*snif*
Alright. So here is the thing. I really, really, reallyreallyreally hate that I vest so much time into other things besides my own. The Stiqayu continually screws me upside down and backwards. The Yearbook is a feeble attempt to catch up with the other “award winning” books. My grades are good, but I could do better. Jackson has overrun my life, and I continue to let it happen event after event. What else? Oh , I constantly lie to myself every, single, solitary, moment. I’m such a dishonest person, it drives me nuts. Worst off, I am dishonest to myself.
Mostly, though. I just want to see him succeeded. I want him to do well. I want him to be secure. As the days click by and I scratch another day off of my time here in Washington, it just makes me remember that it is one day less that I am going to be spending with him. It drives me crazy. I am so vested in planning out how I can make him secure, take care of him even when I am away, that I am planning so little for myself. It is OK though. I know that. It might not seem ok, but you would do the same thing for those you care about.
And grades are not even it. Yes, I do want him to be able to go to a college that he likes, and yes, I do want him to be successful, but it still worries me. The things that he loves, like cheer, can disappear if he doesn’t fully apply himself. What am I going to do? I can continue to tell myself that I need to help him, that I want to help him, but I just don’t know how to keep going. I don’t want this to be a repeat of his freshman year. I wanted him to succeeded so much. He told me that he was going to make things work. But it didn’t. I know that, he knows that. That is why I was so mad. I put so much effort into they boy that I loved, I was told what I was going to get, but nothing happened. Nothing worked. Nothing.
*snif*
God, I hate this. I hate having to worry about other people. Why can’t I just be selfish. Why can’t I make the world revolve around me, instead of me making the world revolve around everyone else. The person that brings me in, tell me who I am, shows me what it is like, however and sadly, probably will never come.
Mostly, though. I just want to see him succeeded. I want him to do well. I want him to be secure. As the days click by and I scratch another day off of my time here in Washington, it just makes me remember that it is one day less that I am going to be spending with him. It drives me crazy. I am so vested in planning out how I can make him secure, take care of him even when I am away, that I am planning so little for myself. It is OK though. I know that. It might not seem ok, but you would do the same thing for those you care about.
And grades are not even it. Yes, I do want him to be able to go to a college that he likes, and yes, I do want him to be successful, but it still worries me. The things that he loves, like cheer, can disappear if he doesn’t fully apply himself. What am I going to do? I can continue to tell myself that I need to help him, that I want to help him, but I just don’t know how to keep going. I don’t want this to be a repeat of his freshman year. I wanted him to succeeded so much. He told me that he was going to make things work. But it didn’t. I know that, he knows that. That is why I was so mad. I put so much effort into they boy that I loved, I was told what I was going to get, but nothing happened. Nothing worked. Nothing.
*snif*
God, I hate this. I hate having to worry about other people. Why can’t I just be selfish. Why can’t I make the world revolve around me, instead of me making the world revolve around everyone else. The person that brings me in, tell me who I am, shows me what it is like, however and sadly, probably will never come.