Questions
I’m so mentally fucked up right now. Seriously. I’m running on 1 hour of sleep. I couldn’t stop thinking about this whole thing. When I walked into Hollister, possibly the saddest breakup song was playing. Goddamn Damien Rice. Oh well. Whatever.
How can I say that though? “Whatever”. It just doesn’t fit the bill this time.
This relationship was so much more than “Whatever”. I told him last night that the best thing that could have come from this relationship was me learning something, but I feel that I have learned a much harder lesson. The kind of lesson that puts your stomach into knots. The kind of lesson that in the back of your mind, makes you just want to stop and curl up in a ball. I know what he meant by curing up in the fetal position. The kind of lesson you are supposed to learn from, but it leaves you with so many questions.
What was our relationship worth? Is the pain that I’m feeling now worth the happiness that I once found? Will I ever find happiness? Will I ever find a way to cope? How am I going to get through Monday? How is this going to affect the yearbook? My social life? My friends? Me? Will the new friendships that I have forged be the same? How am I going to hang out with him when he finds a new boyfriend? How is he going to react when I start dating? How is that going to change our relationship? How are we supposed to stay friends? How am I supposed to move on? How is he moving on so fast? How can I move on faster? I know I love him, and he knows that, but does he love me? Does he REALLY love me? If he does, why is he putting me through so, so, so much pain?
That little number was what I was thinking last night from about 2-7. Call me tonight if you want to know what’s going through my mind.
God, why can’t I just shut down and cry. That is what I really need. I can only be so strong, and I know I need to stay strong, but why does this have to hurt so much. The boy that I love, the boy that I would do anything for, the boy that supposedly loves me, the boy that I LOVE is making me hurt so much. I just can’t do this, or take this, or live this anymore.
Why me? I work so hard to get what I want, yet no matter what, it always comes crumbling down around my feet.
How can I say that though? “Whatever”. It just doesn’t fit the bill this time.
This relationship was so much more than “Whatever”. I told him last night that the best thing that could have come from this relationship was me learning something, but I feel that I have learned a much harder lesson. The kind of lesson that puts your stomach into knots. The kind of lesson that in the back of your mind, makes you just want to stop and curl up in a ball. I know what he meant by curing up in the fetal position. The kind of lesson you are supposed to learn from, but it leaves you with so many questions.
What was our relationship worth? Is the pain that I’m feeling now worth the happiness that I once found? Will I ever find happiness? Will I ever find a way to cope? How am I going to get through Monday? How is this going to affect the yearbook? My social life? My friends? Me? Will the new friendships that I have forged be the same? How am I going to hang out with him when he finds a new boyfriend? How is he going to react when I start dating? How is that going to change our relationship? How are we supposed to stay friends? How am I supposed to move on? How is he moving on so fast? How can I move on faster? I know I love him, and he knows that, but does he love me? Does he REALLY love me? If he does, why is he putting me through so, so, so much pain?
That little number was what I was thinking last night from about 2-7. Call me tonight if you want to know what’s going through my mind.
God, why can’t I just shut down and cry. That is what I really need. I can only be so strong, and I know I need to stay strong, but why does this have to hurt so much. The boy that I love, the boy that I would do anything for, the boy that supposedly loves me, the boy that I LOVE is making me hurt so much. I just can’t do this, or take this, or live this anymore.
Why me? I work so hard to get what I want, yet no matter what, it always comes crumbling down around my feet.