim into Carol’s arms three months ago, and he regretted that decision ever since. Leonard always was a master at burning his bridges. Luckily, Jim Kirk never let something as trivial as the lack of a bridge stop him.
A/N: The title for this came from the quote by David Russell: The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which bridge to burn.
I initially wrote this story back in 2012, well before STID came out. (Hence the reason why Carol Marcus is based on the Star Trek: Wrath of Khan character.) I was never really satisfied with it, not only the writing but the non-con aspect of it. With wonderful discernment from Secret Solitaire, she helped me wrestle this version into something with which I am much more comfortable.
If, for some reason, you would rather read the initial version, that can still be found here at my LJ fic journal. Or you can email me at fritzfic@gmail.com and I can send you a copy of it.
Which Bridge to Cross and Which Bridge to Burn
It was the chime that confused him.
“Jim? ” Leonard mumbled as he rubbed his eyes. Jim never used the chime. Hacking was his key into Leonard’s dorm room. “Wha’cha doin’ here? I thought you were gonna spend the evening with Carol.”
Which explained why Leonard was standing there late on a Friday night in a t-shirt and sleep pants rather than being out with his best friend, trolling their favorite bars as they'd done most weekends for the past two years.
Jim didn’t answer, but instead brushed past him, roughly body-checking Leonard out of the way.
“Hey!” The exclamation popped out of his mouth as Leonard caught the door frame with his hand. “Damn it, Jim! Watch where you’re goin’.” Rubbing his shoulder, he stepped away from the door, letting it close behind him with a soft swish.
Funny he even heard the noise. His room practically filled with the sound of the anger humming off the lithe body before him. Jim’s hands were balled so tightly into fists, Leonard was glad the kid compulsively chewed his fingernails down to the quick, or Leonard would be cleaning blood off from his floor.
What the hell had happened to him?
For the first time in their history, Leonard felt a brief spark of fear shoot down his spine. Leonard forced his body into a relaxed stance even though his amygdala was screaming to get the hell away or prepare for an attack. This was Jim, his friend. Jim wouldn’t hurt him, no matter what had made him this angry. At least, Leonard hoped that was still true.
“Jim,” Leonard said softly. “It’s okay. Just tell me what happened.”
Jim gave a sharp, derisive laugh. “Yeah, right.” Jim pulled his eyes from Leonard’s face, and a humorless smile appeared as he mocked, “Yeah, everything’s okay.”
“Jim, just tell me what happened,” Leonard repeated.
Time stretched out between them, and Jim still didn’t answer. He stood with his eyes closed, a bitter twist to his lips. Leonard fought to keep from reaching out and touching him.
In the past, Leonard wouldn’t have hesitated to sling an arm around those shoulders while the two of them drank themselves to the needed tongue-loosening stage - a technique both of them had used on each other more times than he could count. But Leonard didn’t have that luxury now.
“Did something happen with Carol?” he asked quietly.
His voice brought Jim’s piercing eyes zeroing back to his.
“Yeah, something happened with Carol. We fucking broke up tonight!”
Oh, thank God.
Leonard wasn’t proud of it, but he couldn’t help the wave of relief that surged through him, even as he felt bad for his friend. It wasn’t that he didn’t like Carol. Hell, she was perfect for Jim. Beautiful in that girl-next-door way. Bright with a wicked sense of humor. At the top of her second-year molecular biology track. She kept Jim on his toes, which was why Jim had gravitated towards her, and why Leonard had encouraged Jim to go out with her.
But Leonard hadn’t expected what developed between the two of them. For the first time since Leonard had known him, Jim had settled into an exclusive relationship. For three months, he’d been spending more and more of his time with Carol, devoting much of his free time away from Leonard, leaving only the occasional meal and study session here and there for the two of them.
And Leonard had hated it.
Shame hit him hard as he looked at his friend, that handsome face without its perpetual grin. Underneath it all, Jim was hurting, and all he could think was "thank God it was over"? What kind of fucking friend was he?
Pulling his head out of his own selfish ass, Leonard chanced a small step forward. “I’m sorry, Jim,” he said.
“Fuck!” Jim growled as he started to pace.
Leonard closed the distance between them. “What happened?” he asked as he gave into the need to touch his friend, to provide some measure of physical comfort. He almost hummed in pleasure at the contact.
Jim slapped away his hand, and Leonard jerked back, shocked.
“I’ll tell you what happened. She fucking told me that she loved me.”
“Wha…?” Leonard sputtered. He had expected to hear something like Carol just wanted to be friends or Leonard’s personal favorite: she found someone else. He shook his head. “Wait. That doesn’t make any sense.”
Jim glared at him, his lip curling up in a snarl, before he bit out the words as if he had to talk slowly to help Leonard’s comprehension. “She. Told me. She. Loved. Me.”
The words squeezed Leonard’s stomach like a vice. Oh, sweet Jesus. Their relationship was more serious than he thought.
“I don’t understand, Jim,” Leonard said hoarsely. He swallowed down the emotional bile that threatened to come up his throat. “Isn’t that a good thing?”
“Not when I fucking couldn’t say it back to her. She cried, Bones.” Jim took a ragged breath.
That sound did something to Leonard, twisting and yanking at his heart. Jim was hurting, and he didn’t ever want to hear that sound again. It muzzled every selfish thought that had been clambering and yapping in his head since Jim had pushed his way through the door. He had to find a way to reassure Jim, to help him try to fix this.
Even if it carved out a piece of his own heart when he did it.
Leonard took a deep breath. “Well, Jim. Just give it some time. You’ll be able to say it to her eventually. Not everyone falls in love on the same timetable.”
Those words were a mistake, and Leonard knew it immediately when Jim’s eyes flared with anger once again.
“You don’t fucking get it, do you? You’ve never fucking gotten it!”
Jim’s arms shot out and grabbed him before he could even begin to form a response. For a moment, Leonard feared that he would finally be on the receiving end of Jim Kirk’s famous fists, before Jim yanked him to his chest and crushed his lips under his.
The kiss was full of anger and turmoil, bruising Leonard’s lips, but underneath it, Leonard could still feel the pain that fueled it all. He tried to keep himself unresponsive, but damn it, it had been so long. His lips started to melt under the onslaught as Jim’s hand slid up alongside Leonard’s jaw, anchoring his head in place.
A second later, sanity slammed back into place.
Leonard stiffened and yanked his head away. “Damn it, Jim. I told you we couldn’t do this.” He used his hands to push Jim back.
Shit. The fucker had wrapped his leg around Leonard’s without him realizing it, and it caused him to trip. With arms flailing, Leonard grabbed on to the only thing available - Jim - and he pulled Jim down with him as they tumbled backwards onto the floor.
Luckily, Jim cushioned Leonard’s head with one of his hands, using the other one to brace himself on the floor as he fell on top of Leonard. Even so, Leonard’s ass still landed hard with a bone-rattling jar.
“Fuck, Jim! That hurt!” Leonard snapped.
A look of remorse appeared over Jim’s face, accompanying the hurt still visible in his eyes. “I’m sorry, Bones.”
Leonard’s heart gave a little, disloyal skip, and he pulled his eyes away. No. This was still a no-win situation. Nothing good could come of this. Not when he could feel every inch of Jim’s firm body along the length of his.
“Get off me,” Leonard said, his voice soft but firm, as he started to shift Jim to the side.
Jim’s expression quickly changed and his lips tightened into a stubborn line as he executed a maneuver that forced Leonard back onto the floor. A ragged sound escaped Leonard’s mouth, and if he were forced to tell the truth, he wouldn’t be able to say if it had been a moan of pain or a reaction to feeling Jim’s hard length pressing down alongside his own aroused, traitorous dick.
With his face to the side of Leonard’s, Jim took a deep breath and growled, no doubt taking in the smell of the desire that was quickly overwhelming Leonard. “You got to decide that morning. Let me decide this time.”
Jim ran his tongue along Leonard’s jaw, sweeping it down the side of his neck, and Leonard couldn’t help but tilt his head to give Jim more access. He felt Jim’s lips part in a smile before they sucked hard on the pulse beating rapidly in Leonard’s neck, and Leonard cried out with the jolt of electricity that shot through him, lighting up every nerve, as it traveled down through his body.
Desperately, Leonard tried to hold on to some sort of logical control, but Jim wasn’t making it easy for him. That warm mouth had moved to suck on his Adam’s apple, and he felt his eyes roll back into his head as that moist touch flared all the way to his groin. Jim assaulted his neck, biting and smoothing each nip with a tantalizing tease with the tip of his tongue.
“Jim, stop. We shouldn’t do this,” he pleaded.
Raising his head, Jim hovered over Leonard’s face. “Yeah, we should,” he chided gently before capturing Leonard’s lips, smothering and pushing his weak objection back down into his throat.
This time, Jim’s kiss was less punishing. His tongue swept over Leonard’s lips, its tip teasing his upper lip, going from corner to corner, before sucking on the bottom one. Jim’s teeth razed lightly over the surface, and Leonard opened his mouth to suck in an uneven breath. He heard Jim’s soft sound of elation before his tongue slipped into Leonard’s mouth. Leonard could have sworn every nerve ending and every taste bud was hardwired to his groin because every flick of Jim’s tongue, the taste of his mouth, was making his own dick harder and harder.
He tried to murmur some kind of dissent, but that just seemed to intensify Jim’s determination. He felt Jim’s hand sneak under his t-shirt, and the feel of Jim’s skin on his made his remaining resolve burn up in the intensity that Jim was stoking in his body. Leonard ground his hips up into Jim’s. He felt Jim smile along his lips before he suddenly pulled away, leaving Leonard gasping.
Jim pulled him up to a sitting position before reaching down to tear off his t-shirt. Jim’s own jacket and shirt quickly followed before Jim pushed him back down to capture his nipples, lightly pulling them with his teeth. It was as if Jim had cataloged every point on Leonard’s body, knowing which to touch, stroke or bite in turn, and Leonard’s body sang with every one of them.
He no longer knew where he was; he no longer cared. His half-hearted complaints turned into obscene moans under Jim’s hands, and all he could think was how he wanted - no, needed - more until he was a quivering mess, a jangle of stimulated nerve endings under Jim’s warm mouth and hands.
Suddenly, Jim pulled away, and Leonard whimpered with the loss. His hands reached out for Jim, but Jim had swung his legs off from Leonard’s body. Leonard peeled open his eyes, not knowing when he even closed them, and he blinked several times to take in the sight.
Jim had stripped off his jeans, flinging them away, and he stood in all his naked glory. His penis stood hard and erect, dropping away from his stomach with its weight, its tip leaking with drops of moisture. Leonard greedily took in the image that he had been denying himself these past three months, two weeks and four days, and his own dick throbbed with the sight.
“Oh, god.” The whispered exclamation escaped his lips as Leonard tore his eyes away.
He felt Jim’s hands on the waistband of his sleep pants, and before he could form any protest - protest, who the fuck was he kidding - Jim had stripped them off his body and was quickly sliding back up, his heated skin lighting up every skin cell of Leonard’s along the way, making a layer of sweat break out between them. This only heightened the wave of desire building in Leonard, and he moaned loudly before Jim captured his mouth once again.
Lips, hands, dicks. It was all a blur, and for the first time in over a decade, Leonard thought he was going to come, all without any major stroking of his penis, feeling that tell-tale sign of his balls tightening.
Jim’s lips left his, and he greedily sucked in a needed lungful of breath before three of Jim’s fingers were shoved into his mouth.
Realization hit him.
“No. No.” Leonard tried to talk around the fingers as anxiety quickly cooled the inferno of passion that had been ravaging his body.
This was not how he wanted this to finally be reenacted. He had never been taken using only spit, and he had dreamt of being with Jim again for too long to have this memory tainted by the pain that he knew he’d suffer with only saliva as a lubricant. He shoved against Jim’s chest, feeling his dick soften with the panic that was surging through him.
Jim pulled his fingers from Leonard’s mouth only to stick them back in his own, coating them heavily with his own saliva. Leonard's fear must have shown on his face.
”Bones.” Jim gave him an admonishing look before reaching back to work himself open, grimacing with that first breach of his fingers.
“Jim, no,” Leonard said, hearing the hitch in Jim’s breathing, knowing that he was being too rough with himself. It had to hurt like hell. “There’s lube right up there. C’mon. Let’s just go to bed.”
Pulling his hand away, Jim pushed himself down Leonard’s legs. Leonard sat up, ready to follow Jim to the comfort of a mattress under his back, when Jim pushed him back to the floor.
“Whose turn is it to decide?” Jim reminded him in a gentle voice before engulfing Leonard’s dick into his warm and sinful mouth.
“Holy fuck.” Leonard’s head fell back with a thud.
Jim used every trick in the book, sucking, swirling, even the nerve-tightening feel of teeth over the shaft and head of his penis, making it slick and quickly bringing it back to full hardness. Jim pulled off with a sloppy pop, easing Leonard’s hands out of his hair, before sitting up with a shit-eating grin on his face. He swung his leg over Leonard’s hips, grabbing his penis and guiding it quickly to his own hole before Leonard could even formulate an objection in the incoherent recesses of his mind.
Somehow, Leonard was able to command his hands to grab Jim’s hips in order to keep Jim from impaling himself and tearing himself to pieces. Leonard held Jim steady, making him sink slowly down, and Leonard watched as the pain made Jim clench his eyes shut. He held Jim still once he was fully seated, even though Leonard’s own body was screaming to let Jim movemovemove.
After hardly any time at all, Jim was pushing his hands away, riding Leonard in slow, sensual motions that lit a fire up Leonard’s spine. The sensations were overwhelming. This time he returned his hands to Jim’s hips, not to prevent him from moving, but to encourage a pace that they both could enjoy.
He watched Jim, his golden head leaning back, a sheen of sweat making his body glow in the light of the room. The pain of penetration was gone from his face, only to be replaced by cardinal joy, a desire that lit Jim up from the inside out. The sight was breathtaking.
How the hell could Leonard have denied them this? What the hell had he been thinking that morning? How could he have told Jim that their one unforgettable night together had been a mistake and that Jim needed to be with someone else besides a jaded, old, divorced doctor who didn’t have the capacity to love anymore? How could he have stupidly pushed Jim into someone else's arms?
He looked into Jim’s blue, blazing eyes and saw the pain, desire, need, and maybe even something more in their depths. He had hurt Jim, something he had been trying to prevent when he pushed him away that morning, deciding for the both of them what he thought was right. He pulled himself up, using his hands to still Jim as he leaned up to capture Jim’s lips, hoping that his kiss would convey his apology.
Jim moaned into the kiss, his hand snaking through Leonard’s hair to pull him closer. After a minute, hour, who the hell knew what the time was, Jim pulled away, shaking his head when Leonard opened his mouth to apologize. Jim lowered Leonard back onto the floor - boy, was he going to be paying for this tomorrow with a sore back and possibly rug burn - before changing his angle slightly and riding Leonard’s dick once again.
Jim must have hit his prostate because the noise that escaped Jim’s mouth quickly kindled Leonard’s burning desire into a raging inferno, the sound so raw, so erotic, Leonard could probably come just from that alone. A part of him knew that he was gripping Jim’s hips too hard, but he couldn’t help himself as Jim slammed repeatedly down onto Leonard. At the pace that Jim was setting, Leonard wasn’t going to last long.
“Jim…” Leonard groaned. “Fuck, Jim, I’m gonna come.”
The last word was more of a guttural sound as Leonard released deep into Jim’s body. He felt the echoing splash of come shoot across his chest as Jim breathed out Leonard’s name.
Once the haze of climax cleared his mind, Leonard maneuvered Jim’s hips so that he could carefully pull out of his ass. Jim released a painful sigh, and Leonard felt a lance of guilt, knowing that Jim probably had a least one anal fissure because of the lack of lube. He put his arms around Jim, motioning him to the side so that he could get up and get his medkit.
“No.” Jim’s voice was uncompromising. “No, stay there. We’re not moving.” He snuggled into Leonard’s neck, wrapping his own arms and legs around him, and Leonard felt the painful twitch of Jim’s body as it reacted to the motion.
“Jim, I need to fix you. You’re probably bleeding as we speak.”
“Don’t care. I’m not letting you go,” Jim mumbled.
“Let me look, Jim.”
“No. Later.” Jim’s kisses alongside his neck were slowly taking away Leonard’s focus, and he couldn’t - shouldn’t be distracted.
“Jim.” This time he used more of his doctor’s voice.
Jim drew away, locking his forearm across Leonard’s chest to keep him from rising.
“No.” Jim’s voice was equally commanding. “We’re not moving until you understand that you no longer get to decide for us. You know jack shit about what’s right, and from now on, you don’t get to make any major decisions for the both of us.”
Jim looked at him, and Leonard could see the commanding officer that he would be in the set of his jaw and the look in his eyes.
“I should’ve never let you talk me out of it that morning. It was a fuckin’ terrible decision, so you used up all your decision-making coupons from now on!” Jim declared.
Coupons? What the fuck was a coupon? The word made Leonard raise his eyebrow, giving Jim a mocking look, which only made Jim frown harder in return.
But Jim was right. Leonard was shit at making relationship decisions, if that was what Jim and he had between them. And his latest one ranked right up there with some of the fucking bad ones he made before his divorce. Leonard always was one to burn his personal bridges - just look at the smoking relics he left behind in Georgia. Hell, he had tried his best to put a damn torch to this one.
Something must have shown on his face because the arm across his chest let up and Jim leaned forward to give Leonard a soft, sensual kiss before pulling away.
“So here’s how this is gonna go. Neither one of us are allowed to have anyone else. You’re it for me, Leonard McCoy. Get that through that thick Southern, stubborn skull of yours.” Leonard opened his mouth, ready to acquiesce to Jim’s “demands,” but Jim glared at him and continued. “You better just shut up and like it because that’s what it’s gonna to be, you dumb ass. No more pushing me away.”
Jim sat above him, his jaw hard and stubborn, waiting for Leonard’s reaction. Leonard focused on Jim’s eyes. Those gorgeous blue eyes were hopeful, fearful and needy all at the same time, and it hurt and thrilled him to be on the receiving end of that look. Even with all the shit that he had put them through, Leonard knew Jim was it for him, too.
“Okay.”
Better to just let his answer be simple. God knew that Leonard seemed to fuck things up when he tried to say more.
“Okay?” Jim hesitated, looking as if he didn’t expect to get his way so quickly. When Leonard didn’t say anything to correct it, a big smile broke out over his face. “Okay,” he said softly before leaning down to seal it with a kiss.
Later, after Leonard talked Jim into letting them up, after he healed the small fissure that Jim had as well as making Jim heal the rug burn abrasion on his spine, they lay in bed, their legs entangled and arms wrapped around each other in the dark of Leonard’s room, exchanging kisses and laughing at themselves for the sweet romantic gestures neither one of them could help making.
Jim gave a contented sigh, followed quickly by a yawn. Leonard felt his own yawn sneak out at the sound. It was getting late. Both of them should get some sleep.
“Go to sleep, Jim. I’ll be here in the morning. I promise.”
“Damn right you’ll be. Your decision-making card has been revoked. All major relationship decisions are now under the jurisdiction of James Tiberius Kirk.” Jim’s tone might have been flippant, but Leonard could hear the undercurrent of apprehension in it. He squeezed his arms tighter around Jim, kissing him on the forehead, promising himself and Jim that he wouldn’t hurt Jim like that again.
He felt Jim relax further, his breaths slowing and becoming more even.
Just when he thought that Jim was on the brink of sleep, Jim quietly spoke. “Do you know the reason why I couldn’t tell Carol that I loved her?”
“No. Why?”
“Because I love someone else instead.”
Leonard started. Once again, Jim was being the brave one here, having the courage to say the words that had previously held a history of pain for both of them, but this time, Leonard wasn’t going to fail him.
“I love you, too, Jim.”