Bitterness and Remorse
Wow. I just read Dylan's lj comment from today. That was, well, cold.
I hate the fact sometimes that I can’t every say anything bad about Dylan. Yes, I do talk shit about the boy but I can’t shake the pain away. It hurts for me to feel that way, but apparently things aren’t the same for him. And the whole thing about these Dan and Christopher guys, whatever. I still love the kid, and that really hurts, but why does he insist on acting like this? If he says that he loves me, even as a friend, why must he play these stupid games. I’m tired of it. I just want to rewind back to when I was stable.
He texted me today too about when we are exchanging gifts. I kinda feel weird about spending the day personalizing his, but whatever. I want to give him something that will close this whole vicious cycle. He is giving me something, but I want to make sure what I give him is gonna be something that he will remember. I worry though that he might try to return it. He is so pissed at me right now, I don’t know that to do.
That is another thing that I don’t understand. Why is he so mad at me. I want space, I need space, I have to have space from Dylan to heal. To finally get over him. Heck, that is what he wants too at this point. He just wants me to move on. That is partly why he is pushed me so hard to date Even. Yes, Even is hot. Yes, I could and probably would date Even. But no, I’m not going to. I don’t want a boyfriend at this point. I don’t want to run the risk of what happened with Dylan happening all over again, at least until my Freshman year starts.
Yesterday was so great though. I picked Dylan up and we went tanning together. He was so excited and I was frankly excited for him. He has wanted me to take him for a long time, and I really enjoyed doing it for him. I needed to go anyways, so everything worked in the long run. After that we hit my place and we cleaned up. Tanning oil is hell on the skin, and I wanted to make sure I got it off ASAP. After that we hit his house, I wrapped Helene’s present for him while he go ready, and we hit the road towards Gay Skate.
And then we got lost. He fell asleep for about 20min while I was driving around, and he looked so peaceful. I just wanted to keep him safe, and he seemed content. Once we got there, Gay Skate went relatively well. Even and I talked for a long time, with Helene and Zarich(sp?) dropping in every so often to join in on the conversation. We talked about everything, from Dylan and I, to Dylan, to relationships, to me, to fat dykes, to family life. It was good to get to know these people better though. They are all really cool, down to earth kinda guys (and in Helene’s case girls). It is good to just meet people outside of Jackson. After that we headed out. That is where things took a turn for the worst.
Are you still out there? I know this is long, but it will all make sense soon. I figure too that if Dylan is reading this, he can at least hear my side of the story. But I also have come to the conclusion that since he ripped up my last letter, I doubt he is reading this.
Anyways, Dylan wanted to know how things went. It almost seemed like he was pushing me on to Even. Now, don’t get me wrong, that isn’t a bad thing, but coming from him, it just hurt. I was just sick of this whole thing. Having the person you love so much tell you that you should be interested in someone else is painful. I just wanted to cry, but I didn’t.
He is gonna get really pissed off that I am writing this hear, but oh well. I really worry about Dyaln. I don’t think that he always makes smart choices, and when he doesn’t no one is there to help him fix that. I just want to be there for him. To love him, to protect him, to be a stable force in his life. If I can’t have him, then someone else should help him. Help him figure out the difference between right and wrong. Dylan is a smart kid. He knows a lot about life, and how it operates. But sometimes I don’t think that he forecasts situations very well. If you read back in his lj a couple of months, he notes the time when we got in a fight over him pulling out money at his bank. I worried about him then, that is all that was wrong. I worried about how he was going to have enough money since he wasn’t working. I worried about how he was going to pay for things. That is mostly why I have supported him so much. I want him to simply save, to build for his future. A future that won’t necessarily involve me. I just wanted to protect him, but instead, he took the offensive. I was hurt, but I moved on.
Dylan, I don’t think that you are a little kid, I just want to protect you and be there for you, that’s all.
And then we arrived at Bell Square. Even first thing ask “What happened?” I think it was pretty clear, from the moment Helene and I detoured to talk and find her sushi to the moment Dylan switched seats with Even to simply avoid me. The night finally culminated in me talking with Helene and Even. Even and I talked though a lot of stuff, and in the end, I was satisfied and somewhat bitter. I couldn’t understand why Dylan wouldn’t let me into his life. Then Helene asked me why I still loved Dylan. I love his smile, his mannerisms, his humor, the ability he has to make me smile, laugh, and feel safe. I remembered the times when we just snuggled together. I felt so complete, safe, and happy. I just ended up cracking, tearing up, and crying on her shoulder. It hurt too much.
We ended up driving back together. Dylan didn’t understand why I needed space. I still don’t think he does. He wants me there (or did until last night) and I want to be there for him. To protect him, love him, and be a stable force in his life. He doesn’t want that though, and I need to accept that.
When I dropped him off, I got a look like none other. It was filled with hate, rage, and anger. I tried to grab him and mouth “I’m sorry… I’ll always love you,” but I only got to the first half. He was gone so fast.
So with 3 pages under my belt, I need to get to work. Call me though. I need to talk this out with someone. I need and unbiased opinion on what to do next. I don’t know how to handle this any longer. Sometimes, I wish that I could simply end the pain I am going through, but I have to stay strong. I have to. Damnit.
I hate the fact sometimes that I can’t every say anything bad about Dylan. Yes, I do talk shit about the boy but I can’t shake the pain away. It hurts for me to feel that way, but apparently things aren’t the same for him. And the whole thing about these Dan and Christopher guys, whatever. I still love the kid, and that really hurts, but why does he insist on acting like this? If he says that he loves me, even as a friend, why must he play these stupid games. I’m tired of it. I just want to rewind back to when I was stable.
He texted me today too about when we are exchanging gifts. I kinda feel weird about spending the day personalizing his, but whatever. I want to give him something that will close this whole vicious cycle. He is giving me something, but I want to make sure what I give him is gonna be something that he will remember. I worry though that he might try to return it. He is so pissed at me right now, I don’t know that to do.
That is another thing that I don’t understand. Why is he so mad at me. I want space, I need space, I have to have space from Dylan to heal. To finally get over him. Heck, that is what he wants too at this point. He just wants me to move on. That is partly why he is pushed me so hard to date Even. Yes, Even is hot. Yes, I could and probably would date Even. But no, I’m not going to. I don’t want a boyfriend at this point. I don’t want to run the risk of what happened with Dylan happening all over again, at least until my Freshman year starts.
Yesterday was so great though. I picked Dylan up and we went tanning together. He was so excited and I was frankly excited for him. He has wanted me to take him for a long time, and I really enjoyed doing it for him. I needed to go anyways, so everything worked in the long run. After that we hit my place and we cleaned up. Tanning oil is hell on the skin, and I wanted to make sure I got it off ASAP. After that we hit his house, I wrapped Helene’s present for him while he go ready, and we hit the road towards Gay Skate.
And then we got lost. He fell asleep for about 20min while I was driving around, and he looked so peaceful. I just wanted to keep him safe, and he seemed content. Once we got there, Gay Skate went relatively well. Even and I talked for a long time, with Helene and Zarich(sp?) dropping in every so often to join in on the conversation. We talked about everything, from Dylan and I, to Dylan, to relationships, to me, to fat dykes, to family life. It was good to get to know these people better though. They are all really cool, down to earth kinda guys (and in Helene’s case girls). It is good to just meet people outside of Jackson. After that we headed out. That is where things took a turn for the worst.
Are you still out there? I know this is long, but it will all make sense soon. I figure too that if Dylan is reading this, he can at least hear my side of the story. But I also have come to the conclusion that since he ripped up my last letter, I doubt he is reading this.
Anyways, Dylan wanted to know how things went. It almost seemed like he was pushing me on to Even. Now, don’t get me wrong, that isn’t a bad thing, but coming from him, it just hurt. I was just sick of this whole thing. Having the person you love so much tell you that you should be interested in someone else is painful. I just wanted to cry, but I didn’t.
He is gonna get really pissed off that I am writing this hear, but oh well. I really worry about Dyaln. I don’t think that he always makes smart choices, and when he doesn’t no one is there to help him fix that. I just want to be there for him. To love him, to protect him, to be a stable force in his life. If I can’t have him, then someone else should help him. Help him figure out the difference between right and wrong. Dylan is a smart kid. He knows a lot about life, and how it operates. But sometimes I don’t think that he forecasts situations very well. If you read back in his lj a couple of months, he notes the time when we got in a fight over him pulling out money at his bank. I worried about him then, that is all that was wrong. I worried about how he was going to have enough money since he wasn’t working. I worried about how he was going to pay for things. That is mostly why I have supported him so much. I want him to simply save, to build for his future. A future that won’t necessarily involve me. I just wanted to protect him, but instead, he took the offensive. I was hurt, but I moved on.
Dylan, I don’t think that you are a little kid, I just want to protect you and be there for you, that’s all.
And then we arrived at Bell Square. Even first thing ask “What happened?” I think it was pretty clear, from the moment Helene and I detoured to talk and find her sushi to the moment Dylan switched seats with Even to simply avoid me. The night finally culminated in me talking with Helene and Even. Even and I talked though a lot of stuff, and in the end, I was satisfied and somewhat bitter. I couldn’t understand why Dylan wouldn’t let me into his life. Then Helene asked me why I still loved Dylan. I love his smile, his mannerisms, his humor, the ability he has to make me smile, laugh, and feel safe. I remembered the times when we just snuggled together. I felt so complete, safe, and happy. I just ended up cracking, tearing up, and crying on her shoulder. It hurt too much.
We ended up driving back together. Dylan didn’t understand why I needed space. I still don’t think he does. He wants me there (or did until last night) and I want to be there for him. To protect him, love him, and be a stable force in his life. He doesn’t want that though, and I need to accept that.
When I dropped him off, I got a look like none other. It was filled with hate, rage, and anger. I tried to grab him and mouth “I’m sorry… I’ll always love you,” but I only got to the first half. He was gone so fast.
So with 3 pages under my belt, I need to get to work. Call me though. I need to talk this out with someone. I need and unbiased opinion on what to do next. I don’t know how to handle this any longer. Sometimes, I wish that I could simply end the pain I am going through, but I have to stay strong. I have to. Damnit.