As Time Marches On
I wish I could go back in time sometimes. Not like years back to some other century or even back to my childhood. No, I wish I could rewind myself back by a few months.
About four months, to be exact. And when I rewound (I don't care if it's not a word) I'd take back what I know now... everything I've learned and gained in myself. The things I needed back then that I aquired too late.
Patience and Understanding. Self Confidence, too. No longer pride, but just reassurance of myself from myself. Things I was on the road to learning when I changed my ways back in August and had to grow into-mature into-before I could do anything with them. Things that I matured into over Winter Break.
Amy is over, now. I'm not troubled by it; I don't want someone like that. And the lessons I learned about myself as my family and social situations thrust me into a more adult maturity are invaluable to me. I'm not as happy as I was at this moment, but I have no doubt I will be again. And I'm stronger and have many more resources at my disposal. That's how these things occur: you gain them in process.
Those are the things I wish I had four months ago when I needed them: patience, understanding, self-confidence rather than selfish pride.
Since I've attained these things, my thoughts have drifted to Heather often. More and more in recent weeks, in fact. I think I understand why she is so upset, and more, it pains me that she is so upset. I want to take away that hurt from her. I feel that we both over-reacted to things last December... I was not patient enough, didn't try hard enough to understand, was too self-concerned to know in that moment that what I needed to focus on was her, not me. Now all I want to do is discuss what happened. As I said in last post, discuss our versions of truth and let genuine regard for each other--Love--lead us to common ground.
Then something interesting occured. A week ago, She unblocked my JoeRude screenname. For the first time in months, her name was again at the top of my buddylist. I checked to find that her myspace profile was also unblocked. In her profile was one of our songs-Waiting for April. I answered back in my profile with a few lines of another of our songs, not sure why she had unblocked me and put that song in her profile. Hope sprung up in me--Was she trying to tell me something? Did she want to see what I would do? Or could it be something I was reading too much into? Was she now sharing our songs and things with someone new? And worse, was it with Him?
I tried to put these things out of my head. I've been waiting since, hoping for some more sign that she wanted to talk to me. So far, however, the only things have been periodical changes in profile and away messages. Now the Ataris grace her profile; a song we've held dear to us since we began dating.
A part of me feels like I should just take the risk and contact her, but she asked me not to after she left Binghamton. I don't want to dishonor her request. It's taking the patience I've learned since she's been gone to keep me from doing it. No doubt she's scared of all of this. I mean, I'd guess she sees this as the third time I've 'changed' and come back to her. And given how the last two times have turned out, she's plenty hurt. Does she really want to risk me again?
I know I come up against a thousand obstacles. Those I once called my most trusted friends, after taking in parts of the many truths floating around, now give me looks that say a thosand words: they seem to be looks of pity and contempt, sometimes. I don't know how accurate that perception is, but they don't come to me to take my account or to be friends to me. I feel they unfairly represent me, because they have no way of understanding what I've personally gone through; they have a truth they've taken without attempting to understand the others floating around. More daunting, however, is the damage I've already laid, whether I've actually done it (i.e. my behavior a year ago) or it's only been percieved that I've done something.
It's not about the obstacles, however. It's about a need that lies in someone else. Today she is celebrating her first successful weather forcast, according to her away, and I am proud of her. She's celebrating by watching "Ever After," the movie we watched in my dorm room the last night I was on campus four years ago...
I was packing up my things and invited her to come over to my place in Broome Hall. It was May, 2004, and she had been bugging me to see this film because she knew how much I enjoyed fairy tales and new interpretations of them. My room was a disaster of boxes and crap, and I remember using a lint roller to clean Ira's rug since he'd left without it and I'd have to take it home. Heather laughed at me for that one and has yet to let me live it down. We sat on my bare bed with just a blanket over us--the blanket that even now lies on my bed--and watched the movie on my computer, which I'd become accustomed to rigging up over my desk since I often hosted many movie nights in my room. That night--early morning, actually--it was just Heather and I. We watched Ever After and I really did enjoy it. Then we fell asleep together in my bed. She woke up early that morning, before my father had gotten there, and as I groggily began to rise she left, which filled me with sadness. I was thinking of her as my Dad and I packed up the car. I told my dad I had to go to the ATM in the Lecture Hall before I left campus that day. And there she was as I walked to the ATM... I always loved randomly bumping into her, but that day I remember it made me smile so very brightly. We said goodbye again, our usual holding of hands and reluctantly letting go once more. We hadn't even kissed yet, but I was falling.
I bought her the DVD for our First Year Anniversary (I believe) in 2005.
I think I might watch it tonight myself.
About four months, to be exact. And when I rewound (I don't care if it's not a word) I'd take back what I know now... everything I've learned and gained in myself. The things I needed back then that I aquired too late.
Patience and Understanding. Self Confidence, too. No longer pride, but just reassurance of myself from myself. Things I was on the road to learning when I changed my ways back in August and had to grow into-mature into-before I could do anything with them. Things that I matured into over Winter Break.
Amy is over, now. I'm not troubled by it; I don't want someone like that. And the lessons I learned about myself as my family and social situations thrust me into a more adult maturity are invaluable to me. I'm not as happy as I was at this moment, but I have no doubt I will be again. And I'm stronger and have many more resources at my disposal. That's how these things occur: you gain them in process.
Those are the things I wish I had four months ago when I needed them: patience, understanding, self-confidence rather than selfish pride.
Since I've attained these things, my thoughts have drifted to Heather often. More and more in recent weeks, in fact. I think I understand why she is so upset, and more, it pains me that she is so upset. I want to take away that hurt from her. I feel that we both over-reacted to things last December... I was not patient enough, didn't try hard enough to understand, was too self-concerned to know in that moment that what I needed to focus on was her, not me. Now all I want to do is discuss what happened. As I said in last post, discuss our versions of truth and let genuine regard for each other--Love--lead us to common ground.
Then something interesting occured. A week ago, She unblocked my JoeRude screenname. For the first time in months, her name was again at the top of my buddylist. I checked to find that her myspace profile was also unblocked. In her profile was one of our songs-Waiting for April. I answered back in my profile with a few lines of another of our songs, not sure why she had unblocked me and put that song in her profile. Hope sprung up in me--Was she trying to tell me something? Did she want to see what I would do? Or could it be something I was reading too much into? Was she now sharing our songs and things with someone new? And worse, was it with Him?
I tried to put these things out of my head. I've been waiting since, hoping for some more sign that she wanted to talk to me. So far, however, the only things have been periodical changes in profile and away messages. Now the Ataris grace her profile; a song we've held dear to us since we began dating.
A part of me feels like I should just take the risk and contact her, but she asked me not to after she left Binghamton. I don't want to dishonor her request. It's taking the patience I've learned since she's been gone to keep me from doing it. No doubt she's scared of all of this. I mean, I'd guess she sees this as the third time I've 'changed' and come back to her. And given how the last two times have turned out, she's plenty hurt. Does she really want to risk me again?
I know I come up against a thousand obstacles. Those I once called my most trusted friends, after taking in parts of the many truths floating around, now give me looks that say a thosand words: they seem to be looks of pity and contempt, sometimes. I don't know how accurate that perception is, but they don't come to me to take my account or to be friends to me. I feel they unfairly represent me, because they have no way of understanding what I've personally gone through; they have a truth they've taken without attempting to understand the others floating around. More daunting, however, is the damage I've already laid, whether I've actually done it (i.e. my behavior a year ago) or it's only been percieved that I've done something.
It's not about the obstacles, however. It's about a need that lies in someone else. Today she is celebrating her first successful weather forcast, according to her away, and I am proud of her. She's celebrating by watching "Ever After," the movie we watched in my dorm room the last night I was on campus four years ago...
I was packing up my things and invited her to come over to my place in Broome Hall. It was May, 2004, and she had been bugging me to see this film because she knew how much I enjoyed fairy tales and new interpretations of them. My room was a disaster of boxes and crap, and I remember using a lint roller to clean Ira's rug since he'd left without it and I'd have to take it home. Heather laughed at me for that one and has yet to let me live it down. We sat on my bare bed with just a blanket over us--the blanket that even now lies on my bed--and watched the movie on my computer, which I'd become accustomed to rigging up over my desk since I often hosted many movie nights in my room. That night--early morning, actually--it was just Heather and I. We watched Ever After and I really did enjoy it. Then we fell asleep together in my bed. She woke up early that morning, before my father had gotten there, and as I groggily began to rise she left, which filled me with sadness. I was thinking of her as my Dad and I packed up the car. I told my dad I had to go to the ATM in the Lecture Hall before I left campus that day. And there she was as I walked to the ATM... I always loved randomly bumping into her, but that day I remember it made me smile so very brightly. We said goodbye again, our usual holding of hands and reluctantly letting go once more. We hadn't even kissed yet, but I was falling.
I bought her the DVD for our First Year Anniversary (I believe) in 2005.
I think I might watch it tonight myself.