An Admission
Okay, so the stupid post earlier was actually part of distracting myself from something that at least my subconscious wasn't avoiding.
Some context:
SO! When I was a little kid, like primary school, not into double-digits yet, I was scared of big dogs. By 'big dogs', I mean anything the size of a Labrador and up. A friend of mine actually had a lab, and I wouldn't play in her backyard unless the dog was locked behind the gate. Then, one day, I had a dream where that same lab came right up to me and was a big help with... something. I don't know what exactly, but we were sharing a barricade on the grounds of my primary school.
Vivid dream.
Then, the next time I saw that dog (later that same day, in fact) I wasn't scared of it. I wasn't immediately comfortable with all large, friendly dogs, but I wasn't scared any more.
This morning, I had a dream where a guy I knew (and haven't seen for a long time, and actually, didn't look like he did the last time I saw him, but I knew it was him, like you always know that in dreams where you're semi-lucid) and I were getting married. No, not the wedding itself, but he proposed, I accepted, and we were doing some 'couple shopping'.
I seriously doubt that this was a prophetic dream. Very seriously.
HOWEVER!
Though I may or may not have admitted it, I have had something of a fear of commitment (traditionally and stereotypically a guy thing, but clearly not restricted to them). Without my conscious permission, my brain has been ticking over this dream all day, and I've realised... I'm not scared of that sort of commitment any more.
I'm not about to run off and ask the first guy I see if he's single and interested in dating, but I'm not scared of the idea of trusting my heart to someone else any more, and I'm not scared of the idea of someone else trusting me with theirs.
I'm not stuck on look-but-don't-touch any more, just enjoying the view and refusing to take the chance at joining in, being tactile only with people who I know wouldn't take it as anything more than a platonic gesture. Or at least, I'm not stuck there any more because of something in me. There remains the issue of finding someone to test this new lack-of-fear-of-intimacy with... and while I'm not scared any more, I'm also not in a hurry.
Just like with the large dog. I wasn't scared any more, but I was still cautious and a little nervous.
Some context:
SO! When I was a little kid, like primary school, not into double-digits yet, I was scared of big dogs. By 'big dogs', I mean anything the size of a Labrador and up. A friend of mine actually had a lab, and I wouldn't play in her backyard unless the dog was locked behind the gate. Then, one day, I had a dream where that same lab came right up to me and was a big help with... something. I don't know what exactly, but we were sharing a barricade on the grounds of my primary school.
Vivid dream.
Then, the next time I saw that dog (later that same day, in fact) I wasn't scared of it. I wasn't immediately comfortable with all large, friendly dogs, but I wasn't scared any more.
This morning, I had a dream where a guy I knew (and haven't seen for a long time, and actually, didn't look like he did the last time I saw him, but I knew it was him, like you always know that in dreams where you're semi-lucid) and I were getting married. No, not the wedding itself, but he proposed, I accepted, and we were doing some 'couple shopping'.
I seriously doubt that this was a prophetic dream. Very seriously.
HOWEVER!
Though I may or may not have admitted it, I have had something of a fear of commitment (traditionally and stereotypically a guy thing, but clearly not restricted to them). Without my conscious permission, my brain has been ticking over this dream all day, and I've realised... I'm not scared of that sort of commitment any more.
I'm not about to run off and ask the first guy I see if he's single and interested in dating, but I'm not scared of the idea of trusting my heart to someone else any more, and I'm not scared of the idea of someone else trusting me with theirs.
I'm not stuck on look-but-don't-touch any more, just enjoying the view and refusing to take the chance at joining in, being tactile only with people who I know wouldn't take it as anything more than a platonic gesture. Or at least, I'm not stuck there any more because of something in me. There remains the issue of finding someone to test this new lack-of-fear-of-intimacy with... and while I'm not scared any more, I'm also not in a hurry.
Just like with the large dog. I wasn't scared any more, but I was still cautious and a little nervous.